Dead Batteries

Friday, October 08, 2010

Question

I've been with a few guys and I haven't had an orgasm. So I tried by myself. No luck. I've tried two different vibrators, and I still can't get off. Am I doing something wrong, or am I just broken? I can't stand this. I can never feel satisfied!!! Please help. You are sort of my last resort.

Answer

It couldn't hurt to find a decent gynecologist and get a checkup. Make sure your body is in good working order. Check your hormone levels. You don't say how old you are, so I don't know if menopause could be an issue. That often affects desire and the ability to have an orgasm. Many anti-depressants or other medications can make climaxing more difficult.

The best book that I know regarding how to have your first orgasm is in Lonnie Barbach's book For Yourself: The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality. For more vulva-positive information, read Betty Dodson's Sex For One: The Joy of Self-Loving.

Put some time aside when you can be safely alone and quiet. Turn off the phone. A vibrator may not be a good choice if you are having trouble staying in your body and focusing on sensations. Don't try so hard to have only one feeling, an orgasm. Use your hands to touch yourself all over. A nice lotion or massage oil could be helpful. See what speed or pressure feels good to various parts of your body. When you find a place that has sexual potential, devote a little more attention to that area. Know that you can come back to it later. See what it's like to feel tension building in your legs and stomach. Then stop and let the tension fade. Build it up again. Instill a sense of how you can create and then control pleasurable energy that can be stored in your body.

Get a mirror and take a look at your genitals. As you are masturbating, check in again to see what happens. A vibrator may not be a good choice if you are having trouble staying in your body and focusing on sensations. With your hands and a mirror, you can keep more in touch with the subtle changes that unfold.

See what the difference is between touching your genitals with your hand, with or without a lubricant. (Make sure you pick a lube that won't cause irritation.) Don't just go after your clitoris. The glans of the clitoris is just one tiny part of it. There are tissues under the surface that also respond to stimulation. See how all of you reacts to pressure, tickling, stroking, etc. Tease yourself. This will build desire up then release it in small amounts. When you are not doing the self-pleasuring exercise, build up strength in your pubococcygeus muscle. This is the muscle that runs like a sling from the pubic bone and then back to the pelvis. It  controls the vaginal and anal orifices. You can flex it by stopping the flow of urine. Once you identify the PC muscle, you can do various fun things with it. Contract it as rapidly as you can. Contract it once, as hard as you can. This builds strength in the muscles that make orgasm possible.

Continue to practice for 45 minutes to an hour, daily or once a week. Pick your own frequency. Build up tension then let it subside. Build it up again. Eventually you will surprise yourself with an orgasm. The first one may be sort of weak. But give yourself praise and rewards for doing all the ground work to make it happen. Once your  body forges ahead into sexual release, she will know the way. The next orgasms should get progressively stronger.

If working with yourself doesn't do the trick, seek out a licensed sex therapist. Make sure that person has good professional boundaries and received decent training. Sometimes it takes the accountability that is present in a therapeutic relationship to find effective ways to enjoy sex and feel satisfied.