Bummed Out

Friday, May 30, 2008

Question

I think my girlfriend is faking it. She has an orgasm no matter what I do. She comes really fast, too. When I want to keep on going she always says she's already been satisfied. Is there any way to tell if a woman has really had an orgasm?

Answer

Stick her head in an MRI machine. According to a June 20, 2005 AOL news story entitled "Fear, Anxiety Shut Off During Female Orgasm," Dutch researchers were able to see what a woman's brain activity looks like when she is having an orgasm. As the headline would indicate, the centers that govern fear or anxiety (the amygdala) shut down. When they were faking it, these centers remained normal. Eleven women and 13 women were injected with a dye that shows changes in brain functions on a scanner. The men's partners gave them hand jobs and the women got clitoral stimulation. Unfortunately, Groningen University's neuroscientist Gert Holstege was unable to present full results on the male subjects. They needed two-minute long orgasms to complete the scan, and none of the men's climaxes lasted that long. The researchers were able to say that reward centers in the brain were activated for men, but not for women.

While some women do come quickly (you stud, you), most are able to reach more than one orgasm in a bout of lovemaking. Why doesn't she want to stay up with you and go for number two, three, and four? I dunno! I don't think you are going to be able to solve this puzzle until you get her to be honest with you. The problem could be as easy to solve as brushing your teeth before coming to bed, or it could be something more complicated. Maybe she has never had an orgasm, and hides this by pretending to be satisfied. Perhaps she doesn't really like the kind of sex you are having with her, but for some reason is unwilling to reveal her true fantasies or needs.

How do you react when things don't go your way? If you are the kind of guy who blows up and starts throwing things, she won't want to communicate with you. She'll hide anything she thinks you won't like. In order to elicit the truth, you will have to be patient, accepting, and low-key. Does she have good reason to believe that you love her and want the best for her, or is sex something you primarily do for your own gratification? Women are sensitive to this. They want men who are assertive and masculine, but they don't want to be used. Arrrrgh!

If you do your damndest and she still won't talk, suggest that she write a letter to this column. If she can tell me what's wrong, maybe I can give her some ideas about how to fix it. This is a roundabout way of attacking the situation, but sometimes women are very ashamed of their own sexual desires, experience, or lack of experience. Nice girls just aren't supposed to think about that stuff, and who wants to be called a slut and become an outcast? Kinky girls often react the same way, hiding their tastes from a partner they believe is too mainstream to give them a spanking, tie them up, or administer an enema. I don't know if you've got a girlfriend who never learned how to masturbate and come, or a wild tigress who is keeping her claws sheathed.

Good luck, homes. Heterosexual relationships would be so much better if women could give their men a clue. Most guys are eager to please, but without some instruction, how can they chart their way? Opposites attract, but this causes a great deal of mystery. Tits, clitoris, vagina, inner lips, outer lips, G spot, back door—whew, where does one begin? Where's the X on the treasure map? I hope she will arise from her reticence and give you a list of her favorite things. And I'm not talking about whiskers on kittens, dude.