Latest Blogs + Advice

Guilty

mitch — Fri, 17 May 2013 04:00:00 +0000

17 May 2013

Dear Patrick: I am a queer, sex-positive, feminist, cis-gendered-female social worker who has done a lot of work unpacking and working through my "stuff" around sex, gender, and power. I'm also kinky. However, it's been years since I've been in a relationship that had space for exploring and engaging with my kinks . . . my pervy proclivities have been on the back burner for a long time. And now, suddenly, there's an opportunity to have a sexy Daddy/little girl relationship with a new playmate (a cis-gendered man), which makes my bits all wet and tingly whenever I think about it. But there's also a fairly loud voice in my head asking how I can embrace this kind of relationship as a feminist and as someone who works with abuse and incest survivors, even in play? I'm having a hard time justifying this to myself, but goddamn, it turns me on! Any advice? I think it would be helpful to hear or read about other women committed to anti-oppression in "real life" who are also turned on by submitting to a Daddy figure. Could you point me in the right direction?

Dear Guilty

I am often amazed by the numbers of hot bottoms who have turned off their sexuality so they can serve the greater good. The soft-core case literature of conventional psychiatry and the rhetoric of anti-porn feminists would have us believe that masochists are in danger of being battered or exploited by abusive and powerful men. But the truth is that they are much more likely to be fodder for non-profits serving marginalized populations. When Freud identified sublimation as a defense mechanism, he was on to something. I simply disagree with his conclusion that society benefits so much from the redirection of libidinal energy that we ought to encourage more of the same.

Shame about one's sexuality is never a good thing. When we feel that our fantasies have put us on shaky moral ground, we tend to avoid them. But I fail to see how role-playing a fantasy with another consenting adult makes your clients' lives any worse. If anything, you would come back to work with renewed energy, feeling happy and more relaxed. Good sex is a wonderful way to release tension and stress. It eases depression, reduces chronic pain, and speeds digestion.

One of the core demands of Second Wave feminism was to win the right for women to control their own bodies. Fifty years later, this sounds like common sense. But the original demand for sexual autonomy got dumbed down to a single-issue battle over reproductive freedom. This struggle is far from over, and I would be the last person to downplay how important it is for women to have access to affordable birth control and abortion. But I do think that sexuality has many other components. We seem most comfortable, as a society, in discussing the clinical or medical issues. But pleasure makes us squeamish—perhaps because conservative religious values still dominate much of the political discourse in the West.

Our attempts to understand sexuality have often fallen short, perhaps because the libido often defies logic and reason. It is almost impossible to understand human desire without making space for its creative, spiritual, non-rational qualities. Paradox seems to be a built-in feature of eroticism. How else do we get a species who pursues, with great dedication, those sexual things that are most forbidden? No matter how great the penalties are for experiencing some forms of gratification, people continue to want these experiences, even if they have to pay a very high price for that knowledge. A simplistic analysis of a sexual situation is almost never correct. If two people are pretending that one of them has a great deal of power and is controlling and using the other person for their selfish pleasure, that is almost never the whole story. Unless genuine violence is taking place, the submissive partner has to agree to be present. And nobody agrees to be “used” or ordered about, bound or physically “punished,” unless that is exactly what he or she needs and wants. Kinky people often lovingly joke about the open secret that bottoms are the ones who control the scene. Tops who want second dates are quite aware of this, and go out of their way to make sure that the bottom has a good time. In fact, the essence of top sexuality has very little in common with the interior landscape of the batterer and rapist. Kinky sexual tops tend to be caregivers who may even have trouble being assertive enough about their own needs and wishes.

Of course, there are people who will tell you that the fact that some people consent to power exchanges or other kinky sex doesn't make it okay. Instead, according to these killjoys, that merely proves they are sick, sick, sick. But this is a circular argument. How do you know this sexuality is not okay? Because people shouldn't do it, if people think they agree to it, they are deluded and self-destructive. But how do you know this? Because it's sick! Only sick people would do such a sick thing!

In order for judgments like this to have some validity, there has to be a more objective way to assess the relative merits of various sexual styles. So far, no one has been able to find consistent signs of mental illness among kinky people. We are neither more disturbed, traumatized, self-destructive, or violent than the general population. Our political convictions vary from the most conservative to the exceedingly liberal. Many of us are feminists or involved in progressive activism. We come from every class background, race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, and gender identity. While some clinicians continue to insist that an interest in “sadomasochism” is evidence of dysfunction, no research exists that demonstrates that our lives exhibit any impairment in functioning. Being kinky does not keep you from meeting your goals in terms of education or career, nor does it interfere with having a rewarding relationship.

The bogus connection that supposedly exists between racism or misogyny and kinky sexual styles is one of my pet peeves. This invalidates the work that many sexually diverse people have done to improve the world that we live in. Kinky people exist in every single movement for positive social change. We are environmental activists, we combat racism, we advocate for gun control, we teach self-defense classes to children and women, we counsel the victims of violence, etc., etc., etc. I would like to think that I have been one of those people. I have sacrificed a great deal of my personal comfort and safety to be outspoken about the many changes that need to be made. Getting rid of people like me will not make the world a better place. Our society suffers from genuine ills in so many areas. But does anybody seriously think that we can eliminate violence against women or the hatred of ethnic and racial minorities by suppressing the use of riding crops or handcuffs in the bedroom? I think this is actually incredibly condescending toward the victims of inequality. There is no simple answer to what causes people to treat one another badly. These are intractable problems that need to be addressed on multiple levels. Better economic opportunity, accessible education, support for at-risk families, social services including medical care—all of these would help. I believe that the impulse to please a sexual partner by giving him or her exactly what they want comes from the same place as an impulse to feed the hungry or work for prisoners' rights. Both stem from a generous heart and the ability to empathize with another sentient being.

I for one am thrilled to hear that you have an opportunity to change a pattern of self-denial. Why should you wait? How does that benefit the folks you are trying to help? If anybody deserves some personal time and mind-numbing orgasms, it's you. If being kinky is a feminist sin (which I've never believed, but let's just hypothesize), you have atoned by the bucketful. Call this man up and set a date!

