While safety is something you should definitely be prioritizing, you may want to tone down the murderous forecasting just a touch. I suspect that most men would rather not, after a night of no-strings sex, leave a hotel room with you in several garbage bags, so let's just begin by coaxing you back to reality.

I've never negotiated this type of threesome online myself, so I put an ad on craigslist asking people to share their F/M/M connections. Though people cruising in these social networks tend to communicate in terse, text-message-style responses (how they set up romantic trysts with that godawful grammar is beyond me), they offered some very sensible tips and stories. Just about everyone who responded said that meeting in advance is paramount and that meeting with one guy first, establishing a camaraderie, then bringing others into the fold is also a smart plan of action. Initially, "it doesn't have to involve sex," said one fellow, "but wait until you feel comfortable with him and feel that he would have your back were anything to go wrong during the encounter."

Going with your gut was also stressed by nearly everyone. A woman who responded had this to say: "Lots of chat first, feel out the nuts, set up rules. Go with your instincts—pretty much the same as every other sexual encounter. The idea that women are degraded in this is bull. I find they service me." Despite getting "the usual bullshit responses and young bucks who I have no time for," this woman has quite admirably cobbled together a small co-op of paramours for herself: "It is a hell of a turn-on and my group of play-friends are all gentlemen," she says.

To that, I would also suggest integrating yourself into real-life communities where group sex is customary. It's important to realize that many men interested in this arrangement are good-natured, respectful and completely happy letting you run the show. (And that way, when you do meet the assholes, they'll really stand out.)

Single women are very welcome at swing clubs and in Toronto, Wicked (www.wickedclub.com) would likely be the one most appealing to you. Goodhandy's (www.goodyhandys.com) may be a little, well, unprocessed for your current needs. I have met some lovely men there but I have also had some experiences that might alarm a tenderfoot (the pack of feral cab drivers clutching their folded trousers in one hand and their dicks in the other, for example) so I'd leave that till a later date.

I appreciate you wanting to keep your health in impeccable order. Many people in open sex communities uphold similar standards by following decent to rigorous safer sex practices or sleeping with a closed group. But in a way, you are barking up the wrong tree insisting on test results from strangers, as even the most up-to-the-minute papers are no substitute for safer sex.

HIV, for example, can take around three months to show up and let's face it, all the spotless records in the world aren't going to stop the raging mysophobe in you from getting online, finding terrifying statistics on even the lowest possible risks and subsequently irritating harried sexual health clinic doctors with your frantic concerns. So do yourself and everyone else a huge favour and have the safest sex possible. Oh, and fun. Try to have fun, too.

I received some great response over the recent column "Too drunk to fuck" (July 9) about a disheartened 28-year-old virgin looking for advice. "Gray," who is a member of an internet support group (www.incel.myonlineplace.org/forum) for involuntarily celibate people or "incels" writes: "There are more incels than anyone thinks out there, both virgins and non-virgins. There are virgins into their fifties, and plenty of virgins in their mid- to late thirties. Some folks have had sex before but haven't been able to organize it for many years. Depression and low self-esteem are prevalent with incels, and, unfortunately, resentment and pent-up anger is too common." "A common theory is that many incels missed developmental stages when people learn about finding and getting a partner," says Gray. "The process isn't instinctive for many people." A scholarly paper on the topic can be found at www.tinyurl.com/incel and www.involuntarycelibacy.com offers an ongoing video project.