Breathless

Friday, June 19, 2009

Question

I'm a lesbian who has always liked big women. I feel so cautious about writing to you because I don't want to reinforce any stereotypes or get ridiculed. But to me, there is nothing hotter than a woman of size who is not ashamed of her body. The problem is that my current lover just doesn't believe my erotic interest in her is genuine, or maybe I am just not prepared to go far enough to satisfy her. She is clearly the leader in all of our sex play, and I enjoy kicking back and watching her imagination go to work. But I can't satisfy her the way that she most enjoys. She wants me to lay on my back while she kneels over my face, so that I can use my mouth to make her come.

We have tried this position a couple of times, and I always have to call a halt before my lover has had enough. The problem is that I have asthma, and being surrounded by her thighs for some reason triggers it. She says I am being fat phobic and doesn't want to consider any other way for me to please her in bed. She says that the asthma attacks are psychosomatic, and if I really wanted to do this, I would find a way to relax and enjoy it.

Frankly, I've never had a dominant woman who insisted on this position. In the past, they've always been happy to lay back and allow me to orally service them. It hasn't been a problem if I need to take a brief break to catch my breath, use my inhaler, or just admire them and do something else for a little while.

I really love this woman. I want to keep her in my life. What can I do? The sexual problem is bad enough, but the fact that I am being accused of secretly disliking the attribute that I really admire and get off on is if possible even worse. I feel misunderstood and unjustly accused as well as being bad in bed. Help?

Answer

Oh, dear. Your girlfriend certainly seems to know a lot about what is going on in your head. First she accuses you of being an enemy of the Fat Nation, then she ferrets out the evil and secret intention behind your asthma. What a waste of time. I really wish we didn't live in such a crazy, thin-obsessed world. It's far more likely that your girlfriend has internalized all of the crappy messages big women get about their bodies, to the point that she is unable to believe another woman genuinely desires her. She's also being pretty rigid about sex, and I can sympathize with that—to a point. Once you find a sexual technique that you enjoy, it's kinda hard to substitute something else.

But the fact is that we are all capable of learning more than one way to have an orgasm. And a pretty fantastic orgasm at that! This can be as simple as learning to enjoy a familiar form of genital stimulation (such as oral sex) in a new position (such as on your back), or it can mean using a toy (perhaps a vibrator) in the same old position (standing up). You can worship her pussy and her gorgeous self with your hands, a vibe, or a dildo—the question is, will she loosen up enough to accept your sincere desire to give satisfaction?

Is there some reason why laying down triggers her? If she is having flashbacks from an unpleasant or unwanted sexual experience from the past, it is difficult but not impossible to gradually accept and relax into an emotional state of safety, realizing this is a new and different situation that is not threatening. Does she believe that she can only be dominant if she is looming over you? Believe me, a "dominant position" can be any damn thing the top decides it is, including getting boned from behind. I'm serious!! The whole point of erotic role-playing is to individually negotiate the meaning of what you are going to do. I've met badass tops who had to wear a pair of nipple clamps to keep themselves excited during a scene. I don't have any problem with that. People who do are trying to stereotype or prepackage erotic play into a predictable set of boxes or categories that takes all the fun, mystery, and originality out of being a perv.

Even if your asthma is unconsciously stimulated by feeling somewhat claustrophobic, is that not understandable? Isn't the definition of "unconscious" exactly the state of being out of your conscious control? I'm not exactly a small guy, and I've had to accept the fact that my size brings certain consequences with it. I can't lay on top of my partner for half an hour unless I want him or her to wind up looking like a pancake. Permanently. Gotta keep those arm muscles strong if I expect to continue to enjoy the missionary position!

This may boil down to a question of whether she loves you as much as you love her. Real love—the kind of love that can become the basis for a long-term relationship—has a sense of humor and retains flexibility. The challenge of getting close to another human being in bed always involves compromise. People are complicated little widgets. At my advanced age and GSAW (Great State of Accumulated Wisdom), I have come to believe that if I don't get any of my precious sexual assumptions contradicted during courtship and its consummation, the other person isn't telling me the whole damn truth about what they like.

I do hope your honey comes around and trusts you enough to understand that you can't help losing your oxygen, and yet you also genuinely want her to be happy in bed and have something good to offer.

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