Love Taps

Traumatized

9 December 2011

My ex was abusive. I am seeing a therapist to help sort through what happened, but I don't feel comfortable talking to her about sex. I am pretty sex positive, and I bought myself a vibrator a few years before I met my now ex. I told her about the vibrator (when we had been dating for awhile, but before things got really bad) and she didn't take it well. She called me a sex addict. She said I was disgusting, the most disgusting thing she'd ever seen. She said that because I had a vibrator I was selfish and didn't care about her. She grilled me every day about whether I had used it or not (I hadn't, though I guess really this is neither hear nor there). She said she couldn't believe me when I said I hadn't used it, because I guess people who have vibrators are just inherently liars, or something.

She told me I wasn't allowed to use it, even when we were in a long distance relationship for a semester. She however, was allowed to masturbate. She would ask me whether or not I was going to use it when I was on my next degree, and at a different school than her. I said I didn't know. She said I was a horrible disgusting selfish person, and that by using my vibrator, I would be cheating. I said that was ridiculous, and she go even angrier.

In the end, I threw it out, because I couldn't stand the constant accusations, name calling, and guilt. Even after I'd thrown it out, she grilled me all the time, saying she knew a disgusting sex addict like me had probably lied and hidden it and how I was so cruel to her because she couldn't even feel safe in her (our) own bedroom because she was afraid to find the vibrator some day.

I am researching vibrators again, and planning to buy myself a nice new one, but every time I think about maybe being in a relationship again, in the relatively distant future, and bringing up my vibrator, I feel sick to my stomach and miserable. How can I tell whether or not somebody is sex-positive? I feel like no one can be trusted with such personal information. I don't feel comfortable talking about this in person with anybody

Traumatized

Abusive people want control, but it doesn't stop with just being able to control your actions. They want to control your emotions and thoughts. You have gotten a very intense barrage of negative messages about a harmless form of adult recreation. Masturbation is a normal part of human sexuality, whether you have a partner or not. It isn't cheating. Nor is it “addicting.” Human beings have made tools and devices to enhance all of their activities. Once electricity was domesticated, vibrators were some of the first appliances to be produced.

If your therapy is effective, you will be able to rebuild the self-esteem that this evil person tried to shatter. You will feel less guilty and stronger as time goes on, and be able to see how ridiculous she was. Your description of her comments make her sound like a hysterical fool. Unfortunately, because you loved her, you allowed her access to your life, and she got to throw these tantrums to hurt you.

I wish I could tell you that this woman is the only nutter out there. Alas, it is not so. You already know what a sex-negative culture we live in. You may very well encounter people who are cute, smart, and bat shit about masturbation and sex toys. As unpleasant as it is to hear these benighted utterances, a person has to know where the other person stands before assuming horizontal positions upon the davenport. I suggest testing potential lovers with comments about a fictional friend or questions about something you supposedly have read. Bring up topics without saying “this is me and I do this.” If they flip out, well, you've got your answer.

I can also, fortunately, reassure you that there are women who would think it was just sexy as hell that you had a vibrator. They wouldn't be threatened by it. But they might want to borrow it—or get one of their own. There really is life after emotional battery. I send you a blessing of selective eradication of the past.