Annoyed and Satisfied

Friday, January 31, 2014


Dear Patrick:  I’ve got a hot and willing new girl in my life. I must be enjoying her because we are getting together more and more frequently. I love the fact that she is a passionate woman who is upfront about her sexual needs, but I’m a little ambivalent about a few things. She gives me a lot of directions. On our last date, she asked me to bite her neck. I was kind of busy doing other things, if you know what I mean, but I did what she asked. “Open your mouth wider, and don’t bite quite so hard,” she said. Feeling a little like a schoolboy with a critical teacher, I did what she said, but I was ticked off. Once we both got off, I just kind of wanted her to go home.

My friends think I’m really lucky to be having regular sex. Their reactions include, “I wish I could get a girl who would boss me around” to “Why do you even listen to her?” None of that is very helpful. What’s your take on the situation?



I have no future as a hip hop recording artist. Nevertheless, a perhaps apropos couplet springs to mind. “Don’t be a fool. Go to school.”

            Our cultural mythos would have us believe that every man in the world knows more about a woman’s body than she does. All men are supposed to be great lovers, and we are supposed to automatically possess the skills it takes to wear her out and bring a smile to her sleeping face.

            But what this means in practice is that we are rigid, afraid of criticism, impervious to feedback, slow to take direction, quick to focus on where we want that hard cock to go, and dead to the world once we get off. We usually don’t really know how the other person feels about what we did to their body, unless they call the police.

            It doesn’t have to be this way. Becoming a good lover is a lifelong process of continuing education. The better you get, the more you get, so this is the one school that shouldn’t have any dropouts. It is hard to find a woman who will open her mouth about what is going on in bed; harder still to find one who will say, “Yeah, I want you to do that, but do it this way instead of that way.”

            I get that she might be too bossy, in and out of bed. I also feel your pain about being scolded. But she didn’t really say, “You did something wrong.” What she said was, “I trust you so much that I am going to tell you some of my secrets. And I am going to tell you the truth. I’m not just going to blow smoke up your pisshole so you think you are the cock of the walk and crow like a rooster—until I break your neck and fry you up for dinner.” She is inviting you to dance with her to build up a sacred energy that keeps our little blue world spinning and glowing, the most nearly perfect gem in our solar system.

            So put your ego in an imaginary black velvet box, close your eyes, put your hands on her flanks, and follow the yellow brick road. Let her show you how to be a stud. Eventually this relationship may end. I understand that she may not be the woman you want to marry or the love of your life. (Who knows?) But she has opened a door for you that some men wander, questing, for a lifetime without receiving the invitation to come beneath the Elf Hill and meet the queen.

            If you are able to take a few simple directions, you have no idea how popular you will become. Women love guys who are flexible, guys who have experience but also understand that every female body is different. Look, this sex thing is not easy for the women, either. From one encounter to the next, they may have no idea how their Parts of Glory are going to behave. Clits are finicky and whimsical things, kinda like cats that have spent too much time indoors. Yesterday they wanted you to press your tongue against them and make a humming sound. Today, that hurts. So you have to lick around it, between inner and outer lip, until she warms up and helps you to follow the wandering joy spot to its next location.

            I sometimes think that men’s sexuality was built along relatively simple lines so we could trust our bodies to function well so we would have the energy to listen and the intuition to find a way through the maze. You are also opening a door for her and inviting her into a realm where cares are forgotten and there is only bliss and glory. Elfland has its king as well as a queen, you know. Be that guy. Not the guy who wrote this letter. This letter is stupid. Tear it up and go get inside her panties.


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