Big Dick

Monday, September 12, 2011

Question

My girl ejaculates. She reads your column so she got some of those pads at the drugstore. They didn't keep the bed dry. I like fucking her but I am sick of the mess. I feel like it should be her job to clean it up or sleep on the wet spot since she is the one who ejaculates much more than I do.

Answer

Okay, I admit it, Constant Readers, this is not the nom de plume my correspondent used for himself. Something about it just seemed … appropriate.

Partnered sex is a cooperative endeavor. Picking out sex toys, making sure there's fresh lube, changing the bed, coming up with new things to try—all of these things are potentially fun activities that can lead to flirting, foreplay, and fucking. If we are going to start allocating sexual responsibility based on whose “fault” it is, why should she have sex with you at all? If you are the one who is horny, you are the one who should take care of it! Your resentful attitude is probably not lost on your girlfriend. Imagine how you would feel if all of your sex partners reacted to your orgasm as if it was unnatural, dirty, and hugely problematic—something they tolerated only so they could get off. (Actually, now that I think about it, a lot of men DO know what this is like!) Women already have enough crap to deal with given all the misogyny that labels their bodies as weak, inferior, evil, dirty, etc. Good sex happens when people make each other feel safe, attractive, and desired. If the judgments of the outside world can fall away once you are alone together, there's a chance to heal from self-hatred and guilt about seeking pleasure. You might also get more head and other things I bet you like.

I'm not sure why you seem so angry about the fact that she secretes a noticeable amount of liquid when she climaxes. The only way we can find out is to shift the focus to you for a little while. What were some of the messages that you got about sex as you were growing up? What did you learn or what were you told about women's bodies and your own? As an adult, what have you learned that made sex better for you? Are there things you want out of sex or out of a relationship that haven't happened yet? Are other parts of this relationship out of balance? Are you afraid her ejaculate might be urine? (This is not likely.) Do you feel at all competitive with her? Has this turned into the ejaculatory equivalent of a pissing contest? Do you feel overburdened by responsibility in this relationship, and desperate to make her do at least some of the work?

Something I haven't seen much written about is the question of gender and female ejaculation. The behavior we are expected to perform when we seek out erotic pleasure is often seen as an expression of sex-as-gender (or social sex role). Men are supposed to be the ones who have seed to sow, to go all agrarian on you. This became clear to me because of a client's concern about his own reaction to a female partner who ejaculated. He was afraid that enjoying her and wanting to make her shoot meant he was gay. Eventually he was able to see that it was up to him and his partner to define what masculinity and femininity meant to them, and enjoy their individual styles instead of trying to conform to stereotypes that were hurting their relationship. Rather than hiding an interest in cock, he was literally being bathed in female essences, which made him about as cunt-positive as you can be and still have a penis. Any of this resonate with you? Does her orgasm seem masculine to you?

Don't scoff at any of these questions. They are worth pondering for a while. You might even want to write down your answers so you can go back over them and look for patterns or a bigger picture that says, “This relationship is great” or “We need counseling.”

Would it help if the two of you could do a better job of containing the flow, so to speak, so that cleanup was an easier chore and nobody had to sleep in cold, wet sheets? If you take a look at those changing pads for incontinent adults, you will see that one side is plastic and the other resembles fabric. The plastic should go on the bed, and the fabric should be what touches the skin. Sometimes it's necessary to use more than one pad, or combine the use of pads with towels that can reserved for sex and thrown into the washing machine between bouts of lovemaking. You may even need to go to a department store and buy some cheap, fitted plastic sheets. I wouldn't recommend sleeping on them—they make most people sweat like crazy—but with a fabric sheet on top, you'll be comfortable and won't have to worry about the rest of the bed getting soaked.

What I have to say next will probably sound like it contradicts everything above. Nevertheless, I believe we are all entitled to have a bottom line when it comes to sex. In other words, there are some things that we absolutely must have if an encounter is going to be satisfying, and there are other things we cannot eroticize or tolerate. These can change over the course of a lifetime. Also, it can be difficult to distinguish between innate sexual needs or boundaries and the things we have learned from our families, peers, and cultures. I know some people would argue that all sexual preferences are based on learned behaviors and emotions. Without having any evidence other than a few decades of personal experience and observation, I disagree. I've met some of the most liberated sexperts of our time, and all of them have certain things that they can't give up or get over.

If the fact that she ejaculates is ruining sex for you, you have a right to move on. Just try to be kind and respectful when you break up. Don't make it harder for her to trust the next man in her life. This is why I suggested all of the things you could try before taking such a drastic step. While you are doing your fearless and searching moral inventory, BTW, don't forget to consult with the handsome man downstairs. If you are wincing, but he is raring to go, maybe you need to follow his lead.