There is such an extensive literature of progressive women defending their right to dominant/submissive role-playing that I am spoiled for choice. I'm not sure which writers you will enjoy the most or identify with most easily. See if you can get what you want from work by Carol Queen, Tristan Taormino, Suzy Bright, Dossie Easton, Kate Bornstein, or the writers who appear in books they've edited. I've written a bit about these issues myself, though I don't know if it's okay to use this column to publicize my own work. But you did ask.

Stuck

mitch — Fri, 10 May 2013 17:24:24 +0000

10 May 2013

Dear Patrick: I have a kind of complicated question about loving someone with a fetish. My partner of three years who I live with and completely adore has a fetish for BBW and SSBBW. She shared this with me at the beginning of our relationship—that she likes to look at BBW online and watches eating/feeding and burping porn. This wasn't something I was super familiar with, but I don't have any

issue with it. Actually I think it's pretty rad. She gets intensely turned on by women who eat shamelessly and love their big bodies. That's awesome. I actually really enjoy role playing this with her, even though it's not a fetish for me. I'm an average-sized woman, but I'm happy to talk dirty to her

about my fat, have her worship my belly, and to eat and burp for her. In a lot of ways, sharing her fetish is really positive, and I'm completely honored that she let me in on something that she feels quite a bit of shame about and hasn't shared with past partners. In some ways, it's made me feel better about my belly, which I've been insecure about for most of my life.

In other ways though, it doesn't always feel great. I have a history of eating disorders, which I've had under control for almost ten years. All of my sisters have disordered eating. They and my mother are all very thin. I'm not as thin as they are, and not as thin as I used to be, but when I met my partner three years ago, I had been at a weight for several years that was pretty effortless to maintain. I could eat an amount of food that felt good, I wasn't hungry or restricting myself, I wasn't super thin, and I liked my body. When we first started eating meals together, she would make me (and herself) much larger portions than I was used to, and I often felt uncomfortably stuffed. She's a bit heavier than me, but still average, I would say. Eating her meals made me gain about 30 pounds fairly quickly. I didn't feel at home in my body. It triggered my old desires to restrict food and lie about what I was eating so I could avoid gaining more weight. When I would tell her I didn't want such large portions or when I wouldn't finish my plate, she would get upset.

This is complicated for a few reasons. She was fat as a teenager, which she was shamed for by her mom, peers and doctors. She isn't as heavy now, but she is larger than me and is very insecure about this. Though she is incredibly attracted to people of size, she does not want to be one. She says it's because her body doesn't carry weight like the women she looks at online and is attracted to in real life. She has broad shoulders, a small bum and narrow hips, and gains weight mostly around her middle. She's very sexy. I love her body just as it is (and would love it bigger or smaller), but she can't hear this. She hates her body and gets deeply depressed about her weight. She gets upset that I am smaller than her, and has said that she's jealous of my body. This is really hard. To know that she's jealous of me being smaller than her, and that she's attracted to women much bigger than me. I lost some of the weight I gained at the beginning of our relationship, and sometimes she comments on me being thinner and has accused me of hating fat and not being attracted to fat people. But I love the fat on her body, and my previous long-term partner identified as fat in a positive way. Sometimes I feel like she would like my body more and our relationship would be better if I were bigger. But I know that this wouldn't make me happy, and she assures me that she wouldn't love me more or be more attracted to me. I've asked her if she would be happier dating a woman of size. She's slept with women of size before and says the sex we have is better, and that sex with people of size isn't remarkably better than sex she's had with smaller people.

I'm not trying to make her sound like a bad or controlling person, because she's not. I think it's pretty common for two women in a relationship, both with a history of body image issues and eating disorders, to have a hard time emotionally. It's difficult when you're trained by society to compare and

rank your body next to those of other women. It's easy to feel insecure, and I can imagine I would feel more insecure about my body if I were sleeping with someone much thinner than me. I know I feel more insecure when I'm around my family, comparing my body to those of my sisters and mom.

So that's some background to my issue. Generally things are wonderful in our relationship, and we're both very committed to each other. Here's the rest of my question. We're somewhat open and are working on feeling more comfortable opening our relationship in different ways. Right now we're open to making out with other people, but so far only I've done this. My partner says she doesn't really feel a desire to make out with other people, and doesn't see a lot of people she's attracted to. But the other night she mentioned she might like to meet up with a BBW/SSBBW, for sex or just to watch her eat and touch her body. She says she would only want to do this with a woman who identified as a BBW and liked being objectified and worshiped as such. I've mostly worked through feeling insecure about her watching BBW porn. I usually feel secure in the idea that she truly does love my body the way it is and that she wouldn't be more attracted to me if I were larger. But the thought of her actually being with her ultimate fantasy, a fetish that plays a huge role in her sexuality and our sex life, something I mimic and pretend to be to turn her on and something she has masturbated to since she was a young child really threw me. She doesn't want to hurt me and says she doesn't need to actually do this if it will cause me to feel so bad, but I want her to be able to. I want to feel okay. I just don't know how to think about it or where to look for resources and support.

Dear Stuck

For readers who are too lazy to Google some of the terms you used, I want to explain that BBW is Big, Beautiful Women and SSBBW is Super-Sized, Big, Beautiful Women.

I agree with many of your comments about our culture's insanity around women's bodies, weight, and food. Women are indeed trained to compare themselves to one another and compete to be the most conventionally attractive person in the room. Ironically, the fatter real people become, the thinner our ideals have grown. Actresses, musicians and singers, models, and other female media personalities are so thin at this point that I can only imagine they are living on air. How do they manage to walk down the runway on those broomstick legs or pick up a sheet of paper and read the news with their matchstick arms? This makes it very difficult for people who are not celebrities to figure out what their standards should be. For most of human history, maintaining a healthy weight was not a problem. People ate as much as they could whenever there was a chance to feast because food was always scarce. We never had the huge surplus of food that currently exists for a certain percentage of people in privileged Western nations. Prior to the 19th century, very few of us were able to make a living without expending high quantities of energy, which burned up the handful of calories we managed to grow, harvest, hunt, or raise and slaughter. There also was not a widespread access to manufactured food that contained artificial ingredients (including excessive salt and refined sugar) that skews the amount of calories in each mouthful.

