Dear Patrick: I work out of a friend's house as a dominatrix. She has a beautiful dungeon, and we really enjoy doing girl-on-girl shows for the clients or sharing fiendish ideas about how to make them suffer more pain and humiliation. She has a shocking imagination, that girl. And a cute, tight little butt that I love to look at and spank.
But my question isn't about her. It's about one of my clients. Most of them are older guys, and I don't mind that, because the gray-haired dudes seem to have accepted who they are. They don't feel the need to diss you on the way out. Maybe it's because they were raised with the idea of being gentlemen. The older my clients are, the more appreciative. Better tippers, too. So when this one guy came in, I kind of dreaded the appointment with him because he was so young, my age even.
But we had the most amazing session. I let it run a half hour over and I think we could have played all night long. He was just so responsive, absolutely up for anything I asked him to do. He was the perfect submissive, and he has a very high pain tolerance. Wow.
He paid me a bunch of compliments after we stopped, and then he asked me if he could see me again. (Yes, yes, yes, oh yes.) He also said that if it was allowed he would really like to pay for me to have a spa day, no strings attached. And it would be nice if we could have dinner sometime. He gave me his card and told me if I wanted anything, I could call him.
Most of my clients give me a fake name. And here I have this guy's real business card, with his legal name. He is trusting me so much. I really do want to see him again. My friend and I have set up certain boundaries because we want to keep our business legal. But I'd like to play with this guy the way I would play with a friend or a lover. You know what I mean.
What do you think? Do mistresses ever date their clients? Have you ever seen a relationship like that work out over the long term? I realize I am jumping ahead here. But if a relationship has no chance, at least I want to see if he would become a regular client. I've been thinking about him so much, I realize I'm a little obsessed. Do you have any kinky words of wisdom for a star-struck Mistress of the Forbidden?
Every dominatrix has her own policy about dating clients. But many do wind up going out with a guy who seems exceptional. All the normal people are dating co-workers and business clients, so why should you be any different?
I will warn you about a couple of things. One is that he seems too good to be true. Before dating him, get a background check done. You can request a credit report and see if he has a criminal record. I actually think this is a good idea before you date anybody who is going to have access to personal information like YOUR legal name and home address. A second concern is about his expectations. Does he also want to “see you” on the same basis that he would date a woman who was not a dominatrix? Or is he looking for a hotter, longer scene? That would, in most cases, be a scene he does NOT have to pay for. Be aware that dating him probably means giving him up as a regular source of income.
I think what you are trying to tell me is that you'd like to have vanilla sex with him. Some heavy bottoms are okay with that, but there are also submissive men who don't want to fuck their mistress. Penetrating a woman can signify that she is no longer in charge. I don't think it should be that way; I'm just warning you to have some honest conversations with him about what he wants.
One good test would be to accept the spa date. See if he really means that you can enjoy that treat without seeing him later. If he is able to keep his word and make a gift with no strings attached, that may indicate you can trust him when he makes other promises.
You asked if I have known any long-term relationships between mistresses and their former clients. Yes, I have. One of the best BDSM relationships I've seen began that way. But I have also seen dramatic disasters. Much depends on whether you are a good judge of character or not, and whether the two of you are compatible over the long haul. What do you really want in a boyfriend as opposed to a client? If you want someone to play heavier S/M games with, he sounds like the right guy for you. If you want someone who will let you loll around in sweat pants and watch TV with no expectations of whip-cracking or tight lacing, hmmm, maybe he's not ideal. For that, you probably want a guy who has no interest in BDSM (or sex, for that matter).