Cold Feet

Friday, March 09, 2007

Question

My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for a couple of years now. He's not-so-secretly selling off his possessions to buy me a wedding ring (despite the fact that I have repeatedly told him that it's not important to me). I've never really had strong doubts about him before, but now I feel like they're exploding Fourth of July style.

The problem is that our sex life is ho-hum, well, for me anyway. He thinks it's [expletives deleted] fabulous. Neither of us are inexperienced by any means (about 50 partners each), but I feel like I'm having sex with a virgin! He is so clueless. He seems to secretly think that it's my problem, that he somehow stumbled upon a freak of nature. But I honestly think this is a case of 49 fakers and then me, or 49 women whose clitorises were attached to the outside of the labia and then me.

I have talked to him ENDLESSLY about this, given him instruction, shown him how I masturbate, talked about my fantasies, talked about our past experiences that have been better than others and why. His response is that I am trying to turn him into my own personal sex toy, or that I'm "obsessed." Or he turns it into a joke. Our mutual sense of humor is an important part of our relationship, but laughter doesn't exactly give me mind-blowing orgasms.

I know my body very well, and I just want to share that with him. I understand that sex with a woman who knows what she wants can be a wakeup call for many men. But I don't know what else to do aside from getting a huge flashing neon sign that says, "THIS IS MY CLITORIS. TOUCH, LICK, BLOW, RUB, ETC. HERE!" I'm at a loss. He really does want to make me happy sexually, but I appear to be incapable of communicating what I want in a way that doesn't leave him feeling inadequate and way too normal to be my boyfriend. Please help. I do want to marry this man, but a lifetime of bad sex seems a dear price to pay for love.

Answer

I too have some serious qualms about this pending marriage. Your man seems to have a picture of what a good relationship should look like. He ignores your individual differences or preferences and proceeds to try to make you fit into that image. A good example of this is the wedding ring. You've said you don't care, but he is chugging along like the Little Engine That Could, to bring you a traditional token of matrimony—an expensive token which you won't particularly enjoy wearing.

This behavior has clearly affected your sex life. But I wonder if you would find other examples if you look at the rest of the relationship. Are there other areas where he puts you down because you want something that isn't on his list of shoulds? This isn't good for your self-esteem, and in fact it's emotionally abusive. When you say he feels "too normal" to be your boyfriend, it sets my teeth on edge. Why should you be labeled as deviant, abnormal, or pathological in any way because you want clitoral stimulation and good orgasms?

Let me turn this situation on its head so we can get another perspective. How long would a man stay with a woman who ignored his penis? What if she laughed at him for telling her how he wanted his penis to be stimulated? If she told him that he was just trying to turn her into his own little sex toy, how long would a man continue to seek out her company?

The clitoris and penis develop from the same fetal tissue. They are equally important to a woman and man's sexual pleasure. The problem is not your communication, Cold Feet. You have communicated until your voice is literally lost, blocked by his indifference. Stop blaming yourself for his blatant misbehavior . You don't deserve to be treated this way. I see big flashing red lights that say car crash ahead. If you also see these warning signs, perhaps you should take another path. With another passenger.