Part of the friction between you and your partner does indeed sound normal for two women who are living together, sharing food, and creating a sex life which hopefully meets both of their needs. Every couple, no matter the gender configuration, have issues around eating, attractiveness, and what constitutes a healthy way of life. But your individual situation is indeed complicated by your partner's fetish and personal history as well as your own. So let me try to reply to your concerns issue by issue below.

Given your history of controlling your food intake in a secretive and self-destructive way, tending toward anorexia or bulimia, I think it is amazing that you are able to tolerate having a partner whose sexual fetish swings in the other direction. You don't indicate in your letter whether your partner understands your struggle to allow yourself to eat a reasonable amount, be truthful about what you are consuming, and allow yourself to have some attractive curves and a menstrual cycle. So the first thing that needs to happen, in my opinion, is a reversal of the flow of empathy. Instead of you spending so much time explaining, rationalizing, and accepting her sexuality and emotional wounds, she needs to devote a hefty chunk of time to listening to your story and really “getting” what happens when you have more food on your plate than you can comfortably ingest. It is not good for ANYONE to feel that their partner has an emotional investment in what they are eating or their exact weight and shape. Even if somebody weighs 400 pounds (or 85), they are never going to be able to eat in a healthy way unless they are making their own decisions about what works for them and how they want to look. Sometimes treatment of an eating disorder requires that a person temporarily surrender control over their food to a trusted professional who genuinely has their welfare at heart, but the long-term goal is always to transfer control over the food to the person who has to eat it, digest it, and wear it.

It sounds to me as if you have been functioning on an empathy deficit for quite a while. Because you are a kind and caring person, you have devoted a great deal of effort to hearing your partner's perspective. You have quite lovingly attended to her needs. You have actually gone a lot further toward fulfilling her fantasies than most people would have the patience or inspiration to create for a loved one. But as I read your letter, I wondered what your fetish was. What is it that really gets your wheels spinning? What does your ideal partner look like? What do they say or do to you? What happens in your fantasies of the ultimate encounter? And is your partner interested in this—beyond a casual agreement to make herself look and feel like a good person? Because talk is cheap! Does she actively pursue and enact the images that are your erotic ideals or obsessions?

Many people—not just fetishists—have trouble doing this. Far too many of us walk around assuming that if we are getting turned on and having a fun time in bed, the same thing is true for our partner. But even the biggest bottom has to switch on occasion. Very few relationships can flourish if people don't take turns running the fuck. This is the chief difference between being a great lover versus sexual mediocrity. People who are ashamed of their sexual interests are often afraid that they will never get those needs met. They can develop an acute sense of being sexually short-changed that never goes away because they do not appreciate the gratification that does come their way. If you are living in a state of scarcity, it can be very hard to take responsibility for discovering a partner's needs and making sure that their key turn-ons are gratified. But once you find the strength to do so, your whole world changes. Sex becomes an arena of nearly infinite possibility instead of one sad, predictable story featuring guess who as a martyr and victim.

A certain amount of compromise is necessary in every couple's sex life. But “doing for” somebody else can't be maintained unless they vigorously and effectively “do back.” This is so important because it sends a message that your love and care is genuine. You don't just want a partner because they provide you with pleasure; you are able to look outside of yourself and make sure they are cared for as well. Sadly, you can't make her self-hatred go away no matter how well or how often you mimic a BBW. She probably needs to do more about this, in a more direct fashion. Catering to her fetish will not make her love her own body. Nor would eating more food than you want. Instead of dealing with her self-hatred indirectly, she could explore therapy or a free, 12-step program like Overeaters Anonymous. She needs some kind of intervention or outside help to feel less anger, blame, and shame. Growing up fat and being treated as a second-class person or a failure just because of your physical size is extremely damaging. I hope the fact that she has a loving partner now will create enough of a safety zone for your lover to realize that life doesn't have to be so hard. There are caring professionals and peers who can listen to these stories of loss and humiliation, and offer some comfort.

Both of you sound fairly insecure to me. I am wondering if this relationship is stable enough to tolerate the stress of non-monogamy. But I also wonder if it can be sustained without the presence of outside partners. Either path has its own difficulties and limitations and dangers. If both of you value the ideal of non-monogamy, why not see what can be learned from experimenting with it? If for any reason it turns out to be too difficult, it's okay to take a break from sex with other partners until you recover or feel motivated to try again, after having adjusted your process.

The fact that she wants to experience a sensual encounter with a real SSBBW makes perfect sense to me. If her core fantasy is a super-sized woman who consumes mass quantities without shame, someone she can adore and worship and burp, well, of course at some point she is going to want to see if actually doing that is as much fun as it is to think about. Right now, you don't know if her experience with a woman like that will be fantastic or a yawn. Finding a large woman who will get excited doing the things that your lover likes to think about may not be that easy. Not every beauty of size wants other people to hover nearby, voyeurizing while she eats. So let your lover pursue these fantasies—but only if you are also able to look for your own erotic siren.

Most couples in open relationships have some rules about it. These rules vary a great deal, and can change over the life span of the relationship. It may be too early for you and your lover to set reasonable boundaries around this activity. Do your best to approximate the conditions that give you both maximum opportunity to enhance your primary relationship, but understand that it's a work in progress. You don't really know what you can endure or what you need until you have wider experience to guide you. Experimentation should be done with the understanding that both of you need to talk things over after each date and assess how well your boundaries worked. As long as both of you are being honest, sticking with your agreements, and not trying to be mean to each other, nobody should be treated like a villain. Mistakes are learning opportunities.

Let me give you some more specific examples. Some non-monogamous people need to hear every detail of a partner's encounters so they feel that no secrets are being kept. The erotic narrative of an adventure with somebody else can become a sort of porn that is exciting to share vicariously. For other people, the less said, the better. They prefer not to know details because this is too painful or challenging. For some people, their comfort relies on an emotional limit. They might say, “Do whatever you like with another person's body, but don't fall in love.” Other rules might be: You can only date people I don't know. No overnight stays; that's too much like a real relationship. For others, there is more safety in knowing their partner is with a trusted friend or someone who cares deeply for them. Making sure both partners are as safe as possible (which also means taking precautions to protect their health) is a well-nigh universal expectation.

