Double-Wrapped and Hating It

Friday, August 06, 2010

Question

I've been dating the same girl for six months. There's nobody else in my life. I just want to focus on her and seeing what we can build together. But she is still insisting that I use condoms. Not only that -- she wants me to use two of them! She says she is afraid the condom will break. I've never had that happen. But she is on birth control. So what is the worst thing that could happen, even if a condom did break? I am starting to wonder if there is something about her own health that she is not telling me. I don't know how I would feel about being with somebody who had herpes, hepatitis, or AIDS, but I do know that I am not at all happy about being with somebody who could keep such a big secret for so long.

I'm a grownup, and I can enjoy sex despite using one condom. But with two of them, I lose too much sensation. I can't keep my focus, I lose my erection, and there's no way I am going to be able to have an orgasm. We often wind up just getting each other off with our hands. I enjoy the occasional handjob, but to my mind, it isn't the real deal. Any comments/advice would be welcome.

Answer

Have you tried just asking her why she feels that two condoms are mandatory? Ask her if they has had an experience in the past when the condom broke. I wonder if there's not some trauma lurking in her life that she is reluctant to share. But if she could talk to you about an unwanted pregnancy or a scare about catching some STD from a partner, she might be able to relax a bit with you. Is there any reason that she would be afraid to tell you about an abortion, or about a time when she had to take prophylactic medications to prevent catching HIV?

Have the two of you gone for complete testing? If your medical professionals say you are both healthy, you can't give each other anything, provided you continue to be monogamous. Here, too, she may be keeping negative experiences with an unfaithful partner to herself. Or maybe she has a history of cheating and feels that she can't trust herself to be faithful and protect you from harm.

Has she done anything else to make you feel that she isn't an honest person? I suggest that you each be present when your doctors disclose the results of the STD tests. You need to hear from her doctor that she isn't hiding a communicable illness. It's a sad thing to know that nowadays we sometimes can't trust each other.

Does she like sexual intercourse? Some women find it painful and don't want to tell their partner for fear he'll be upset. If this is the problem, there are things to do that can help you to figure out why she is having pain, and possibly fix it. Do you have a really big cock, or are the two of you having rough sex? Either one of these things could make her afraid of a condom accident. But if she can't tell you the truth, there's no movement possible.

Your truth, at any rate, is that a double condom is interfering with your wood. I don't blame you. One condom is hard enough to get used to, I think. So tell her that something has to change. Don't put up with the status quo until you get so fucked up that this will interfere with your sex life with your next girlfriend. I know that right now, you don't want to think that way, but this is not a viable relationship unless she opens up, gives you some more information, and negotiates. If she wants to keep on having safer sex, well, okay, but the standards for safety could be more reasonable on her part.

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