At Wit’s End

Friday, June 25, 2010

Question

I’m 24 and I’ve never had an orgasm. I’ve had my fair share of very awesome sex, so that’s not the problem, and I’ve come close a few times (I think – my whole body starting to burn up). I generally don’t masturbate, and when I do I hardly get wet or turned on, even if I use a vibrator (a Butterfly), lube and porn. It just doesn’t compare to being with someone. 

The odd thing, though, is that three years ago I started to have wet dreams, so I actually do know what it’s supposed to feel like (contractions and so on). The dreams themselves are becoming less and less sexual, and I’m more and more removed from what’s happening. For example, the last two or three times I had these dreams I wasn’t even touching myself, I was just lying or sitting there, and nothing else was happening. 

Sometimes I think the problem is more psychological than anything else. At this point I find it embarrassing and I’m almost afraid to come, like a vein behind my eye will burst or that it’ll hurt. Sometimes I’ll have mild panic attacks and cry uncontrollably for five to 20 minutes. 

I just don’t know what to do. Are there any workshops or books you can direct me to? I read For Yourself by Lonnie Barbach, which was only somewhat helpful. 

I generally know what I like and  really do enjoy sex, and this is the one thing that’s bugging me most about my sex life. It’s something I’d rather keep to myself, but it inevitably comes up with new partners, and I’m tired of it. 

At Wit’s End

Answer

Isn’t it amazing that you say the problem is psychological and yet it is your brain alone that is providing you with the only orgasms you’re having? As I often ask, ever get that feeling that your brain is smart but you’re not? Your brain, when it’s not being oppressed by your fear of being vulnerable, is telling you, Come on, Wit’s! Let go and have some fun!So how are you going to do that while you’re awake? I think you’ve got to let go of this ambivalence you have for masturbation – the fact that you even compare it to sex says you’re holding it, and yourself for doing it, in contempt. Masturbation is one of the best ways of learning to let go. Believe it or not, this couldn’t be more normal. The terror we all feel at being exposed stops us from doing many pleasurable things. We feel weak for wanting these things, yet so desperately attracted to them that they give us panic attacks. You need to first accept that pleasure is your ally, not your enemy.