Doggy Style

Friday, March 02, 2007

Question

I really love rear-entry sex. It's an exciting position for me because I feel like I can get inside my partner more deeply and really fill her up. I love holding on to her hips and moving her body on my cock. But my current girlfriend dislikes this position a lot, and will only agree to it on rare occasions (like my birthday). She says it makes her feel too far away from me because there is no face-to-face contact. I got kind of pissed off when she said this because I talk to her a lot during sex about how much I love her. This is at her request. When she asks for something sexually, it's non-negotiable. She has to have it. But my requests are viewed with suspicion and analyzed politically, which makes me feel about one inch tall. I'm not trying to "objectify" her or "treat her like an animal," which are accusations she made when we argued about this.

Is there any way that I can help her to feel emotionally connected to me if she is on all fours in front of me and I am behind her with my cock inside of her? I do love her, there's nobody like her, and I know she's the one for me. But damn, sometimes a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.

Answer

There are actually several questions floating through the troubled sea of your e-mail, making mournful sounds like little baby whales that have lost their mamas. (Am I watching too much of the Discovery Channel, perhaps?)

One way to approach this is to ask her to list all of the ways that you can express love for her during sex. Sounds like verbals are pretty important to this diva. But also ask her about the quality of your touch. Does the way that you touch her also convey your feelings? I would certainly hope so. One way to try this out is to blindfold her and then make love with her, to see if the quality of your touch and your voice are enough to help her feel emotionally sustained while you are joined together. If she won't make that experiment, or won't even consider finding a compromise here, you're out of luck—I don't have a magic potion to change the nature of her desire or her limits.

If compromise is possible, remind her that fucking doggy style is only one of the activities that will take place when the two of you have sex. I'm assuming there will be a lot of touching, some kissing, oral sex, and possibly a couple of different positions for intercourse, with perhaps some extra attention for her clitoris after you come. (A lot of women get so excited by their partner's climax that they want to come again, just at the moment when you most want to curl up and fall asleep in a limp moist pile of satisfaction.) Would she be willing to try this position knowing that it's only one part of the action, and that she'll soon be able to see your face? Yet another option is to put a mirror at the top of the bed, positioned so that she can see your face while you do her doggy style.

Ask her if she's had bad experiences with this position in the past. Because rear entry does make deeper penetration possible, some women find it painful rather than do-it-to-me-harder-daddy. Reassure her, if necessary, that you want her feedback. You don't want fucking to hurt her. You can go slow, use a little extra lube, and give her your cock just one inch at a time, until you reach her maximum capacity. Then put your fist around the base of your dick and don't go in any deeper than she can take it.

Another concern some women have is the vulnerability of having someone look down and see your asshole. She could be worried about cleanliness or just self-conscious about revealing this vulnerable and put-down part of her body. The angle of a hard cock during rear-entry sex can stimulate nerve endings in the bowel, and she will get pelvic pressure against the anal area from your hips. If she dislikes anal sex, these sensations could distract her from the building excitement of vaginal intercourse. If she has hemorrhoids or an irritable digestive tract, she could experience some pain or gas, respectively. Are the two of you comfortable farting around one another? This just sometimes happens during sex, and if you don't have a sense of humor and acceptance about it, that "natural gas" can ruin your tryst. But she can identify the foods that are problematic, avoid them, and take supplements to eliminate gas. That may take care of these issues.

The larger problem here seems to be a lack of equality in your bedroom. Of course we want women to be empowered to seek out their own pleasure. Her genuine excitement and satisfaction are a wonderful part of a night of erotic entertainment and intimacy. But I agree with you that this process of building up the woman's gratification has sometimes left guys in a one-down position. If she wants to be tied up or spanked, wow, that's her right as a sex-positive feminist, so you better read a book by Jay Weisman or Race Bannon and figure out how to do it right. But if you want to tie her up and spank her, you have a good chance of being seen as an exploiter or a perpetrator of abuse.

This imbalance can even apply to vanilla sex, a flavor enjoyed by many if not most people because it is so appealing and elegant. But trying to talk about this stuff can be hard, because we are living in a culture where men do have more power than women, overall. She's the superstar of your universe, that's clear, and I hope she knows that and has given you top billing. Feminism encourages men to get in touch with their feelings. That's fine—but sometimes men in touch with their feelings will say things that the woman or women in question won't like. It's hard to look at the relationship apart from that larger world and say to each other, "Is our dynamic with one another fair? Do we treasure and trust one another? Is each of us willing to give as well as get?" But these kind of checkups are vital to maintain the health of the relationship and the heat.