Advice columns

We're proud to provide sex and relationship advice from two of our favorite sex writers, Patrick Califia and Sasha.

Patrick Califia, family therapist, writer, sex radical, and all-round font of erotic wisdom, has agreed to be our oracle and answer questions submitted by you, the visitors to our web site.

If you've read his collected advice columns in The Advocate Adviser, or his trenchant personal/political essays in Public Sex, Sex Changes, or Speaking Sex to Power, you'll know that Patrick is well-informed about the vagaries of the human heart, the mysteries of the libido, and how to pursue your desires — whatever they may be — safely, responsibly, and passionately.

Sasha is a nationally syndicated sex columnist. Her column "Love Bites" has run in Canadian weeklies for over 14 years.

Sasha is also one of the pioneers of the neo-burlesque movement in Toronto, beginning in 1999 with the influential duo The Dangerettes. Her subsequent company The Scandelles, launched in 2001, is the only burlesque group in Canada to be given theatre-produced runs of shows, beginning in 2006 with the sold-out Under the Mink at Buddies in Bad Times.

Feel free to send either or both of them your questions or search the keywords for answers and information on hundreds of topics relating to sex, sexuality, and relationships.

Love Bites

13 October 2011

I hope you’ll be able to help me, even though I’m running out of hope. I am a 36-year-old straight man, mostly monogamous. About eight months ago I had a one-night stand with a 35-year-old woman. There was no complete sex, just some fingering, and she gave me oral sex.

I was absolutely okay until I saw I saw her again a month later to supposedly go all the way. It didn’t happen because when we were in the middle of foreplay and kissing, she told me she’d had herpes about 10 years ago. By the way, I’d previously asked her more than five times if she’d ever had an STI, and she always said no. I was shocked by the news.

She said the doctor at that time had given her the diagnosis after a visual exam and she’d never had a blood test or any other test. She’s not promiscuous and just a few months before our date she was tested for STIs (except HV2), and the results were negative. According to her, she seldom has any symptoms of the disease, just some sensitivity in the genital area.

The day after our second encounter I started having some tingling, itching and burning sensations in the genital area, but no visual symptoms. I went to the doctor three weeks later, and he told me I that I had nothing. He ordered some blood tests, which all came out negative.

I have seen other five doctors since, and they all tell me that I have nothing and that my symptoms are probably psychosomatic, caused by my fear of STIs. One said I could have some kind of a virus that can’t be detected through lab tests, and that mine’s not the only case he’s seen with these symptoms. Another told me maybe I should see a shrink.

I’ve been tested for HIV, hepatitis B and C, gonorrhea, chlamydia, syphilis, herpes 2 – for some of them up to three times – and all tests have come out negative. The doctors don’t see any fungi or allergic reactions.

I’m living a nightmare. My personal life has been seriously affected: I still have the same symptoms and I don’t feel like having sex because it also hurts. I’ve lost almost all hope of ever having a normal genital area again, i.e., without itching, burning and sensitivity. Can you please help me?

Burning Out Of Hope

» Sasha's reply

Love Taps

11 May 2012

I have not had sex for a couple of years. Recently I decided to become active again and put a personal ad up on a dating site. I met a hot guy and we got it on, but after we had sex, I had a pretty fair amount of vaginal bleeding. Not as much as a period, and by morning it had stopped. I thought maybe my girl was just out of practice but we had a date two weeks later, and the same thing happened again. Do I need to see a doctor? The only reason I can thing of is that he has a Prince Albert, but one of my long-term boyfriends had his cock pierced, and I never had a problem with it before

Freaked Out

» Patrick's reply