Cunt and Brain Teaching

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Question

Response to Hurt Me Please!

Answer

I wanted to take a moment to respond to “Hurt Me Please!!!” I found your advice about how he needs to better communicate what he likes to his future partners sincere and to the point. Good job.

I want to add that I see men like him quite a bit in my travels and teaching career. While the past 15 to 20 years have been great for women’s studies and LGBT resources, straight men’s sexuality – their drives, motives and desires – has consistently been pushed to the side or, worse, dismissed as unimportant. Submissive men have borne the brunt of this in their lives, which is one of the reasons they’re hesitant to tell their partners their deepest desires. They fear being misunderstood or shamed into silence, with no road map to help them find a voice.

This is not to detract in any way from the accomplishments of Andrea Zanin, but steering a hetero submissive male to look for advice from a queer poly-feminist who’s studying the Canadian leather dyke community is sort of akin to asking a plumber to fix your bicycle.

Men come with their own specific emotional and physical needs, which are better addressed by people and resources more accustomed to dealing with them. As luck would have it, in Toronto there is a wonderful gay/straight sex education lecture series oriented to men and their partners (So You Wanna Be Kinky? at 2bkinky.com). Group members volunteer to do education at the MLT/Toronto Leather Pride weekend.

I have done some presentations for the series over the past four years and find the people fun and delightful. The org is very well educated in men’s needs and in helping them find the voice for their desires.

Also, a lot of great play parties and social events catering to the BDSM crowd around Toronto welcome well-​behaved and respectful submissive men.

Northbound Leather runs a monthly party downtown, as does SubSpace, and organizers are very warm and welcoming of newbies coming out to just “observe and learn” at first. Organizers spell out the rules of how to conduct yourself in a respectful manner with other patrons and any other rules of the event.

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