You seem like a fantastic guy, and this is without a doubt some very subjective logic, but I hate the idea that some glorious babe is denied the pleasure of your company because you are uncomfortable with your bod. If only all the psychotic, narcissistic, fibbing jerks roaming around unhindered by physical humility would grant us the same privilege! And if only we all stopped pandering to them.

Most women I know have faced and embraced greater impediments in boyfriends than man tits. I do often discourage plastic surgery, because I feel it nourishes increasingly manufactured insecurities, but if these insecurities are keeping a smart, funny guy like you from sharing yourself with some well-deserving females, enjoying the beach and becoming an exotic dancer, then by all means, get rid of them.

If you do elect to have surgery, call the Canadian Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery (CSAPS) at 1-800-263-4429. They have a database of surgeons who are recommended by geographic region only, but they may suggest someone who specializes in a particular procedure. It's up to you to narrow it down to a surgeon with whom you feel comfortable and — if money is an issue — whom you can afford. The CSAPS does not have the authority to take someone's licence away, and they also won't tell you if a doctor's involved in any lawsuits. If you want more information on a specific doctor, you have to get in touch with the College of Physicians and Surgeons in your province. They won't provide details; they will reveal only if a doctor's licence has been restricted.

Ah, the internet. Having such access to people's private lives indeed confirms that folks are turned on by just about anything. Have you visited the Inflatable Animal Fetish Page yet, where they dare ask the question "Do you enjoy blowing up inflatables? I mean, really enjoy blowing up inflatables?" Fascinating. (Note: This site is no longer active.)

I guess I'd have to conduct a "gallop" poll to see how many people like riding girls, but seriously, these kinds of stats are difficult to attain, if only because the preference is uncommon. I called the Patricia Marsh House of Domination and Fantasy and was told that "none of the ladies are strong enough," but you might try perusing the personals.

Some of the basic fears that pop up when you consider divulging a secret fantasy are loss, humiliation and anger. Where does this come from? What happened to you when you were little and you did something naughty and you were caught? You got punished, and it was scary. Of course, for some people, scary became yummy.

I want you to consider a few things. First: do you think that part of the pleasure you derive from fucking your own bum is the secret-ritual aspect of it? Is part of the fun actually rooting through your girlfriend's dildos while she's away (and, of course, you've been using condoms on them. I don't even need to mention that, do I?) and having a one-man gangbang? Is incorporating your girlfriend into this actually going to play out well for you?

After you've mulled these tidbits over, bear in mind some promising news: in my experience, someone who's willing (without provocation, it sounds like) to tickle your ass while she's giving you head is quite likely to be open to the idea of different types of anal play as well. It's not like you're working with one of those "don't go there" people. She's knocked on the door, why not invite her in? She may have had experience with a fellow who maintained the conviction that ass-play was a symptom of impending faggotry and wouldn't let her go beyond a stroke. Believe me, that kind of ludicrous spat will make you more cautious in future explorations.