Confused, Worried, and Freaked Out

Friday, December 15, 2006


I've somehow experienced a sea-change in my sexuality—in what turns me on. I wish it were some great revelation or a resolution of a long-held tension, but it seems to have little purpose, and it's beginning to really bother me.

I've become obsessed with cock. I fantasize about having one constantly. I'm a bisexual woman, by the way, in my late 20s, and I've never had any gender identity issues that I'm aware of. When I come that way, it feels different, physically different, and so much more satisfying. Either I have he world's worst case of penis envy, or something about this idea is so compelling, it's trying to ruin my sex life. I'm no longer interested in sex with women, and I don't have the equipment to fuck the gay men I want to fuck. I've mostly been a bottom as a woman, definitely in my fantasy life, but suddenly all that interests me is being a gay top. At the same time, though, I really like my body and my identity as a woman, and I have no desire to transition. I'm confused and I'm worried and I'm freaked out


I'm not sure what you mean when you say, "When I come that way, it feels different, physically different, and so much more satisfying." Are you talking about coming while you are fantasizing about having a cock, or are you actually using a dildo as a prop, rubbing the base against your pubic area while you have sex or masturbate? (Or both, perhaps.) It could be that your "problem" is nothing more than a successful response to a new and therefore novel and hot fantasy. Because you have no gender issues, you have become obsessed with what this fantasy means and why you have it. It's making you melancholy instead of lustful and content. It's actually pretty normal for a sea-change in one's fantasy life to come along occasionally. That's a good thing. The same old stories and characters can become threadbare after constant use. Give them a rest while you work up a sweat with some other imaginary milieu, and those old, familiar fantasies will probably get a nice rest and then acquire more potency.

I don't want to ignore your statement that you've lost all interest in having sex with women, and all you want to do is have sex with gay men. Many women enjoy fantasizing about two men having sex with each other. It's a popular theme in Japanese pornography and slash fiction. What's going on in your relationships with women? Do you feel that man-to-man sex offers a refreshing alternative to whatever frustrates you about being with another woman? If so, your new focus makes more sense.

I think that all intelligent men and women wonder at some point what it is like to occupy the body of the opposite sex. One of the sad things about being a human being is the division of our species into these two categories. Most cultures work harder at emphasizing the differences between the sexes rather than their commonality. This gives each an attractive mystique, but it also leaves some of us feeling as if we can't be fully human unless we know what goes on in a body that is radically different than our own.

Yet in a way, we do know. Women can get fucked, men can get fucked. Men can penetrate, women can penetrate. At one point in fetal development, the genitals of both male and female embryos are identical. The outer and inner lips, vagina, and clitoris develop from the same tissue that becomes a penis, scrotum, and testicles in a fetus with xy chromosomes. Both sexes have contractions during orgasm to the same tempo and rhythm.

You don't have to be gender dysphoric to wish you could step out of the box of your own body and try something completely new. Gay male culture has a sexually open attitude that seems quite tempting from the outside. (Inside, too.) But I wouldn't assume that you are forbidden from ever experiencing it. There are men who like to get fucked by women wearing strap-ons or using their hands. (There are also butch female bottoms who love to enact fantasies about being a pair of men together.) Get your bad self together, put out some ads, and see if the reality equals your fantasies.

Finally—and I'm not saying this to piss you off or invalidate what you have to say—gender issues don't always progress in the traditional way. Most transgendered people say they always felt different, and knew even as children that they could not function in the sex that was assigned to them at birth. But there is more than one kind of gender dysphoria. Sometimes issues with gender identity can be successfully repressed until they explode to the surface later in life. You don't have to hate the body you were born into to be a transsexual. (But you do have to want the secondary sex characteristics of the other gender to be part of your physiology.)

The important question is, do you want to be a woman with a cock who is able to fuck gay men, or do you want to be a gay man having sex with other gay men?

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