Bi for His Birthday

Friday, October 29, 2004


My husband has a sexual fantasy about seeing me with another woman. This was shocking to me at first and even somewhat hurtful. I wondered why he needed anybody but me. But after four years of marriage in which he has remained my best friend and an ardent lover, I feel secure in the fact that he is not going to leave me for somebody else. He's often talked to me about this fantasy while we make love, and it's become an arousing idea for me as well. I would like to surprise him for his birthday by giving him his fantasy. But I have no idea how to bring it about. What do you suggest? I'm willing to go ...


What a sweetie you must be. I'm glad to hear that you anticipate getting some pleasure for yourself out of this tableaux. Altruism is all well and good, but not when it comes to your first three-way.

It may take some time for you and your husband to find the right woman to do this with. So I would suggest that you give him a card for his birthday that he can redeem for getting his wish, and ask for his help in making it come true. I think the two of you might want to look at and answer some sex ads, and consider posting one of your own. In the U.S., I recommend Craigs List on-line communities as a good place to cruise. [Craig's list offers Canadian listings for Toronto, Montreal, and Vancouver. Also consider checking out -Ed.]

For print ads, protect your privacy by getting a post office box or by using the magazine's mail forwarding service. Don't give out your legal name, home address, or phone number in an ad. Be prepared to correspond with potential candidates or screen them on the phone. If there is potential compatibility, arrange a meeting in a public place. Getting together for coffee is a good idea since it's a relatively short engagement. If you find that you are not attracted to the other person, it's relatively easy to call a halt to the whole thing and leave.

If desire is mutual, however, pick up your purse and your husband his coat, escort your delightful companion to the car or bus, and reconvene for a night of sensual exploration. You have hopefully prepared your bedroom or hotel room before you set out for the coffee date, so that the sheets are clean and there are flowers, music, towels, lubricant, condoms, and sex toys, if you like them, ready for use. If the coffee date doesn't work out, you and your husband can always use this specially prepared space to enjoy one another.

I like to begin casual sex by showering together. This makes sure that everybody is clean. It's a natural and easy way to begin touching one another. If three people won't fit in your shower stall, your husband can watch the two of you soap each other up, then make his own cleanup a quickie.

If you have rules about activities that are not permitted, it's a good idea to say them out loud before sexual activity begins. This should be discussed with your husband in advance. Is he supposed to just watch and keep his hands off? Is it okay with you if he makes love to you while she watches? Do you feel okay about him having sex with the other woman? Or is it going to be more of a free-for-all, with everybody in a puppy pile, negotiating on the fly? Make sure your date understands these conversations, because she has a right to make some rules of her own. If she is a lesbian or just not in the mood for a man, she might not want your husband to touch or kiss her. Find out how open she is to various possible combinations of bodies and passions.

If you have never had sex with another woman, ask her to give you a massage, and just try to relax and enjoy her touch. Kissing is also a good introduction to touching another female body. Show her how you like your breasts to be handled, and caress her as well. If you like oral sex from your husband, you might also enjoy receiving it from her. But don't be a pillow queen! Make sure that the woman you've invited to share your bed gets what she needs to be excited and satisfied. It might help if your husband can assist you with activities you are unsure about, like going down on her. He can do this while you kiss the other woman and stimulate her breasts and the rest of her body.

But if you are curious about what it is like to experience more intimacy with her, I want to reassure you that her body can be as wonderful as your own. If she's a good communicator and you feel that it's easy for you to read her physical responses, that might make it safe for you to try to arouse her with your hands or lips and tongue. I hope she will enjoy initiating you into her body's mysteries, and be understanding if you are tentative because you are inexperienced.

There's a very low risk of contracting a sexually-transmitted disease during oral sex with a woman, but if you want to be 100% sure it's a healthy activity, put a little lubricant on a sheet of plastic wrap, and use it as a barrier between her vulva and your tongue. The presence of condoms and other safer sex supplies like latex gloves can reassure her that the two of you are conscientious about protecting everybody so there are no regrets the morning after.

If you want this to be a one-time thing, let your husband and the other woman know in advance that there won't be a second date. Even so, it's a good idea to exchange numbers in case anything comes up later healthwise that you need to talk about. Even if this is a one-night stand, be sure to part on good terms, affirming your gratitude and enjoyment.

And if you want to continue on this path of adventure, you should both read a copy of Dossie Easton's excellent book on open relationships, The Ethical Slut. Don't let the word "slut" scare you. It's a bit of California humor, not a put-down. Easton is a therapist with extensive experience in relationship counseling. This thoughtful and insightful book is truly helpful, answering all of the big questions that come up when a couple considers allowing one another to have sex with partners outside of their relationship.