Dead-ear dick

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Question

I'm a 38-year-old mom. I have an unusually high drive compared to most women I know. I enjoy sex immensely, and for the most part I was lucky enough to have stumbled across men who "have a clue." I'm now with a wonderful man who is well-adjusted, open, honest, thoughtful and sharing and he has no qualms about taking my children on as his own and purchasing a home together. The trouble is, he's absolutely clueless about foreplay and how necessary and wonderful it is for a woman (and can be for a man, too). I don't usually need that much, since I'm pretty horny most of the time, but there's so little of it, done with practically no skill or passion, and he's got a huge cock that's always rock hard to boot. When you're not adequately lubricated—ouch.

I would love to experience fulfilling sex with this man but it's getting to the point where I feel I'll have to move on rather than face a lifetime of heartbreakingly bad and painful sex.

I've tried talking to him about it many times, but he seems to think that I'm the only one who has a problem. I asked him about his past lovers' reactions and he said they always screamed so loud, like me, and would be grabbing fistfuls of his flesh in sheer ecstasy. I think they were in agony and using the intense feelings to fake the opposite so as not to hurt his hypersensitive feelings. This has been going on for a year and a half with no luck in getting him to see that there's more to the intimate side of a relationship than a minute of robotic foreplay and sticking it in.

He's very affectionate outside of the bedroom but is not very skilled at touching. Is there a way that perhaps I haven't thought of yet to get him to take this seriously?

Frustrated with a capital F

Answer

The "everyone else I've ever slept with loved it so it must be your fault" line of defence is bullshit. Why? Women lie. Why do they lie? Well, because they don't want to get slapped with the ego-crushing "everyone else I've ever slept with loved it so it must be your fault" line of defence. Moreover, it doesn't matter if they actually did like it. You need something different and you've clearly been approaching the topic with patience and tact—a very difficult state to maintain when you're horny as fuck—so pat yourself on the back for that.

Obviously, you made the decision to buy a house and make this man the father of your kids (and presumably with the knowledge that his sex skills weren't set on thrill) in a worryingly brief period of time under extenuating circumstances, but let's look at the hard facts.

In a year and half, he has not only refused to change his approach but also implies that there is no need to. I'll be honest, it seems utterly impossible that he doesn't already know his technique is sorely lacking—you'd have to be living in a cave not to know that most women like more than just to be rogered raw. There are endless solutions designed to encourage more fulfilling intimacy at www.goodforher.com, www.venusenvy.ca, www.lovecraftsexshop.com and www.comeasyouare.com but I'd like to dust off the old mom truism and turn it on its head, so to speak: he's got one dick and two ears for a reason. As you've realized, his total lack of desire to listen and learn suggests a bigger problem than even the most thorough workshop, book or video can solve. What is he so afraid to hear? I'd figure out what that's all about before I started plunking down cash on tools that aren't even going to leave the shed.

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