Dossie Easton's book The Ethical Slut remains a classic in the world of open relationships. She does an especially good job of talking about how to do self-care when jealousy or insecurity arises. It takes a stout-hearted soul to continue to love the partner who wanders off with somebody else, even if you know he or she will be back soon. Few of us have enough self-esteem to keep faith with the truth that we are irreplaceable. Even if your partner has a dozen huge orgasms with somebody else, you can't be duplicated. Your gentleness, beauty, kindness, acceptance, and warmth are writ large across her heart. No one else will ever be you. Also remember that monogamous couples break up all the time, without any nookie on the side. You can't keep your partner by forbidding sex with other people. The relationship succeeds or fails on its own merits.

I would be concerned, however, if the drama of negotiating an open relationship swept aside your valid concerns about your own needs. It is not okay, for example, for your partner to tell you that she is jealous of your relatively thin body or accuse you of hating fat people because you have resisted her efforts to inflate you. It's not okay for her to get pouty when you don't eat as much as she wants you to eat. If she doesn't learn to respect your reasonable boundaries, you will come to resent her. I understand that you don't want me to think she is a terrible person, and I don't. But she has done some things that have hurt your feelings and made you wary. If she wants to keep you, she needs to understand what went wrong and make some amends. The relationship you have described to me is lopsided. Your pain and your need for transcendence are just as important as your lover's, so I hope the balance of power can be reset.

BRB.

Kaleigh Trace — Wed, 24 Apr 2013 15:54:52 +0000

Stunned

mitch — Fri, 19 Apr 2013 04:00:00 +0000

19 April 2013

Dear Patrick: I am the mother of a transsexual child. (He is in his late twenties, but it's hard to think of him as anything but one of my children.) He recently informed me that he needs to change his sex. When I asked what the time table was for this major life-changing event, I was told “right now”! Don't you think there should be a longer period of time for reflection? Shouldn't he be consulting someone to see if there are any other treatments that might help him to feel better? I feel as if I am losing my only son, and yet I am not allowed to grieve or protest. I am being railroaded. My child has threatened to cut off contact with me if I cannot support “her” new life. But I dare not express any anger about these blackmail tactics. I have a hundred questions and no one to talk to. When I try to bring up some of these issues, all I get is a roll of the eyes and an abrupt end of the conversation. We haven't had this many slamming doors in my house since my children were teenagers.

So far I have refused to give in to the demand that I tell everyone else in the family about this. He doesn't want to talk to his (estranged) father or his sisters or grandparents. But I refuse to explain something I myself do not understand or accept. This is tearing my life apart. I feel sick. I can't eat or sleep, and my employer has noticed that I am not focused. This can't go on and yet I am being told this will happen immediately, without my consent, my only option is to agree or lose somebody I love very much. I thought I had given my kids a decent childhood. Because I was a single mother for the last few years they were at home, there were some things they had to do without, but they were always loved and secure. Now I feel as if I must have made some terrible mistake. Worst of all is the knowledge that something was going on with him, and I was oblivious. I feel deceived and stupid, which is not fair, but still. I doubt anyone would know how to deal with this situation gracefully. How do I get back in control of my life?

Dear Stunned:

Take a deep breath. You are hurting a lot, but this is actually the worst part of learning that your child is transsexual. Things can only get better after this. That may not seem like a lot, but I have counseled many families through this process, so I'm not making any false promises. I empathize with your shock, self-criticism, anger, and feelings of loss. But let me propose another way to think about this. When a transgendered person changes their public identity, it is not like a death. It is more like a birth. When you gave birth to each of your children, you moved from one state to another. Your own identity changed as well as theirs. Instead of being a pregnant woman whose baby was a part of her own body, you became two separate people. You were a mother and they were a baby. That was a huge change. It may seem idiotic to you, but there are women who cannot accept that change. They enjoy being pregnant so much that they resent the child for being born. Instead of raising the child, they focus on getting pregnant again. But it is natural for these changes to take place. It has to happen in order for both parties to fulfill their destinies. The only healthy choice for the mother is to let go of her pregnant identity and allow her child to become separate from her, although still quite dependent. You had to make similar choices at each phase of your children's development. A good mother chooses to support toe child's growth even though it means they become more independent and may seem further away. Eventually, if you can survive adolescence, you wind up with a child who can have an adult relationship to you because you have created the opportunity for them to be an adult.

Transgendered people are frequently told that they are going too fast. Loved ones ask them to slow down, to hold off, to try anything else. But is this really in their interests? And is it even true? We have accumulated enough research on the development of transgendered or transsexual people to know that their feelings of being identified incorrectly go back to early childhood. Most people who change their gender will tell you that they had these feelings as far back as they can remember. The only explanation I have for this is that the gender of a transsexual person must come from the same sources as other peoples' gender. I mean that it is based on genetics, brain chemistry, and other physiological realities.

This means that you did not do anything to make your child have gender issues. You sound like a concerned mom, someone who genuinely cares. Even when you were single, you didn't abandon your kids. You provided for them at a certain cost to yourself. But you were glad to do that because all parents have to set those priorities. One of the most helpful things you can do is to stop blaming yourself for this reality. While researchers are unable to pinpoint the exact causes of gender issues, they are clear that the way the child is raised has little or no effect. I've had parents tell me that they should not have allowed a son to play with dolls or wear dressup skirts, that doing this created “his” transsexuality. I've also had parents tell me that they tried too hard, that their child would not be transsexual if they had not made “him” play football or join the Boy Scouts. Neither is true.

This situation is nobody's fault. It is a difficult reality that both of you need to understand and accept. You didn't know it was going on because there is almost no information out there about transgendered children. This is slowly changing, but for most parents, such a development is beyond the realm of imagination. It doesn't happen to them or anyone they know. It is far away, a bizarre story that might make an entertaining hour of television. But this is only an illusion. Some children do turn out to be gay, transgendered, or they might marry somebody who is absolutely unacceptable to their parents, or change their religious beliefs. That is their right as a separate person. Children exist to become themselves. Parents choose to raise them, but this doesn't give the parent any right to control the child's future. I know there are traditional cultures who feel quite differently, but people who are different suffer enormously in these cultures. Some of us cannot fulfill traditional expectations. If we are forced to do so, we will make ourselves and others unhappy, or we will destroy ourselves.

