I can totally get behind personalized interpretations of sexual identity but as much as I may feel like a man myself some days, wanting to swagger into a bathhouse to fuck some random ass, I will never, not with this cartoonishly female body anyway, be allowed in one. So let's ask my intern Dmitri Lovesit for some advice. He's worked (and worked in) bathhouses internationally—he knows the score.

"The bathhouse should be that swift kick in the balls that you need to turn the fantasy into reality," says Dmitri. "For your first time, I would recommend going in the early afternoon. Most bathhouses have daytime specials ('Nooners'). These tend to attract more discreet, professional men as opposed to the weekends, when you tend to see younger guys and partiers and more drug use.

"Don't go with the expectation that you will have sex; you may initially be quite content just watching porn or watching other guys do their thing. You will enter a little porch with a secondary door. There will be a glass screen near the door and an attendant behind the glass. You will have to pay for your room or locker and sign a receipt in advance of entry. You can use an alias and go for the room. A small portion will be returned when you leave. Tipping is sexy.

"Once you come inside, you will be given a towel and key. You shouldn't expect a guided tour, but you can ask for directions and about the layout. Condoms and fresh towels are provided and you should change into the towel. Basic amenities include a dry sauna, showers, a lounge with porn and some dark areas for cruising. Some saunas offer additional spa and sex facilities while some keep it basic. The majority of interaction is non-verbal. Expect that you may be groped at any given point. If you are not interested simply say "no thanks" or walk away—most guys get the hint. If your door is open, it is usually a sign that you are receptive to visitors. Keep your valuables locked inside your locker/room at all times. Explore. Wear flip-flops if you are squeamish. Get off, rinse, repeat if necessary."

Have fun, Straight! Let us know how it goes. And who knows, maybe next time we hear from you your handle will be Bi the Way.

There is no effortless way to expose what really boils down to a petty preference because, let's face it, the real concern is not how someone is going to feel about being told they have putrid breath or a grove of pubic hair you'd expect David Suzuki to come marching out of any minute, but how you're going to look for making an issue out of it. You must simply accept that this is your problem and frame it that way. You may find in disclosing your distaste that she's quite enamoured of her facial hair and that she has no plans to give up this valued attribute by going through a costly, painful and permanent procedure. Or you may find that she says, "Fine then, since you have a problem with it, you can pay for its removal, during which I will tie a rope around your scrotum like the Huichol Indians did to their husbands when they were giving birth and yank on it every time it hurts." Either way, out with it or on with it.

A porn star offering guidance about sex and relationships is a little like an actor who plays a doctor on television doling out medical advice. Being able to pretend you can do something skilfully doesn't automatically provide you with the ability to do it with genuine competence and passion. This is not to say that there aren't some excellent sex advice books penned by porn actors. Both Nina Hartley and Annie Sprinkle have contributed amazing work to the genre. Regardless, porn actors don't require more virtuous endeavours to validate their work. Providing a few moments of daily peace to a harried citizen has great value in and of itself.

Of all the things you (and your girlfriend) consume involving coerced or unhappy labour, porn should be the least of her concerns. The open acknowledgement of potential exploitation has created excellent internal support systems like Adult Industry Medical (www.aim-med.org) and dedicated, talented directors like Anna Span, Paul Thomas and Shine Louise Houston, giving the consumer some truly decent options. And if porn stars present an unrealistic image, well then, they're doing their job, because that is a keystone of fantasy. Like much work, porn acting is complex. There are good days, bad days and those in between. We accept this as a function of labour. Why should it be any different in this business?