As any reasonable person searching for a lust interest (straight or kinky) knows, at least some compromise is necessary to make a connection and I think Morpheous, a rope bondage expert, fetish photographer and all round gem of a guy in Toronto's BDSM community, hits it right on the head when he says, "It sounds like he has a bit of a shopping list for a partner, rather than being open to someone unique and special because of what they can share with him."

Keeping this in mind, Morpheous makes a few suggestions, such as initiating a vanilla girl who seems open to more deviant sexual exploration. "This will require honesty and good communication. I am assuming he can communicate effectively with the opposite sex? Otherwise this is for naught."

If you want to learn more about negotiating with a new partner when your interests don't correspond flawlessly, check out chapter four of Morpheous' book How to be Kinky. (This is an amazing little guide overall, by the way — truly helpful, funny, warm and optimistic.)

"How do you get what you need and how can you give someone what they desire? Negotiating can be a win-win situation," Morpheous says. "When you are asking someone what their interests are, or sharing your deepest-held desire with them, you need to extend the comfort of trust to that person.

He adds, "Lots of research shows that kinky fantasies and practice account for about 20 per cent of human interest. That means that almost one out of five people is kinky."

He also recommends going to what's known in the BDSM community as a munch - a more casual get-together where you'll find spanking is something you can actually bring up in regular conversation.

"My favourite in Toronto is the Black and Blue Munch held at the Shanghai Cowgirl," Morpheous says. "The next one is on June 12 at 8pm. You will find that people are there to be social and when you get to know more people and they get to know you and see that you are a well-balanced person with compassion, more opportunities will open up."

As for online resources, Morpheous suggests www.fetlife.com, which is a Canadian website he describes as the Facebook of kink. "Create a profile and look up 'Spanking Toronto' (http://fetlife.com/groups/2852) in the forum groups," he says. "There are about 50 people in this group alone and those are just the ones that post. The chance of finding someone through that is pretty high. Just drop the shopping list and be open to sharing yourself with someone rather than expecting them to meet all your desires."

The BDSM community attracts clever and complex people, so it pays to show yourself as a well-rounded guy, not just a set of well-rounded buttocks looking for a firm hand. "He can write a profile that is eloquent, charming and demonstrates that he understands that bedroom games are for playtime," says Morpheous. "He will find that the more he presents himself as compassionate and well-balanced, the better his chances are of finding someone who will take notice."

Did you see that dipstick Bristol Palin on the cover of the June 1 issue of People? Bristol, posing in her graduation cap and gown, holds baby Tripp like a prized accessory with this infuriating quote below her: "If girls realized the consequences of sex, nobody would be having sex," says Bristol. "Trust me. Nobody."

Bristol's contradictory moralizing doesn't stop there, though. She's on tour with her campaign for "abstinence first" (the American definition of "abstinence" being "unprotected sex," making her the perfect ambassador). Luckily, she's brought along a delegate whose expertise on the topic matches hers perfectly: Neil Cole from Candies shoes. (Yes, the very company that makes the hooker wedges favoured by Christian rock singers.)

In an interview on Good Morning America, here's what Cole said about the campaign: "We at Candies are known for selling high-heeled, one could say sexy shoes, and we saw this issue. We found out about eight years ago that almost one million teenagers were getting pregnant [annually] and we were astounded by the figures, so as a company we decided to give back and ... tell them just because you're wearing high-heeled sexy shoes that you obviously should not have a baby."

WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?

This is why I'm so glad that a group of young people organized by Planned Parenthood have put together the Toronto Teen Survey. While it does cover typical issues like STIs and pregnancy, it openly addresses the matter of pleasure, something that almost always gets overlooked when teens and sex are discussed. As the survey, conducted by the kids themselves, says, "There is a significant discrepancy between what youth are learning and what they want to know. Healthy Relationships, HIV/AIDS and Sexual Pleasure are the top three sexual health topics youth want to learn about." Wake up and smell the jizz, America! Teens don't want mixed messages and trashy pumps! They want clear information that respects their right to nourishing and safe sexual expression. Read the survey here: www.torontoteensurvey.ca.