I imagine you are very attached to being a woman. You identify greatly with your role as a woman. How would you feel if you were told you could not be a woman? What if you had to wake up tomorrow and dress completely as a man, and pass as one? You would have to wear facial hair and walk like a man. Your voice would need to change. You would be expected to know or do things that are not comfortable for you. You would be forced to take a different role in relationships and during sex. How does that make you feel? Do you start to feel as if it's a bad dream? Does it seem unreal, unfair, or untenable? Do you think you could live under those circumstances?

The facts that are being so hard for you to assimilate are things your child has known for years and years and years. The changes that seem sudden and drastic to you are things she has waited for a long time to accomplish. She can't wait any more because she needs to have a real life. Until she can be authentic, be herself, how can she work or go to school or fall in love? We live in a world where the first question people ask of a new acquaintance or a stranger passing by is, “Are they a man or a woman?” If people can't answer that question or if they feel you are not being the right kind of man or woman, they feel entitled to insult you and sometimes even become violent toward you.

If you have thought this through at all, you are afraid of this treatment. You don't want your child to be mistreated. Well, she doesn't want to be verbally abused or discriminated against or assaulted. The most dangerous time in her life is now, when she is not able to be a woman. It is going to take a couple of years for her to make a change. During that time, it will be very hard for her to find housing or support herself. If she is willing to suffer that much, surely you can see that this is a crisis for her, too. She is also operating on emergency terms. If she seems rude, rigid, or distant, it's because she is overwhelmed. Why didn't you know before? Why was this kept from you? Well, look at your reaction. She knows you as well as you know your child. She knew this is how you would react. And she thought she could not bear it. She could not live if she was a disappointment to you, she could not stand to see shame in your eyes or be disowned by you. So she waited, probably waited far too long, and hoped it would go away. But these feelings do not go away. So now she has decided that she will be herself even if it means she will lose you. In fact, she probably believes she will lose you. Consider how afraid you are of losing your child. Well, she feels the same pain and the same crushing terror.

But that doesn't have to happen. If you don't understand her situation, that can be remedied. It's possible to get the information that you need. But nobody can force you to care about your child or experience a bond with her. If you love each other, you don't have to stop being a family. But you will need to affirm the bond despite any misunderstanding or conflict. Your child really needs to hear right now that despite your emotional upheaval, you want to be in her life. You want to understand.

That does not mean that you have to agree to do things you don't want to do. The demand that you be the one to tell other family members is not tenable. She is understandably afraid to tell her family. She wants someone to help her. It's awful to have to do this on your own, to risk losing connections that are supposed to be stronger than any other tie we might develop as adults. Yet this is something many transsexual people experience. Many differently gendered people are disowned by their families. This contributes to a very high rate of drug use, homelessness, and self-harm. People who are isolated, people who have no safety net, have nothing to lose and feel that they are not worth very much. If you withdraw from your child's life, you will also take away her ability to fully love herself. You may take away her ability to defend herself and have healthy relationships with others.

Remind her that you have had a lot of shocking news dumped in your lap. You have barely had time to figure out your own reaction. You are in no shape to tell anybody else about this. But you are willing to get new information and learn.

There are several excellent books written for family members of transgender people. I don't want to overwhelm you with a long list, so I'll just mention a few. One is Rachel Pepper's Transitions of the Heart: Stories of Love, Struggle and Acceptance by Mothers of Transgender and Gender Variant Children, Berkeley, CA: Cleis Press, 2012. I can also recommend Transforming Families: Real Stories About Transgendered Loved Ones, 2nd edition, by Jessica Xavier, Mary Boenke, and Arlene Istar Lev, Hardy, VA: Oak Knoll Books, 2003.

If a book seems like too big a commitment, check out the website for Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays, a group that has worked for decades to keep families together, at www.pflag.com. They have an excellent pamphlet, Our Transgender Children, which you can download for free. They also have many local chapters where you can meet other parents with children who are gay or differently gendered, and you can find out more about TNET, a pflag affiliate that focuses specifically on the trans issue.

None of these resources contain information about how to change your daughter's feelings about her identity for the simple reason that this is not possible. She has probably already tried to talk herself out of being transgendered. She has searched for alternatives or remedies with an intensity that might frighten you. I doubt very much that she wants to upset her family, risk being alienated from them, and create a situation in which she is a target. It's kind of shocking that in this day and age you can still run into so-called therapists (most of them religiously-based) who will promise to “cure” people of homosexuality or transsexuality. None of this work has been validated by independent research. My own experience is that you can certainly browbeat some people back into the closet, but their feelings don't go away. Does it really help somebody to delay the day of reckoning and honesty?

The final resource I suggest is family counseling. When we feel overwhelmed, one of the first things we lose is the ability to empathize with somebody else. The most primitive parts of our brains are in charge when we feel that we are in crisis. This part of the brain can only identify threats and then fight or flee. We run or we fight. All of our energy is commandeered for these purposes. Nothing is left over to see nuances or consider how someone else is doing, even if they are in the same circumstances.

A good counselor can create a safe place where things can slow down. A lot. Simple statements can be considered for all of their subtle shadings. A reply can be crafted, corrected, and offered again. People can track their changes. They can see the other person's body language and be moved by a gesture of their hand or the dropping of their gaze. The counselor won't try to change your daughter's mind—or yours, for that matter. Someone who is skilled and qualified will let each of you speak your truth and yet keep the channels of communication open so nobody cuts and runs. Both you and your daughter need to understand that gender transitions do not happen overnight. Families have years to adjust to the changes. Different family members will understand (or not) in their own way and have various responses, which is their right. But nothing is written in stone. Unless someone has strong conservative religious or political beliefs, there is the possibility of seeing a transgendered person's struggles and understanding that they are, in the last analysis, only human struggles.

