Came Out

Friday, September 18, 2009

Question

"Discouraged by My Dick" wrote to tell you he was unable to have an orgasm when he was fucking his girlfriend. Your answer was lengthy and compassionate, but I think you missed a very important point.

Who is to say that this guy is heterosexual? When I was dating girls and later when I got married, it was extremely difficult for me to have an orgasm. I couldn't understand why I was such a hard case. Here I was, married, with a woman who was totally available and interested in me, and I was putting her off because I didn't want to struggle to get it up and then struggle to come for an ungodly amount of time. Other men were jealous of me because she was so beautiful, but our private life was miserable. I couldn't understand why God would challenge me this way. I was a good Mormon boy who had always followed my church's teachings.

Call me stupid, but it took me months to figure out that the only time when I could come was when I allowed myself to fantasize about one of my friends. A friend who was about 6'2", rode a Harley, had a full beard, and a very nice package from what I could tell from stolen glances at the crotch of his jeans. I told myself that a fantasy doesn't mean anything about what you might want to do in reality.Then my friend and I went out drinking one night, I confessed my marital problems to him, and we wound up having sex all over the motorcycle in his garage. Hot sex. And believe me, there was no problem getting an erection—more than one—and coming. More than once. I felt like I had been liberated from a dark cloud that had hung over me all my life. All of a sudden, everything made sense, and I knew I had to make some major changes.

Of course, the next day, my friend acted like nothing had happened. But I couldn't put it aside. I probably could have stayed married for years, occasionally going over to his house with a couple of six packs and some condoms, but I guess the values of honesty and consistency that had been drummed into me from childhood made it impossible for me to keep my mouth shut.

Fortunately, my wife and I had not yet had any children. Our divorce was fairly amicable. She was secretly relieved, I think, to find out that our sexual problems were not her fault. She has found someone else who is very good to her, I think. And I am happily not-married to a handsome man who, after eight years, still drives me completely crazy in bed. And in the kitchen. The bathroom. The car. The garage. You get the picture.Sometimes your cock is the only part of your being that will tell you the truth. That, and your fantasies.

Answer

What else can I say? You do indeed have a good point. Sometimes sexual dysfunction stems from trying to do a type of sex that you don't really want or enjoy. Heterosexual couples assume that intercourse is the primary form of lovemaking, but some of the women who can't orgasm during intercourse would rather be getting some tongue or a vibrator. The inability to get aroused, feel desire, or have an orgasm can also be the result of a gender identity problem or an unresolved sexual orientation issue.

It's difficult for me to cover all of the potential solutions to a reader's problem. Sometimes my intuition tells me to just focus on what they have said. I didn't want to add to this poor guy's problems by telling him he might be gay. He would have seen that, I think, as an attack on his already-shaky masculinity. (We both know that's not the case. But straight men usually assume being gay equals a demotion in virility.)Besides, sometimes a sex problem is just a sex problem. A person is confronted with a situation that he or she wants to enjoy, and yet performance is lacking. Sex problems can be caused by physical issues, emotional blocks, or both. A cognitive-behavioral approach that reduces anxiety, teaches more optimistic self-talk, and takes the client through small improvements is usually effective.

There simply aren't enough qualified and well-trained sex therapists. The field remains in a shadow, its professional credentials suspect, because we're apparently all still following the mores of Puritans and Victorians. It makes me crazy to know there are a lot of people suffering from sexual problems when most of them are treatable, and an immediate improvement in the quality of life can result. Unfortunately, I can't do sex therapy by mail, but I think that getting education about your options is a good first step toward a solution.

I'm happy to hear that you've found your ideal honey. But if you ever want to write a more detailed account of your first experience with that biker, honey, you have my e-mail.

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