Burning Up Below the Belt

Friday, June 07, 2013


I started jerking off more often when my wife got pregnant. I didn't mind. By Month Numero Ocho, sex was making her visibly uncomfortable. She was having our baby, so fair is fair. I just wanted to take the edge off so I could enjoy being with her and admiring all the baby clothes. The only place where I could find privacy was in the shower, and my dick started getting used to a fist full of soap suds. Cleanup was easy too.

            Now the baby's here and it seems like the only time our son can sleep is if he is in our bed cuddled up next to mama's warm, milky aroma. I sympathize. The little man has good taste. But of course she doesn't want to make noisy primate love in the bed when the baby's with us. Besides, it would defeat the whole point of cuddling him—to get the little arm-waving Diaper Monkey with his “I have to fart” smile to GO TO SLEEP.

            So I'm still jerking off in the shower. I don't want to be one of Those Guys who gets cranky when he doesn't get laid. I want to be a good husband and a good father. I love my family. I kinda wish sometimes I was a little more indifferent to my wife's charms. But at least I am thinking about her while I soap up the dick she hasn't seen for oh, I forget how many days or weeks.

            I noticed the other day, however, that my cock was not looking very happy. In fact, it looks like I caught a bad social disease that probably can't be cured with antibiotics. I don't see how this is possible. I haven't even looked at a picture of another woman, much less slipped it to a stranger. I'd like to say I had a lot of offers, but who notices a middle-aged guy with dark circles under his eyes except the street people who want my spare change and the occasional gay man with a fetish for FILF?

            Why is my cock falling apart? Why do I have a rash under my foreskin and bleeding bumps all over my ballsac? Why does it hurt when I pee? Am I being punished for abstaining from sex? Is this a symptom of the low testosterone they keep talking about on teevee? What should I do? My wife is the one who makes our medical appointments, but I know exactly what she will think if I show her this hot mess. I don't think I should let this go until it's time for my next physical.



This ailment is singularly unfair given what you are prepared to sacrifice to maintain your sanity while raising a baby. I'm not a doctor, so you shouldn't accept this hypothetical diagnosis without getting it verified. The good news is that you can go see a doctor without fear of having a sexually-transmitted disease (STD). As you say, it is virtually impossible to get an STD if you haven't—ta da!--been having sex with somebody.

            I think you simply may have developed an allergy to the soap that you are using as a jackoff lube. If there is this much discomfort, it is a serious allergy, and you may need some extra help from your doctor to help it to heal ASAP. Said physician might prescribe an antihistamine to calm things down and an ointment to soothe your skin. Don't wait for your next physical! You don't need to go through that much misery. Don't be afraid to show your wife what is happening. Put her mind at ease by showing her this column. There might be a bonus here, if anything “good” can come out of having an inflamed toolkit. This might be a good-humored way to initiate a conversation about whether she misses sex as much as you do.

            For the first few years of a baby's life, parents are pushed beyond endurance with a lack of sleep, anxiety about the little person's well-being, and being deprived of one another's company on all sorts of levels. There are usually some financial pressures, and social networks may change even though there is a greater need for friendly support. It can be harder to find non-sexual adult companionship. But if you and your spouse quit making love, eventually you are going to resent her and the baby. The two of you need a strong alliance to keep being a good family, and sex is a great way to remind each other why you are together, perpetuating our species like your brave ancestors have done for a jillion-million years. Your individual adult welfare is as important as the quality of life you provide for the little one.

            Don't overlook the fact that your wife has a libido too. I know it can be hard to remember this when you see her pouring heart and soul and milk into a kid. Our culture is not very nice about the realities of a woman's body and how she is affected by having a child. She may be wondering if you still find her irresistible. She needs sexual attention so she can remember that she exists as a person separate from her child. She has the right to be happy; she doesn't exist just to serve the needs of an infant. Parents who stay together learn how to steal minutes here and there for kissing, fondling, and other naughty niceness. It isn't easy to squeeze a night's worth of eroticism into twenty minutes, but it really is worth it to try. If you've hired a babysitter until 9 p.m., the movie lets out early and you are parked in front of your house at 8:45, by all means stay in the car and make out for a while! Stay up an extra half-hour once a week and exchange oral blandishments. The baby needs to learn to sleep in his own bed eventually. It won't hurt him to spend a few minutes alone in the crib while the two of you get it on. (Do people still say “get it on”? I'm sure you know what I mean.) He may cry when you first attempt this, but it's okay to let him cry for a bit. Babies cry in part because that's all they can do until they learn how to talk. Learning how to calm oneself down after crying is an important developmental task. It can be really, really hard to tolerate this, I know, but try. Check on him once or twice to make sure he hasn't gotten himself wedged upside down underneath the crib's mattress or opened the window and crawled out onto the fire escape. Then go back to bed and love each other.

            Parents often feel that if they hire a babysitter, they have to leave the house. But you may not have the time or money to go on a lot of dinner-and-a-movie dates. See if you can get an adult babysitter who will understand why mommy and daddy want to spend an hour or so alone in bed together. Have sex and then sleep. Until your kid is a little bit older, I'm not sure which you will need more, so grab both whenever possible.

            As you have discovered, masturbation is one way to take up the slack, so to speak, when there's a shortage of marital nookie. But you need to get a lubricant that won't make your parts hurt. Check out this website for reviews of lubricants. The products that are designed for women who have chemical sensitivities will also be good for you. And switch to a soap that is not going to make your immune system go into four-alarm fury. It may be time to start looking for that “no perfumes, dyes, or additives” label. Health food stores are a good place to shop for mild personal-care products.

            While you are looking for chemicals that might have caused the genital breakout, be sure to check out your laundry detergent, too. No matter how good your washing machine is, a little bit of soap gets left behind on sheets and underwear, and that can be enough to cause contact dermatitis.

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