All of us are trying to answer certain key questions about our lives. We wonder, Who am I? Why am I here? Will anybody love me? Will I ever get to give someone else all this love that I feel? What should I be doing with my limited time on this earth? What are my values? How can I live according to those values? What would make me happy? Can I find a way to have the things that will make me happy? What do others need or expect from me? Can I or should I fulfill those expectations? All of us experience tension between the polar opposites of worth versus dross, meaning versus incoherence, love versus isolation, etc. Being transgendered doesn't get you off the hook for any of this process. But it is sometimes easy for us to believe that we suffer more than others, or have the right to feel sorry for ourselves. When we do this, we do the equivalent of a person who allows their understanding of God or their political theories to wipe away the value of other human beings. To the transsexual, it may look as if more conventional men and women have it easy. But I don't know any men or women (except for pathological narcissists) who do not struggle with existential questions abut their gender, how to live it appropriately, what it requires. Every man is afraid that he is not enough of a man or is the wrong kind of man, and every woman has issues with what it means to be female and how she should express or fulfill the possibilities her gender offers. In a way, we all have gender issues.

Down and Out (of the Bedroom)

mitch — Fri, 12 Apr 2013 04:00:00 +0000

12 April 2013

Dear Patrick: I finally agreed to talk to my doctor about being depressed. (I lost both of my parents within months of each other, and I am only 25.) My partner was concerned because my libido had fallen to practically zero. The doctor agreed something was wrong and gave me a prescription. But warned me that the pills might have side-effects. Well, the side-effect is that I can't get it up at all. So now I don't even have the consolation of the occasional erection to remind me of who I used to be. I don't know how much longer my relationship can last without sex. The physical release was nice but it also just reminded us of why we were together and how much we cared about each other. I really need some help, and I know you won't write me a prescription.

Dear Down and Out:

Go back to your doctor or pick a new one. Explain that the side effects of the antidepressants are making your depression worse. Our understanding of the brain chemistry that causes depression is extremely primitive. The new medications help some people, but not everyone can tolerate them. A competent physician understands this and is prepared for a period of trial-and-error. With depression this severe, I think it is worth it to try more than one medication. Sometimes a combination of drugs will work better than one alone.

The doctor can also facilitate erections and sex, so your relationship (and your self-worth!) doesn't fall apart. If your heart is healthy enough, you may be able to take Viagra or a similar drug. If you don't want to take these medications or can't tolerate them, you can see if a vacuum pump will help you to get an erection suitable for intercourse. Some guys with depression are suffering from low testosterone, and a slight increase in male hormones can bring back the libido.

If depression is deep, it is probably a mistake to try drugs alone. A combination of drugs and therapy often work better than either modality alone. See if you can find a therapist you like and trust. Someone who is well-versed in cognitive-behavioral therapy may be able to help you to improve in less time than a different style of therapist. Or you may need a more patient approach that will give you time to talk through your experience of loss and sadness. Losing both of your parents at such a young age is a great misfortune. Anyone in your situation would be grieving. And I am willing to bet this is not the only thing that troubles you.

Depression isn't just an experience of feeling despair or hopelessness. It is also a self-contained world that reinforces itself and makes itself worse by changing your thinking. Depression alters our perception of reality. We may come to believe that we are more alone than we really are, and so it isolates us from loved ones who want to help. You can recognize depressed thinking because it has an all-or-nothing quality. Things are seen in extreme terms of black-and-white. People are either perfect or no good at all. And so are you. Therapy can help you to identify this downward spiral and get more in touch with reality. Yes, you face genuine challenges, but that doesn't mean you are a failure or that life is over for you.

If you have any spiritual convictions, this is a good time to remain in touch with your community of faith. Many a depressed person has found relief in their relationship with those who share their beliefs. Service to others can also get you out of the self-absorption of depression. If doing volunteer work is too much, have something you do each day to make yourself feel useful. This can mean doing the dishes, watering a plant, caring for a pet, or answering e-mail.

Somewhere along the line, you were given the beliefs that underlie your depression. Medication can't eliminate these feelings entirely, but it can give you a bit of a lift so you can start fighting back. This is a struggle to save your life. I think you know that. So do not harm yourself or others. If all else fails, go to sleep. You may wake up with increased energy, able to resist. Try to remember what you used to enjoy, what seemed beautiful to you, and what made your life meaningful. Allow yourself to have some form of those experiences now. You deserve to go on living, and you deserve to be happy. I hope you will get the help you need to survive this difficult period and create improvements in your emotional world. Sex can really help! I think your instincts are correct, so I'm glad to think that you will tell your doctor what you need. Medical and mental health professionals have no idea how you are doing unless you tell them. The good ones are always willing to listen and look for another solution.

On rape culture.

Kaleigh Trace — Thu, 11 Apr 2013 10:47:09 +0000

Trigger warning: This article talks about rape and sexual assault.

Looking to Settle Down

mitch — Fri, 05 Apr 2013 04:00:00 +0000

5 April 2013

Dear Patrick: As a veteran who lost a leg to an IED, I am trying hard to get back to a normal civilian life which of course includes dating. So far it seems like the missing leg means more to me than it does to the women I ask out. But I find myself being very self-conscious in bed. Lately I've been chatting with an on-line acquaintance who says she has dated other guys in my situation. She has hinted that she might prefer it, in fact. I was surprised by how angry this made me. I was hurt serving my country, not pursuing some kind of fetishistic thrill. She wants more of a connection and would like to meet me. But she would have to travel to do so, and I have made excuses so far. Do you think I should pursue this or just drop it? I like the photos she's sent me, and we are compatible in some important ways. Your perspective might keep me from making a mistake.

Dear Looking to Settle Down:

The reality of injured veterans is creating social pressure on all of us to update our definitions of attractiveness and health. Those improvised explosive devices are hurting far too many men and women. There certainly is a powerful stereotype that men who have lost a limb have also lost their potency and independence. But some of the most sexually open and determined people I've met are classified as “disabled.” I am really glad to hear that you are fighting the disempowering stereotypes and looking for a good partner. Of course you continue to feel the need to give and receive love … and hopefully some naughtier experiences as well.

The range and variety of human sexuality is pretty awesome. Fetishists are in a position similar to that of disabled people. Most people with fetishes did not ask to have that feature included in their sexuality. It is something they received, like the color of their eyes. They are in the position of trying to have decent lives despite being different, and despite sexual desire for things that most people don't understand. Fort example, she might be seeking out a person with an amputation because she wants to lose one or more of her own limbs. How would you feel about that? If you have a strongly negative reaction, you should probably ask her bluntly if this is her situation, so you don't subject either one of you to a further waste of time or painful rejection.

