Doubtful About Oral

Friday, December 09, 2005

Question

My boyfriend wants to eat my pussy. He says that all of his other girlfriends have liked this a lot, and he's really good at it. He's not like the other two guys I have been with, who mostly thought about their own orgasms. He wants to pleasure me and says that oral sex is the best kind of clitoral stimulation. I don't even like to touch myself down there so I can't imagine anybody sticking their face in my crotch and not being disgusted. But I really like sucking his cock. He asks why I can't believe that he would enjoy doing the same thing for me, and I guess this is only fair. But I feel so upset about this. Is there any way to make this easier?

Answer

Every woman alive has heard all of the shitty things that our sneering misogynist culture has to say about cunts. The dick is glorified as a shining phallus of pure gold while pussies are derided for allegedly being dirty, icky to look at, and stinky.

Well, none of that is true. Anybody's sexual apparatus, regardless of gender, is aesthetically unappealing if it's unwashed. After eight hours of being trapped in somebody's shorts, your average penis and balls are appealing only to species such as dogs, who love to roll in carrion. Illness can also contribute to a permanently stinky crotch, such as the yeast infection known as jock itch. I'm assuming that you get an annual pelvic exam and Pap smear. If you don't, visit your doctor and ask to be tested for the usual range of vaginal infections. If you are free of chlamydia, bacteria, yeast, or trichomoniasis, the only thing you need to have a sweet-smelling pussy is a nice hot shower with a judiciously applied washcloth or handheld water massager. A hormonal imbalance can also create a strong and unpleasant genital odor, but these are pretty rare.

Having said that, I'll also add that there are several things that women can do to make their parts pretty. Don't use a harsh chemical douche or spray yourself with perfume. And don't apply chocolate sauce unless it's sugar-free. Sugar encourages an overgrowth of yeast on the skin or in the vagina. There are some flavored products that are safe to use on genitals; check this website for more information [try looking in the online catalogue under "sensual stuff" or "safer sex and lube" —Ed.].

A simple douche of warm water with a teaspoon of white vinegar can be a nice way to feel fresher. However, you shouldn't do this more than once a week or so; it can wash away the normal organisms that prevent yeast infections. Pubic hair can trap sweat and other secretions, and keeping it trimmed short is fashionable right now anyway. You can do this fairly easily with a hand mirror and a battery-operated beard trimmer. (Don't use electrical appliances in the bathtub or shower, please.)

You also need to desensitize yourself to the way that female sex organs look and feel. Joani Blank's book Femalia is definitely worth perusal. It contains many beautiful photographs of women's parts. It's amazing how many variations there are in the size or position of the clitoris, labia, urethral opening, vaginal opening, and outer lips. And they are all sexy. You might find this book difficult to look at when you first open it, but that's just because of censorship. It's outrageous that so many adult women have no idea what their own or other women's genitals look like. So get a mirror and take a peek at your own equipment. Look every day. Keep looking until you are able to feel that this is just as normal as looking at your face or your butt.

Masturbating to orgasm is another good way to make friends with that little lady between your thighs. Touch yourself until you get wet, and taste your own lubrication. It's just going to be a pretty neutral, slick fluid with a little taste of saltiness and sex. If you like the way your boyfriend's cock, precome, and ejaculate taste, there's no way a little cunt juice should offend you. Women usually have a much milder flavor than men. The higher level of testosterone in men's bodies makes them more prone to stench.

Another thing that would help is for you to practice relaxation techniques while your boyfriend is gently exploring you with his tongue. Breathe slowly and deeply. Focus on relaxing all of your muscles, starting at the top of your head and working your way down. Don't give in to negative self-talk that tells you this is a bad thing to do, for any reason. It's okay to let him focus on you. If he does anything that hurts, you should definitely let him know. And if he's as good at cunnilingus as he claims, he will already know that the clitoris is very sensitive, so an indirect touch is often the most effective. Very few women like hard pressure on the glans or head of the clit, and sucking on a woman's clitoris is usually more annoying than arousing.

Remember that it often takes more than one attempt to be able to achieve orgasm with a new sex technique. On your first try, you should feel successful if you simply feel some pleasant sensations and feel closer to your partner.

I'm suspecting that a larger issue here is the fact that you simply don't have orgasms during sex. But you didn't say so in your letter. So I'll wait to hear from you again, just in case. In the meantime, build some pride in your own body, increase trust with your partner, and give oral sex a fair try before you cross it off your list forever.