Also in Mourning

Grieving for the death of a loved one puts a person in an altered state. It is important to give yourself enough time to recover from such a shattering experience. Everyone is different, but in working with therapy clients, I have seen people take at least six months and maybe even a year to feel grounded once more. Of course, life can never be exactly the same after such a loss. It is a matter of allowing time to blunt the edge of your grief enough that there is room in your life for joy as well as sorrow.

During a period of mourning, people may react to the closeness of death by running toward anything that makes them feel more alive. This may mean getting intoxicated, beginning a love affair, having a child, quitting a job you hate so you can pursue another dream, etc. Sometimes these drastic decisions turn out to be good ones, and sometimes they are a disaster.

I believe you could legally marry your brother's widow. My understanding is that such marriages were only illegal in England prior to 1835, because of canon (church) law that had to be repealed. However, I'm not an attorney. Laws about marriage vary greatly from one country to another, and also vary within states or provinces. The best thing you could do is contact a family attorney in your area and make an appointment to discuss the matter with him or her.

The support you've given your brother's family may look quite different if you tell your relatives that you are in love with his wife. Until now, you have gotten some rewards in the form of approval. You are seen as being an exceptionally good brother who is going the extra mile for a family member. That could very well change into an image of you as a sexual predator who only helped her because of your disloyal erotic desire. Instead of being seen as the martyred widow of a man who gave his life for his country, she could be seen as a woman with loose morals who could not wait to betray her absent or dead husband. Plenty of people will not believe that the two of you abstained from having a sexual affair while your brother was alive. I'm sorry to put this so crudely, but you know how ugly people can be. Someone who is dealing with loss can lash out with even greater anger because the anger serves as a distraction from their sorrow and pain.

But it's also possible that people would look at this as a love story with a tragic beginning. Family members could be relieved that your brother's children won't be neglected. Knowing that his wife would still be close (rather than marrying a stranger), so the grandparents will always have access to their grandchildren, could be a real blessing. I think it's important to be prepared for some deep discussions. At least you can reassure anyone who asks that there was no cheating to tarnish your brother's memory or the new marriage. Even if the worst possible thing happens, and everybody tells you this is a terrible idea, they don't necessarily know what they are talking about. Don't let anybody else take this decision away from the two of you. If you both feel that you would be happy together, that outweighs anybody else's opinion.

I actually think this was almost inevitable and rather sweet. A healthy young man who spends a lot of time around a vulnerable woman his own age is bound to feel some attraction toward her. But I do have some questions about your role in your family as a younger brother. Were you in your brother's shadow? How did people in your family feel when you did not pursue a military career? Why did you so easily fall into the role of supporting your brother's family rather than striking out on your own to find a woman who wanted you? If you are the family caretaker, or if you were always expected to facilitate your brother's success, there is a chance that falling in love with his wife is not necessarily a healthy choice for you. If you take a look at some of these questions during therapy, you will be able to face anybody else's questions with a clear head and a strong sense of your own values and decisions.

I know that love feels inevitable. Very few people feel they have any control over when or who they love. But each of us carry a history of psychological strengths and weaknesses that predispose us to seek out certain types of relationships. I think that you could benefit from consulting with an expert in addition to an attorney. Could you consider seeing a counselor, if only for a few months? It could be a big help to have someone to talk to who is outside of the family dynamics. An objective person could help you to evaluate the history of your relationships and figure out what is best for you. He or he could also help you to cope with the stress of whatever decision you make. Be very sure that you are not seeking out a controversial marriage so you can hide from the tragic fact that a brother who played a huge role in your life is suddenly gone. Not only that, he chose a career in which his life would be at risk.

I think his wife could also benefit from grief counseling, at the very least.

If the two of you do decide that you want to be together, I urge you to wait at least a few months before making a public announcement about getting engaged. Tell the people who are closest to you first, to let them air their reactions privately. The longer you can wait to make such an announcement, the better chance you will have of people being able to hear you without making a negative judgment. Deep and genuine love will not disappear.