I certainly wouldn't suggest that you have sex with somebody who doesn't think you are hot. One of the advantages of dating or sexing with somebody like your on-line friend is the fact that you won't have to worry about being virile and getting her erotic attention. She will want you because of the same quality that might make other women turn you down. The same thing that makes others see you as less of a man could, in this relationship, give you enormous power. How do you feel about role-playing or acting out fantasies during sex? If this disturbs you, she might not be a good choice for a partner. Are you determined to only date women you might marry, or is it okay to date women without being certain of the outcome? Would it be okay to have some experiences that are new, maybe shocking, maybe satisfying?

I sense that mutual respect is very important to you. Will she be able to understand that the missing limb (and the experience of being hurt in a war) both mean something different to you than it does to her? Can she see you as a separate person who has his own story, values, and needs? Or are you going to wind up feeling like a piece of pornography or a sex toy that she can use and discard? If somebody can't make room for your perspective, you ought to reject them for a lack of maturity, whether they are a fetishist or not.

The terminology here frankly confuses me. It can be hard for an expert to distinguish between “a fetishist” and somebody who is just really clear about what qualities in a partner turn them on. What are we to make of the man who only goes out with women who have large breasts, or the women who check out a guy's butt before they check out his face? Are you a fetishist if you like to see muscle development or watch a partner work out at the gym? The bottom line has to be the emotional component. How are other people treating you? Do you feel listened to, validated, perceived as a man in your own right? Do you see her as a person and not as a problematic behavior? Is she able to share her hopes and dreams, her needs and dislikes, her personal history, without focusing exclusively on specific sex acts? Is there chemistry? Do you click? Do you feel challenged to learn new things and become a better person?

It can be very hard to see whether these important elements exist without meeting in person. Have a candid conversation about your doubts and also your attraction to her. She should probably rent a hotel room rather than planning to stay with you. It would be ideal if she had another reason to be in your area. That way, if the date does not work out, she can still go to the museum or attend the concert or whatever. The trip won't be 100% a loss. Every time two people meet, there is vulnerability. No matter how much you enjoy writing to each other or talking on the phone, an in-person meeting can be the start of something big, the beginning of a mistake that will eventually fizzle, or it will immediately fall flat as a pancake.

Meeting her could also be an opportunity for you to clarify what you are looking for in a girlfriend or wife. If you feel vulnerable regarding her attraction to your physical difference, you might remind yourself that it's a big deal for a woman to go meet a strange man and trust him enough to let him be alone with her. Be sensitive to that. Let your first meeting be in a public place, so everybody feels safe. Set it up with the understanding that either one of you has the right to say, “I don't think this will work” without any fireworks. If she can't handle disappointment like an adult, with a minimum of drama, you don't want to be with her no matter how cute, smart, or funny she might be.

Pearl Diver

mitch — Fri, 29 Mar 2013 04:00:00 +0000

29 March 2013

Dear Patrick: My girlfriend tastes a little different than she used to. I wouldn't say she tastes bad exactly but I do notice a change. Should I mention something to her? I don't want to make her feel bad about her body, but I wonder if a trip to the Gyno might be in order.

Dear Pearl Diver:

Oh, honey, this is a diplomatically difficult situation. We have all heard plenty of hateful comments about women's genitals. I once tried to do a communication exercise in a sex education class and asked everyone to help make a list of slang terms for female sex organs. One of the women there raised her hand after about five minutes of this and asked if people were deliberately using contemptuous terminology. We had to stop the sex ed and have a conversation about the power of language to control and demean certain classes of people. The point of the exercise was to help participants to create vocabularies they could use to think about their own sexuality and communicate their needs to a partner—even understand others better. But if the terms for your intimate parts are also used to insult people, that process has to have a political component. You need to claim the language of hate and infuse it with new meaning, and you also probably have to make up new terminology that is owned only by the people whose bodies are at issue.

So here you are, wondering if your partner has a vaginal infection or some other medical problem, and you don't know how to bring this up without reinforcing any misogynist bullshit she has had to listen to about women's bodies being inferior, disgusting, weak, ugly, etc., etc., etc.

The first thing you do in a situation like this is to own it. Just tell her you need to bring something up but you are afraid to make her feel bad about her body. Explain, as accurately as you can, what you have experienced. She may be filled with fear and self-hatred, or she might take it matter-of-factly and just go call her doctor and make an appointment. If the former is true, be a strong loving presence. Repeat how much you enjoy and appreciate her body. Tell her you know this is hard, and you never want to hurt her, but you also want her to be healthy. Any infection is easier to treat if you catch it early. You have very useful data, and I wish it was easier to communicate it to your sweetheart.

Many things can cause a change in the body's taste or odor. The most likely candidate is a vaginal infection. Yeast infections tend to smell like beer or rising bread. Bacterial infections have a nastier smell rather like rotten fish. The treatment for these (and other causes of vaginitis) vary greatly. So you usually need a doctor to diagnose and treat them. There are also skin conditions that might need treatment. The dermal covering of the labia or the area between vagina and anus can suffer from an overgrowth of yeast. These things can happen because you are eating too much sugar, using a lubricant that upsets your body, developing an allergy to soap or laundry detergent, or wearing underwear that doesn't allow enough air to circulate. (Satin is sexy but plain cotton panties are best for everyday wear.) People can also get infections from sex toys that aren't clean, toys that are shared, or fingers and toys that go from the anus to the vagina without being thoroughly washed first.

A few of them can also be spread from one woman to another, although this is pretty rare. This is helpful because it could make her feel better to check you out. If both of you are getting evaluated for healthy taste and smell, she is less likely to give in to the Typhoid Mary self-talk that can be so depressing and unfair. Both of you are taking care of each other's health, being guardians and protectors.

I hope you can find a doctor who is knowledgeable and respectful toward women's bodies. Don't put up with bad treatment. If your girlfriend feels it is not safe to tell her doctor she is in a relationship with another woman, she doesn't have to do so. It isn't clinically relevant anyway. There are a few infections like trichomoniasis that male and female partners can pass back and forth. So the doctor may ask you to bring your partner in for examination. If you want to keep your sex life private, tell the doctor that is not possible. Each of you can visit your own doctors to maintain your privacy.

