Blue Pussy

Friday, June 02, 2006

Question

How can I help my partner become more comfortable with his sexuality (BDSM, fetishes, etc.)? He's never shared these things with another person. He's had a mostly autoerotic relationship for the past several years. He's coming out of his shell slowly. I want to do things that are supportive while being patient. But I'm starting to lose it because I have needs that are not being met. Even with self-love, I'm getting a case of …

Answer

Sounds like you have several challenges. Your partner is working through whatever feelings of guilt or shame that kept him from acting on his BDSM fantasies and fetishes. And he's also experiencing partnered sex on a consistent basis—which is not usual for him. Since you mention your pussy as one of the interested parties in this conflict, I'm assuming you need something more for your body than getting your high-heeled shoes kissed.

We're also both assuming that your partner wants to do something about his kinky fantasies with another person, and we're assuming that he wants to fuck you. It could very well be that he preferred being a shy or secretive person who had his masturbation fantasies and porn, and usually avoided sex with a living, breathing woman. If this is true, there's not a lot you can do to change it. Make sure that your partner shares your agenda before you invest a lot of energy in "helping" him. Sex is a powerful motivating force. If people really want something that will give them sexual pleasure, they are usually pretty strongly inclined to make it happen. But some people are psychologically not well-adapted for erotic, intimate relationships. They are so introverted that this is much too stressful for them. They do better when they are single and focused on other aspects of their lives.

I'm searching for some other explanation for his odd behavior. Most people who have had long-term fantasies about BDSM and little or no experience simply assumed they would never be able to act on their fantasies. When they find out that there is a leather community and a lot of other kinky people who want to play, they take off like a rocket. Does your partner suffer from something more mundane than internalized kinkophobia? Does he perhaps simply lack basic social skills?

It occurs to me that he may be the type of bottom who feels that fucking a woman is inappropriate. Some submissive men don't want the responsibility for satisfying the needs of a woman who wants a lot of vanilla sex. (Please believe me that the term "vanilla" is not intended as a pejorative. It's one of my favorite flavors of sex. And ice cream.) They are only able to tolerate interaction with a fragmented version of a woman. This is the dominatrix or other powerful female figure who enforces their submission to whatever it is they fear and crave. Some fetishists have never progressed to figuring out what they could offer a partner to make it worth their while to participate in the fetish. It has in effect become a protection from the demands of partnered sex, even if the individual claims to want such a relationship.

Tell your partner honestly how frustrated you are. Even if you've done it before, explicitly state or list what you need to be sexually satisfied. Tell him that if he doesn't want to do these things with you, that's okay, but you need to know. It isn't fair for him to keep you in limbo, waiting, while he claims to need more time. If he isn't going to put out, he needs to set you free so you can find somebody who does want what you have to offer.

Here's hoping he just needs a firmer push to get going. It would be sad if he retreated back into a lonely world when you've offered him this rich opportunity. But if he's really not available, it would be wrong for you to insist. Sex has got to be consensual, and sometimes people don't consent to do things that would be good for them. Sigh.

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