A Massage and Nothing Else
Dear Patrick: I have a pretty stressful job that was giving me awful headaches. But I love the excitement at my company and don’t want to quit. My doctor suggested that I start getting massage on a regular basis. This works very well, if I can get a masseuse who understands I really do want a MASSAGE and nothing else.
Like many straight man, I have experimented with prostitutes. I was younger, away from home, scared to be in the military, and very lonely. But paying for sex just made me even more lonely. Today, I still feel that there are worse things than going home by myself if a horny evening’s search for erotic opportunities is not successful. I want a woman who is interested in me and full of her own desire, not an actress who is counting the minutes until she can leave.
I have tried only calling massage ads that say the person is licensed. Then they turn up and want to jerk me off instead of giving me a massage. I say no, they accuse me of being gay, and they still want to be paid. I feel that I shouldn’t have to pay for services I have not received, or support false advertising. I wish the law would just let sex workers advertise honestly, so that if an ad says, “Licensed Masseuse, No Sex,” I could be sure she really meant it. How can I get around the use of “masseuse” as a euphemism for “prostitution”?—Pounding [Big] Head
Dear Pounding Head: Wow. I don’t get questions very often about how to AVOID sex. If only I was the POTUU (President of the United Universe). Then I could simply issue Policy Update #Z57-1292, and remove the stigma from sex work as well as the need to hide behind slightly bogus ads. Please don’t be too mad at the lovely ladies and frisky lads who do erotic massage to earn a living. How else can you be a single mom or a graduate student and make enough money so you can actually take care of your kid or write a thesis?
When you schedule an appointment, tell it like it is. Explain to the person you called that you will be contacting the state licensing board to confirm that they do in fact hold a license to practice massage. See what they say to that. If the person says, “Go ahead, please do,” you can probably relax. Then DO check their license information. Most consumer licensing boards have websites where they post that information. If you still feel doubt, explain, “I hope I won’t offend you, but in the past I’ve had a problem with people turning up who expect to do something other than a massage for my headaches. If I get a sexual proposition, I will consider our appointment cancelled, and I won’t pay for it, either.” Once more, wait for their response and carefully consider your next decision.
If you have a reputable chiropractor, acupuncturist, or a holistic health center, many of these places feature massage therapy. Prostitution is rare (but not unheard of) at such a location. Unfortunately, some brothel owners are desperate enough to buy up expired licenses from chiropractors or other practitioners and open fake clinics that really sell nothing but sex. So you want to start with someone who you know is a legitimate source of referrals.
Once you find a skilled masseuse who is good at what she does, become a repeat client. Get your treatments from someone you can trust. I hope the two of you meet soon, and have a long and beautiful relationship.