You're not lame, you're not stupid and you're not a loser. You were simply unable to fit sex into your demanding social schedule throughout your teens and twenties, which, mercifully, also means you didn't have time to have drunk-ass unprotected sex, which further means that unlike the rest of us, you don't have herpes or HPV. And if you were actually as wasted as you claim, the sex you would have been having would have probably been more damaging to your reputation than your total exclusion. Not that everyone doesn't love hearing the stories about how I threw up tequila and orange juice all over my ex-boyfriend's dick or the myriad times I have passed out hammered underneath someone I really liked on a nerve-wracking first sex date but let's face it, these are not the anecdotes of a celebrated lover. They are amusingly wretched, to be sure, but part of my catalogue of surefire moves? Not so much.

Another good thing is that you are living in an era where positive and accurate sexual information is widely available. Arming yourself with reliable facts about the physiology/physical act will help you feel less vulnerable. Violet Blue's guides published by Cleis Press are amazingly clear and informative. Pick up the ones that appeal to you, along with The Guide to Getting It On! by Paul Joannides. Knowledge is power and though a theoretical knowledge of sexuality can only take you so far, it will provide some peace of mind once you are in the trenches.

Now for some news that may be less comforting to you: I'm going to guess that your situation has been widely discussed by your friends. When I was around your age there were a few men in my group with indeterminate virginity status and I can tell you they were a hot topic of conversation, as well as the object of many blundering set-ups. If the women around you haven't guessed by now that you are a virgin, they've at least chewed over the possibility and, more than likely, they've made attempts to get you laid. Please understand that this is a good thing. They know, they want to help you out, it's not a huge deal and you are not a social pariah. Having a good sense of humour about your virginity will be more attractive than positioning yourself as a freak, so once again, your mantra: I am not lame, stupid or a loser. I am simply one of those people for whom drugs and alcohol did not provide an obliging gateway for casual sexual encounters.

If you are doing outcalls, the time you spend waiting for them should be at your leisure in the location of your choice and sure enough, Sweetie, one of my ho colleagues confirms this: "The standard is a call 30 minutes prior to an appointment on the days you've agreed to work and then they send a driver to pick you up from wherever you are."

Free blow jobs are not de rigueur when you work for someone ("Would your boss have you perform oral on him in any other job?" Sweetie asks, outraged) and, generally speaking, a pimp or madam will take around a third of your income.If you're content with your current arrangement, fine, but you can also work without waiting around at a tedious location, complimentary and possibly health-compromising blow jobs and an excessive cut. Join the Toronto Escort Review Board (www.terb.ca) and look at the agencies that advertise there. Call them and ask about their business practices. Sweetie urges you to research independent work, too. "TERB has an excellent forum for Johns seeking independents as well as a method for independents to stay connected, share info and maintain similar pricing and services to keep the market good," she says. Ads on TERB or the Redzone (www.theredzone.com/toronto) are under $50 a month.