Christopher Robin

Friday, July 29, 2011

Question

I love bears. But I am skinny. I want to be around bears. I want to be one. I am hairy but not fat. Bears only want other bears. I have a cute face and a boyish body. I am in shape but not muscle bound. What can I do? I walk past this bar all the time where a lot of big guys in flannel shirts, boots, and leather vests are partying. But I am afraid to go into it. Nobody would notice me. I am intimidated as well as attracted by their size.

Please don't tell me I should stick with men my own age and body type. You can't imagine how upset I am about this. If I can't have a relationship with the kind of man who arouses me, I think I'm going to have a very unhappy life.

Answer

Don't worry, somewhere your bear is waiting for you, wondering why it is taking so long to find you. But his name probably won't be Winnie the Pooh.

The slang term for somebody like you is an otter. There are actually quite a few relatively slim guys who find bears attractive. If that bar is at all crowded, you will probably see other guys like you, cruising the patrons. Gay men of all sorts love a cute boy, provided he is of legal age. When you go to the bar, make sure you wear something that shows off your best physical attributes. If you have good arms and a handsome chest, wear a leather vest with nothing underneath it and a pair of beat up jeans. Sneakers are NEVER permissible in a butch queer bar so invest in some boots. If you'd like to signal your interest in sucking cock, make sure the knees of your jeans are worn through. If you'd like some rear action, chaps might be a good idea. Make sure you've got a couple of condoms and a small bottle of lube with you in case you get lucky. Unless you are an addict or alcoholic, take a nip of liquor if you need it to relax or get your courage up, but don't get sloppy drunk. You'll make poor choices and you won't be pretty. So set a limit for your alcohol consumption, and stick with it.

Gay bars usually play loud music, so you aren't expected to keep up a witty conversation. You can indicate your attraction to somebody by buying him a drink, but even that is more formal than most pickups. Catching somebody's eye then giving his body the once-over, or letting your hand dangle near your crotch and licking your lips are clear signals. If he smiles at you, wiggles his eyebrows, or crooks his finger, go over to him and stand just a little closer than you would during a normal conversation. Tell him your name and say, “I was standing over there thinking about kissing you” (or something more bold). It may feel scary to be so blunt, but a lot of people in bars are looking for sex. They just don't know how to initiate an encounter. So your chances for success are high. If a handsome man is not interested in you, or attracted but unavailable for some stupid reason, find out right away so you can search for someone else. Don't waste half an hour chatting up a dude who is monogamous or some such shit.

Man-to-man sexual cruising can forego any talking. Someone may let you know he is interested by fondling your chest, tweaking your nipple, sliding a hand along your butt, etc. In a crowded room or the line for the bathroom, hands and even mouths may wander. Some guys find this group grope offensive, but others enjoy being the center of so much sensual attention. If somebody's touch is rough, or if you just think he's creepy, take his hand off your body. Being very direct is the best way to get what you want. You'll soon see that this is expected of you. Loudly saying, “No!” is also okay if you are really fed up by somebody who is bugging you.

Remember that finding a good sex partner, much less a lover, requires throwing out a wide net. Most of what you catch will have to be thrown back into the sea. But you don't need a hundred guys every night. You probably just want one. So if somebody rejects you, don't get paralyzed and don't take it personally. Men can refuse sex because they are tired, in a bad mood, sad, ill, too drunk, dealing with a house full of guests, etc. Unless you get put down, deal with rejection graciously. Smile, say, “Thanks for your time,” and move on as quickly and neutrally as possible. If you aren't a sharp-tongued bitch, a hot man who says “no” one night may say “yes” on another.

Even if most bears are primarily interested in other bears, there are still a certain percentage of guys who go to that bar every weekend and wonder why nobody who is their type ever shows up there. I have confidence in your ability to learn how to get what and who you want.