Cinnamon Bear

Friday, January 19, 2007

Question

I have a partner who is new to toys, anal, and fantasy play. We've been together for three years. We are in our forties and she's never been married, had children, or been overly adventurous. I, on the other hand, am 48, been married twice and have children (who don't live with me). I would like to engage her in some of my interests. These include fantasy play, golden showers (to which she's been receptive), anal penetration, and whatever turns her on. The problem is, she is not very vociferous about her wants, fantasies, etc. But she is a good sport. I want so much to bring her pleasure and play with her. I have no desire to find someone else. I just want her to speak up. How can I do that? She means the world to me, and I want to spice up our sex life. I have no problem suggesting things to do. It's just that she has this moral barrier to overcome because I sense the willingness to experiment within her. Can you help?

Answer

Isn't patriarchy a drag? We live in such a stupid and mean society, where adult women can look at their partners and honestly say they don't know what they want. I feel so bad for your partner, and empathize with you as well. She is probably telling you the truth. If she was never exposed to porn, never talked about sex with her peers, and never experimented with different people, how is she to know?Most men who enjoy golden showers (play with urine) would think they had hit the jackpot if they found a woman who was willing to come along for the ride. They wouldn't ask for anything else. I want to give you permission to really enjoy her acceptance and participation. I don't think anybody can fake enjoying this fetish.

But I also hear that you would feel like a bad lover if you didn't give her equal time. You want to let her do the driving once in a while. You want to be sure she is getting her needs met. and you would also appreciate the extra stimulation or titillation of hearing her fantasies. You already know all about your own! Some women just don't seem to excite themselves by telling themselves erotic stories about specific events or fictional characters. They might get excited by music, touch, the smell of a partner's clean body, or the knowledge that he is aroused.

Continue to gently expose your partner to different possibilities. In this relationship, you have been cast in the role of a tutor. Bring home some erotic films and books or magazines for her to enjoy. Ask her to point out what she does and doesn't like about them. Read some non-fiction books about sex together. As she gains more experience, she may find her own power and begin to take more control or initiative. That would be great, wouldn't it? Much as our society encourages women to be docile, I think most men who are good lovers are just dying to hear from her side of the bed.

I am curious about the "moral barrier" that you mention. If she was raised in a conservative religious tradition, her training to think of sex as something dirty that nice girls don't do could run pretty deep. She may even have some unconscious fear about going to hell for the things she does with you. It's often important for us to acknowledge the damage that religion can do to our sexuality and body image. Sometimes it's helpful to find an alternative spiritual path that blesses and validates your sexuality and teaches love rather than hatred of the body.

Sounds like she has a submissive personality, too. But being a good submissive doesn't mean you just sit still and let the top do all of the work. So if you do some role-playing, I would suggest a game of "You Don't Get It Till You Ask." The person is led into the room with a variety of toys and some cards that say things like "oral sex" or "foot massage." But she can't have any of those things until she asks for it out loud. This game is usually good for some blushing, giggles, and heartfelt confessions. Making an erotic game out of receiving her confession is potentially quite loaded, but could also get things moving along.