Love Bites

The Nature of Young Things

23 July 2010

I am a middle-aged, divorced environment writer with an affectionate eye on a much younger woman. My friends consider me polite, outspokenly critical and a fit, reasonably good-looking man. My potential love interest, who is unattached, appreciates and even sought my mature attention to her singular life and talents as yoga teacher and videographer. We met in a coffee shop and superficially we have much in common. Acting instinctively, I crave caring and sharing and even intimacy were her mood ever to become affirmative. I cannot yet intuit whether or not to pursue closeness with this tantalizing creature across a complex Age Gap. Describing such intricacies Alex Comfort once claimed in The Joy of Sex: A Gourmet Guide to Love Making, 1972: "Neither men nor women lose either sexual needs or sexual function with age ... in men ejaculation takes longer to happen, which is an advantage ... but given an attractive and receptive partner [and] decent general health... active sex lasts as long as life."

Sasha to your knowledge how do alert, passionate women feel today about all of the slants above on Age Gap?

Accomplished, Toronto

Basically what you're asking is would it be inappropriate and thereby humiliating to hit on this hot young thing. My feeling is that youth—within the bounds of consent of course—should not be wasted on the young and wisdom should not be wasted on the wise but let me offer a couple of tips before you get started:

1. No quoting from The Joy of Sex. It's revolting. You should only ever do this to amuse your friends at parties and preferably wearing an empty beer case on your head. Don't remind your date that you learned your lovemaking skills from the same lovemaking manual her parents or even her grandparents used. I will compound this warning by reminding you that the edition from which you cite also includes such baffling gems as "The mound of the big toe applied to the clitoris or the vulva generally is a magnificent erotic instrument" and "Being actively bisexual makes problems in our society, not least with the other-sex partner on whom, obviously, most of most peoples' most worthwhile sex life depends."

While The Joy of Sex is certainly inspiration for the current sex positive climate, it's no surprise that the voluble, overblown text was written in just two weeks. It's also a well-documented fact that its author, Alex Comfort, spent his life miffed that the book surpassed in popularity his writings as a poet, pacifist and anarchist. Best to purchase yourself the Good Vibrations Guide to Sex and make a fresh start.

2. For fuck's sake (and I do mean for fuck's sake) don't use the word lovemaking. Again, intergenerational sex requires attention to the distinct possibility for filial creepiness and those who had parents that tried to teach them about the birds and the bees respectfully used this term, forever branding the image of them doing it upon the brain.

3. Although you may not feel "older", you are and comments like "an affectionate eye" and "mature attention" imply a kindly, avuncular yearning, not an experienced go-getter who's set to pound a young lass into next week. Don't even get me started on the line that begins with "Acting instinctively, I crave caring and sharing..." that you obviously wrote when your ponytail was too tight. You describe yourself as outspoken. Work it, brother.

4. Be gracious if things don't get romantic. If there's one thing that's bound to make a girl shudder with disgust for all of eternity it's the sight of an older dude sulking because she didn't make love to him. Keep Catherine Deneuve in mind: cool, self-possessed, the very embodiment of seasoned sexuality. And a last caution: sometimes those elder babe chasers are freaky little fuckers. They like the idea of being with an experienced partner because it validates their maturity and intelligence but despite the well-thumbed thesaurus that always seems to be on hand during email and text exchanges there's always time for a tantrum. Unbutton with care.