Confused

Friday, January 21, 2011

Question

I am a butch bottom leather dyke who got involved with a local title holder who is supposed to be a Leather Mommy. She is just the kind of curvy, slightly older femme who makes me want to climb into her lap and get cuddled and bossed around. We went out and played a couple of times, but now she is saying that she “gets daddy energy from me” and wants me to top her. I enjoy fucking the daylights out of her after she has topped me, but that is about as much top energy as I possess. What can I do? My dream Mommy is turning into Daddy's little girl.

Answer

Many a top should probably call herself or himself a switch. The pleasures of bottoming are a lot more direct than the pleasures of topping. Sadly, our culture has so much shame about sex that even leatherfolk can perceive a need for virtually any form of pleasure as a bottom experience. I can understand your confusion, however, when you went to all the trouble of courting your ideal Mommy only to find out that she wants a Daddy of her own.

Get some more information from her about what she wants or expects from “her” top. She might not want a hell of a lot more than a guarantee that after she cuddles and bosses you, she'll get as many fingers as she can handle between her creamy thighs. If she wants something more elaborate that is beyond your interest, the only option you have is to be very honest and blunt with her. Don't volunteer to do more than you want to do. I'm encouraging this frankness in part because this woman turned the tables on you. After taking you on as a submissive member of her fantasy family, she told you what kind of “energy” she got from you—in effect denying your own self-knowledge and self-label! This is pretty outrageous conduct. It's crazy making to be denied and mislabeled this way.

On the other hand, I have to say that many a good top was trained or encouraged to take up their ropes and whips because an experienced bottom showed them how to proceed. This can be a lovely way to learn what motivates tops to acquire all of their toys and cart them to a party. (Of course, some of the toys will be carrying the rest of the toys.) If you've ever been curious about topping, this might be one way to get your toe in the door. But I'm really concerned that you could simply resent a situation like that. You didn't ask her for a relationship that would involve switching. What will happen to your trust in her and your own gratification if she restricts your access to being a daddy? I don't see how this could make her happy either. Someone who reluctantly goes through the motions without feeling genuine excitement as they play isn't going to be a very good partner.

To sum things up, you do indeed have a bossy, curvacious, slightly older femme on your hands. But she's a bossy bottom, not a bossy Mommy. Oh dear. What was our first clue?

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