Condom Shock

Friday, January 26, 2007

Question

Have you ever heard of a gay man faking an orgasm? I was taking out the trash in the bedroom and accidentally saw that the condom we had used the night before didn't contain its usual load of cum. I got suspicious and started keeping track. My boyfriend acts really enthusiastic when he fucks me. We have got our timing together and often have simultaneous orgasms. But in any given week I find one or two empty condoms. Anal sex is our primary form of lovemaking. I have always been a bottom, and he knew this when we got serious about our relationship. I thought he was enjoying himself as much as I was, but now I doubt it. The last time we had sex I started to get tense but I couldn't tell him why I wasn't able to relax and enjoy his hard cock. If he isn't coming inside of me, when or how is he coming? Is he saving his spunk for somebody else? (We are monogamous. Or so I thought. Maybe I am wrong about that too.) Does he even find me attractive? I have all kinds of doubts and ugly thoughts. This may be the end of my relationship. But we have so much going for us. Can you see a way out of this? I have ...

Answer

It's rare for a man to fake an orgasm. It's just more difficult for guys than women since ejaculation is difficult to produce as a computer-generated special effect in the bedroom. All a woman has to do is yell a little, breathe hard and fast, grab her partner hard enough to hurt, and make the "big O" face with her mouth wide open. She can get up and go pee, but her male counterpart is left with the problem of how to make his erection disappear while his balls ache like they just got the flu.

I've only heard of men faking orgasm under a few specific conditions. One was a hustler who pretended to come while fucking some of his clients so he could last longer and do more tricks. He was only able to come once or twice in one day, but had the energy to see three or four clients. So he did what your partner did—shoved his dick up their butts, fucked away, made a lot of noise, but held back his seed. And doubled his income.

Men have also faked orgasm if they were worried about birth control. Maybe the girlfriend or wife wants a baby, but he doesn't. Sometimes it's withheld out of hostility. A divorce would be less painful, don't you think? Or the orgasm is withheld so it can be given to a more desirable target, like a lover on the side.

Since HIV entered the picture, however, anal sex and ejaculation have gotten a lot more complicated for gay men. I've heard HIV-positive men say they won't put their cocks inside of a man who is HIV-negative, even with a condom. Some men find they are having trouble getting it up even if they are looking at a luscious pair of buns that yearn to be plundered. Their bodies refuse to participate in anal sex. Or they can fuck, but they can't come—even if they know they are HIV-negative. If your boyfriend has cheated on you and doesn't know his HIV status, he may feel that he has to continue to make love, but he hopes that not coming inside of you will somehow protect you if he caught anything. This is, of course, not a good way to prevent the spread of HIV or hepatitis. But we've heard the message that anal sex puts people at most risk of catching the AIDS virus so many times that it's gotten harder and harder to enjoy this activity.

I can't tell you what is going on with your boyfriend. But I can tell you to confront him about this. You need to know what is going on. No matter what his story is, I would insist that you both start using condoms until the two of you can go get tested for STDs. Even if he hasn't been running around, you should see the facts on paper before you trust him again.

If he's having trouble coming, of course you want to be sympathetic and see if there is anything you can do to help him. Listen to his anxiety, if that's the problem. There's nothing wrong with him fucking you until you come, then you can use some other technique to get him off. I know most of us just want to fall asleep as soon as we shoot, but offering your husband a blowjob before you pass out is one of the hazards of commitment. If the two of you can't get him over this issue by talking about it at home, maybe he needs to see a counselor. Everybody's head gets messed up now and then, especially about sex in an age when a body that looks good, tastes good, and feels amazing can kill you more dead than a zombie.

There's one more possible explanation, but it's pretty unlikely and rare. Your boyfriend could be having what's known as a retrograde ejaculation. When this happens, the body somehow forces semen into the bladder rather than expelling it the normal way. Some men enjoy this as much or more than the regular kind of ejaculation; others find it annoying. Again, this can happen as a response to anxiety about leaving his burning nectar of passion in your body. Or this may simply be the way his body has always worked. Sometimes he looks like a fountain of jizz; other times he's giving his sperm a golden shower. He may not even know it's happening. But if he sometimes pisses out come, that's a good clue.