In a perfect world, nobody would have to worry about this. All doctors would be expected to give their patients equal considerate care. There are times when you have to tell a doctor, even if they are a bigot, about your sexuality because it is relevant to your treatment. But there are other times when you can do whatever you need to do to feel safe. Getting treatment is the priority. Whatever it takes to make that happen is okay.

Straight but Not Narrow

mitch — Fri, 22 Mar 2013 04:00:00 +0000

22 March 2013

Dear Patrick: Is it homophobic to say “no” to a blowjob from another male, especially if you have never tried it so you don't really know if you would like it or not? My best friend is gay. He says he wants to have sex with me and it is okay if it is one-sided. But that seems a little weird to me. Why would he want to do that? So I don't really trust the offer.

I don't think I am a hater. Did I mention my best friend is gay? But it never occurred to me that this sex thing would come up between us. As far as I know I have no fantasies about sex with other men. But I know it hurt him when I said, “No way,” and now I think maybe I was too emphatic or freaked out for all the wrong reasons. What do you think?

Dear SBNN

I have occasionally heard of people who only realized they enjoyed same-sex activity after they tried it. If not for these out-of-character experiences, they would have continued to think of themselves as exclusively heterosexual. The problem is that we live in a culture that censors images of hot sex between two men or two women. Yes, I know about Internet porn. That's not exactly what I am talking about. Unless you specifically seek out gay X-rated material, you probably won't see it. It remains in its own little ghetto. The point you raise is perfectly valid. If you've never tried it, to be 100% fair, you don't know how you will feel about it.

But is that a good enough reason to experiment with a sexual behavior that is radically different than the acts you do fantasize about and know, from direct experience, that you enjoy? As a card-carrying bisexual, you probably expect me to say, “Yes, of course,” but I'm not sure. Such experimentation is often punished. In a homophobic world, it only takes one blowjob from a guy to get another guy branded as queer. There's no recognition of special circumstances that might lead to behavior that doesn't necessarily wind up changing your identity. Bisexuality isn't validated either. Losing your job, your relationship, or your family's respect is bad enough when you know you are gay, and you at least have the rewards of self-knowledge, honesty, good sex, and a somewhat supportive community. I can't imagine what it would feel like to suffer from antigay stigma when in fact you prefer women.

The lack of explicit fantasies would prejudice me to believe you are a Kinsey 1, but once again, I have (very rarely) heard from men who were surprised to discover they liked a sex act or a type of sexual partner, but these things had not been part of their fantasies. It is much, much more common for women to be surprised this way. Most of the raw material for erotic fantasy is male-oriented. Some women like it anyway, and good for them, just as a handful of men enjoy lesbian erotica produced by and for lesbian feminists. In a sexually liberated world, we might discover that people differ a great deal in the degree of consistency or inconsistency between their sexual fantasies and their actual behavior. Some of us seem to enjoy certain fantasies because they include material that we don't want to actually perform. Other people can't imagine why you would get turned on by a scene that wasn't a hopeful re-living of an especially great encounter.

Despite the heterosexual bias of our media and other institutions, I think most gay men would agree that they knew they were attracted to other men and fantasized about them a lot before they were lucky enough to meet an available, attractive partner. This is also true, to a lesser degree, for most bisexual men. We could, of course, ask ourselves if this is the result, once again, of bias. In a world where you will become a second-class citizen if you are gay or bisexual, it takes a certain amount of toughness and “fuck-you-ness” to be out of the closet. If you can repress your same-sex desires, you probably do, and count yourself lucky while you fake it. I think this is a miserable way to live, but some people are not cut out to be outlaws or dissidents. Let's not deceive ourselves that all the disapproval, stereotyping, gay bashing, and other marks of disapproval don't take a toll. But you hardly sound like someone who is actively repressing a secret man-to-man magnetism. You sound like a considerate heterosexual who is an ally of gay people, someone who is educated enough to resist stigma and go his own way. But that doesn't mean you have to drop your pants.

You are in an especially difficult situation because you care about the person who propositioned you. It sounds like you wish to have the friendship continue. You are not being put off or frightened by his offer to give you pleasure. Like you, I am suspicious of the “no strings attached” proposition from a guy who is emotionally close to you you. If he honestly thinks he could have one-way sex with you and not resent it, or do it once with no expectation that it would continue, he is perhaps delusional. Very few gay men want one-sided sex. Friends who express sexual desire are no longer friends. They are applying for a promotion to the position of lover. There are good reasons to believe he may be falling in love with you.

All sex ought to be consensual and ethical. If having sex means something radically different to each partner, it may be a bad idea to let it happen at all. Unrequited love is painful enough without being reinforced. If there is no hope you will ever be his boyfriend, that is a harsh reality he cannot face and transcend or get over unless you are honest (and consistent) about your boundaries. I'm sure you can visualize the tension here. He would be auditioning for that promotion, perhaps representing all gay men in his own mind, and you would have mild curiosity about whether this adventure would give you an erection or not. Sounds icky to me, and a recipe for a major explosion afterward.

If you are worried that you hurt his feelings, you can ask for his permission to bring this up and process a bit more. He may or may not agree. If he claims he was just joking or disses you for taking the whole thing too seriously, let him save face. If he can keep his pride, the friendship might survive. He already knows you are not a homophobe. There is a history between the two of you that proves this fact. He also knows that he surprised you. He may have surprised himself by blurting this out. Sometimes there is no way to help another person, even somebody you love, to get through a painful event. If you are the cause of the painful event, for example, you can never be much of a comforter. You can only allow him to take a little space and do some self-care. It isn't easy to turn down a proposition from someone you care about. In a better world, he would not be so likely to become emotionally or sexually focused on a man who is not available. But this is not a better world. It is an ugly place full of hate and short on justice. Just let him know that you are still available to he his friend if he wants to give you a call. If he is angry, that's understandable, so try to be patient, but don't tolerate abuse. There is no rule that says straight people have to engage in same-sex encounters to compensate homosexuals for their poor treatment. Bad sex will not bolster gay rights.

do your homework (or, what goes wrong when writers don’t… and then write about kink)

Andrea Zanin — Sat, 09 Mar 2013 08:57:57 +0000

Today, I have a few things to say about two articles on BDSM that have come across my feed these past couple of days: “No, Being Kinky Does Not Grant You Minority Status” by Meghan Murphy for Rabble.ca, and “