Abroad, Just Wants to Masturbate

Friday, February 26, 2010


I am a touring musician and I often find myself sharing a room with my entire band. You might imagine that sharing a room would be a great bonding and team-building experience. However, all I ever think about as I'm lying there in a room full of dirty, drunken musicians is when and where I'll find the time and privacy to masturbate.

I need a good strong vibrator that I can use in the shower, is battery-operated for when I find myself in countries with different wattage situations and is discreet enough so it doesn't sound like Peter Gabriel's Sledgehammer through the wafer-thin walls of the many highway motels we stay in. Help a bitch out before all my songs end up being about my own blue balls.

Wet Yet Dry


Despite its terrible name (think jazz ballet number set to the Alan Parsons Project's "Eye In The Sky" bad), the Water Dancer is waterproof, compact, runs on just one AA battery and is priced at 20 to 30 bucks. It is, however, designed with clitoral stimulation in mind, so if you're looking for something insertable, a vibrator from this collection (nitetimetoys.com/toys/waterproof-vibrators.php) might be more up your alley. These are all priced very well, too. Most are made from a trademarked material called Velvet Cote, and one's made of TPR (thermoplastic rubber), but both materials are non-porous and phthalate-free.

All these vibrators are relatively quiet, but keep in mind that any vibrator that isn't electric or rechargeable has the potential to rattle if the battery isn't set in the unit properly. As well, what makes a vibrator waterproof is a small rubber ring called a gasket, so just make sure you don't lose that on your journeys and you're good to go.

I don't know if I'd ever bring an electric vibrator to Europe again, even with an appropriate adapter. My Magic Wand took the power out in the squat I was staying in, damaging the Wand irreparably and creating quite an uncomfortable scene.

Conversation that ensued with a squat resident after power was restored:

Resident, "What happened?"

Me, "I was blow-drying my hair."

Resident just looks at me like, "What kind of left-wing radical blow-dries her hair?"

Should have told him I was jerking off. Way more radical.

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