Cave Woman

Friday, April 06, 2007

Question

Readers, here's a bonus item. It's a comment on a previous column rather than a question. Keep reading for a new Q&A!

Dear Patrick,

I wrote in about the problems my boyfriend and I were having due to his extra-large penis. I had thought about using some sort of "artificial stretching device," but we fixed it before I got there. The boyfriend's big penis didn't fit because I'm apparently allergic to latex. The condoms would dry me up and make me "smaller" because I was so irritated. I'd be wet during foreplay, but dry up right when he'd try to penetrate me. This wasn't really new, but other guys were small enough that it wasn't a major issue. We switched away from latex, and the problem ended. Things are very good now. Thanks!

Patrick here again:
PLEASE take latex allergies seriously! As consciousness grows about safer sex and more people use latex condoms and gloves, the possibility of allergies has increased sharply. Many hospitals no longer use latex gloves because of the chance of anaphylactic shock. This is a potentially lethal allergic reaction—the wind pipe swells shut, and without medical assistance, the person can't breathe. If you notice a rash after using a latex product, or if you feel sore or irritated, consider switching to a similar product made out of a different substance. Plastic food wrap can be substituted for a latex dental dam. Gloves can be made out of vinyl or nitrile. Condoms are also available made out of plastic. Avanti is one brand. (However, I do not recommend plastic condoms for anal sex, since I have anecdotal evidence that they are more likely to break than a latex condom.)

I am a middle-aged, married woman with a curious problem. My husband is agreeable to my finding a lover who can take care of my special need. I have a very, very loose vagina and need an extremely large penis to get real satisfaction from my sexual experience. While my husband is a great lover, there is still something missing. I know this because of the pleasure I get from using a large dildo. How can I safely find the right kind of guy who would be willing to fulfill this role? You would think that there would be some stable, well-endowed guy who would be happy to make me happy once in a while. All efforts so far have turned up complete jerks, or guys who think that six inches are going to impress me. Where is my knight in shining armor?

Answer

Try placing an ad on Craigslist or a similar service. Be specific but try to be flirtatious as well. "Married woman with permission to roam seeks a tomcat with ten inches or more. Be clean, discreet, and sincere. Let's meet for the occasional afternoon romp." This makes it clear that you aren't looking for a steady primary partner, just a reliable fuck buddy. You'll probably get lots of replies. Just steel yourself to wade through a lot of crap before you find the horse your knight rode in on. Don't give up. You don't need a dozen lovers, just one or two. He's out there, but you have to be persistent. It could take one month to a year of advertising to find someone who clicks.

I assume you are being cautious with new acquaintances. Don't take a candidate to your home. Meet him in a public place and get to know them before you agree to be alone with him. There's nothing wrong with dating him a couple of times before you give him any sexual pleasure. If he's a decent guy, he will understand that sexually adventurous women are in danger and need to make sure they will be safe. Ask to see some legal form of identification. Call and let a friend know where you will be and who you are with. Set up a reasonable time for a call to let him or her know you're okay. If you don't call in by a certain time, that person should notify the police. Let these guys know that they will be using condoms, too. Bring a lubricant you know you like, and bring some extra-large condoms, just in case your date "forgets."

There is another possibility which doesn't involve going outside of your marriage or taking a chance on sex with a stranger. Have you and your husband tried hand-balling? Next time the two of you fuck, why don't you lay down on your back and have him sit between your parted thighs? It helps to put a towel down under your butt to catch the extra lube. He should cut his fingernails very short and file them so there are no sharp edges on his hands. Then he should grease up his hand with a water-based, thick lubricant and open you up with a cupped hand. (We call this "making the duckie" in hardcore pervert circles.)

There's often room for the entire hand in a loose vagina. But he should proceed cautiously, and back up or stop if you experience any pain. If it helps you to relax and stay aroused, touch your clit. Of course touching your whole body and talking dirty are also good accessories. If you really do have a big vagina, his hand is going to slip inside of you. (He should tuck his thumb into the palm of his hand, and fold his hand in half lengthwise.)

Once inside, he can spread his fingers just a bit then bring them together again. This little bit of stimulation will probably feel quite intense to you. Slow, gradual movements can produce a ballet of ecstasy. Be sure to tell him how he is making you feel. Let him know that you love him so much for giving you this extraordinary pleasure. Some women like to have the person who is fisting them pull their hand partway out of the vagina, then slip it back inside. If this feels good, you can do it repeatedly, experiencing that sensation of opening up to him over and over again. Some women like pressure on the cervix. Rhythmic rocking up against it should be done with caution so as not to bruise your tissues.

If there's any blood, withdraw his hand and apply an ice pack. Go to the emergency room. You may have vaginal tearing at the entrance or elsewhere. But injuries can be avoided if you follow my instructions. Be sensible. Don't proceed if there isn't space for his hand. You've always got that large dildo to fall back on. If I were him, I'd want to use that dildo on you myself, perhaps while getting a blowjob. There are a lot of sexual techniques other than intercourse. Your husband may be willing to explore these things if he feels you want to have sex with him because of how you feel about him, regardless of the disparity between your bodies. Check it out.

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