On the Brink

Couples often run into trouble when they make agreements that take several years to fulfill. People grow and change over time, so it's almost inevitable that the two people who made the original contract will develop different priorities (and even identities, like that of being a sex worker). The experiences your wife has had putting you through school have shaped her view of herself and the world every bit as much as your years in law school have probably altered you.

I understand your fear of scandal. But if she has avoided being dragged into the limelight, it's unlikely there will be any now. Of course, there's no guarantee that this is true. During election years or moral panics, law enforcement can go crazy and even discreet dungeons that have operated for years may be closed down. It's also true that you can't do sex work forever. In fact, I encourage clients who are in one branch or another of that venerable industry to consider their plans for retirement as soon as possible. The crazy money that you can sometimes make won't exist in your forties and fifties. It makes sense to save that money to fund an education or a business that's more mainstream.

Do you share in any sexual interests that she expressed by working, first as a stripper and then as a dominatrix? I ask this because very few dominatrixes are good enough to make money at that game unless they have a personal understanding of power-exchange sex. If you have a penchant for exhibitionism or sadomasochism, you may be as vulnerable as she is to being publicly humiliated by unwanted exposure. A less judgmental tone would be helpful and appropriate.

Sex workers are frequently accused of cheating on their partners, especially if they get any pleasure out of their jobs. This is unfair if a couple has agreed that one of them will get a job providing adult entertainment. You can't do that while maintaining conventional monogamy. Do you plan to take a job that you will hate every second of the day? I hope not. Shouldn't you be glad that she is able to muster some enthusiasm for her vocation? It's demanding work, and no one should have to put in long hours at something that disgusts or upsets them,  no matter how big the paycheck might be. Whatever shiver of arousal she might experience now and then is nothing compared to the complete relationship she has with you. By providing acceptance and a loving home, you could create a sanctuary that will make her love you a great deal. Don't you think it's a little odd to blow so hot and cold, just because you have met your career goals? 

One of the things the two of you did not discuss was how to deal with her transition from sex work to another career. Can you understand that even if she wants to give up her current employment, there was bound to be a “gray area” during which she arranged her retirement? What exactly did she want to do with her time before you went to law school? Can any of her hopes or dreams be revived? 

One thing that was missing from your letter was a statement about how you feel about your wife. There's a lot of concern for the content of your agreement, but I don't get a sense of whether you are still in love with her. If you are both still in love, I believe you can eventually come to understand each other's point of view, and eventually figure out a solution that makes both of you happy. 

Has something else happened, other than your getting licensed, that makes you feel panic about the relationship? For some reason, she no longer trusts you to provide for her needs. She wants to take care of herself. Is that just because of the uncertain economy? This bitter argument about her job seems like a coverup for uncertainty about whether you care for each other the same way that you did when you got married. Couples counseling might be helpful, if you can find a relationship therapist who won't judge her for being a dominatrix. It often takes a mediator to de-escalate a conflict and create a workable compromise.