Choked on My Tongue in the Bedroom

Friday, September 17, 2010

Question

I have been living with my boyfriend for two-and-a-half years. I sometimes masturbate two or three times a day. I like sex a lot. If I can't have sex every day or at least every other day, you can really tell, because I get cranky. I am open to anything. I will do anything. But when it comes to bedroom talk, telling him what to do, what I want, how to do it, I freeze up. I have been this way with all my previous lovers. It's like I become completely shy and can't verbalize anything. I am 33 years old. I have a child, been married and divorced, you would think I was past any obstacle. But throughout all my life, this is one area where I can't push through. Is there anything I can do, something I can read, that would help me to become more comfortable and confident with bedroom communication.

Answer

Don't fret. There are indeed ways to teach yourself to talk dirty. I have a few suggestions. Go to a large bookstore and look for their section of erotic novels. Buy a couple of them. It would be especially nice if you could find one that includes stuff you really like to do. Take them home, and when you are alone, read them out loud. At first, you will feel stupid doing this. But reassure yourself that nobody can hear you (and make sure that's true), and keep doing it. Twenty minutes a day ought to be enough. Read the books until you feel comfortable saying the words in them.

Make a list of all the sex terms you can think of. Say them out loud. Put a star by the terms that you cringe a little when you say out loud. Make sure you spend extra time reciting those trigger terms. Read the words out loud until none of them make you feel embarrassed.

Write down a description of your ideal sexual encounter. At first, it might be pretty simple. "I want him to go down on me then let me sit on his cock until we both come." Read this out loud a few times, then go back and start adding details. Eventually, you'll have something like this: "When he licks me, I want to feel how smooth and wet his tongue is. I love it when he draws circles around my clit, then sticks his tongue deep inside me." Read the more detailed descriptions out loud.

When you are comfortable reading erotic material out loud, make yourself do it in front of a mirror. This is like having an audience. It is okay if you laugh at yourself or make faces. Just go ahead and keep doing it until it feels normal and even boring.

When you are with a partner, remember that you usually don't have to describe every detail to get him excited. You say say simple things like, "I love it when I can taste you," or "You make me get so wet." Praising the size and firmness of his cock is always a good idea, as is encouraging him to give you more, or saying you can't get enough of him or can't wait to have him. Tell him when you feel excitement building or when you are about to have an orgasm.

The scripts you have written about ideal sexual encounters will be a big help. You can take sentences from them to spice up the sex. "Sitting on your cock feels so good. You fill me up completely." "Put your tongue there. Lick me softly. Go up and down between my inner and outer lips. Oh, God, focus on my clitoris. I need you. Go up and down. Just a little harder. Oh—faster, faster, don't stop!"

For most men, sex talk doesn't have to be complicated. They just want to know that you are present, and you appreciate their bodies and what they are doing to or for you. If they have a bit of a dominant streak, they might enjoy hearing you plead or beg for more. If they are in a submissive mood, being bossed a bit is sexy to them. And I think you will find that getting over this inhibition will help you, too.

A friend of mine who is a sex therapist suggests that women who are having a hard time getting in touch with their arousal should fake it. When you start moaning and moving your hips, it triggers the nervous system into beginning the sexual response cycle. Real arousal will flow into your body. This doesn't always work, but I have found it to be helpful for a number of my own therapy clients.

Let's put that tongue to work in a whole new way, Reader Dear!