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Friday, April 28, 2006

Question

I have a wonderful and loving relationship with my boyfriend. I'm very happy with our sex life, but I have always felt really self-conscious when giving blowjobs. I'd really like to get past this with him and make the experience better for both of us.

Answer

Isn't life unfair? It's so difficult to figure out what to do with the sexual equipment of the opposite sex. Men often have trouble even finding the clitoris, much less being able to intuit what she wants, and women often flinch from that big hard thing that always wants to poke.

Here are some helpful household hints for hellacious, roof-raising blow jobs.

First, oral sex is a lot more pleasant when both parties are clean. Take a shower beforehand, or take a washcloth to his sausage and meatballs.

Second, take your time. Rather than lunging at him to immediately deep-throat his throbbing man-meat, you want to sniff around, kiss him, use your hand to jerk him off. Play with his balls. Pinch his nipples. Feed him a little bit of your clit while he's on his back, or make him suck your nipples. That'll get him in the frame of mind to start fantasizing about what your mouth is going to feel like on his cock.

Some women like to have their lover play with their hair or hold their head while they suck him. But most do not like to be held in place while he fucks her face. If he doesn't already know this, ask him to keep his hands to himself for a while. If he can't, well, where is your silk scarf or leftover clothesline?

Most nerve endings are in the head of the cock. The piss-slit is usually quite sensitive, and so is that little fold of tissue under the head. Uncircumcised men experience a wash of sensations as the foreskin is stretched when the cock erects and lengthens. The foreskin itself is sensitive, and he may enjoy having it nibbled or feeling your tongue slip underneath it. (Remember, I told you to make him wash it off first!)

Whatever part of his cock you can't get in your mouth can still be stimulated with your hand. Wrap your hand around the base of his cock to prevent yourself from being choked. Take a breath in, slide your mouth down his cock, then exhale as you slide it out. Vary the pressure. Use your tongue. Tease him. See how far the cock can go into your throat before your gag reflex is triggered. Then put some lotion in your hand, preferably the stuff he uses to jack off, and give him some wrist action while you suck the part of his cock that doesn't trouble you.

To be honest with you, it's pretty much impossible to deep throat somebody without choking. Some people actually enjoy this sensation. Tears run down your face and you cough up some mucous that makes his dick more slippery. There's a masochistic component to this, I'm sure, but I'm the wrong person to see anything wrong with that. Frenzied sex is hard work. It involves a lot of body secretions—sweat, semen, your wetness, spit, phlegm, sometimes even blood. People bathe one another in their bodies' most useful products. We slip, we slide, we swear and get worn down and somehow find some energy to keep on going. It's about making the other person curl their toes and scream like they've seen heaven and hell both, all at once.

If you want to strive for that sort of skill, you just have to practice. The gag reflex can eventually calm down. Breathing in as you take his cock in will help. Sucking dick on a full stomach is a bad idea. Don't be too quick to make him come. Female sexuality tends to be about coming as many times as possible; men usually want to wait as long as possible to get off, because they can't immediately get it up and come again after they ejaculate. In addition to practicing on his cock, you can use a soft dildo like the cyberskin models to stimulate your throat when you masturbate. Lay on your back and let your head fall over the edge of the bed. That will open your throat. When you are blowing him, experiment with different angles of approach to see what feels most comfortable.

And remember that he won't really be able to tell the difference between your mouth and your hand. Get him to jerk off in front of you so you can see how he touches his own cock. Try to duplicate those motions when you are blowing him and giving him a hand job all together. Be sure to use enough pressure; the shaft of the cock is most responsive to the feeling of being squeezed. And don't ignore his balls. Grabbing him at the base of his scrotum and hanging on to those little boys will keep him from being able to come. He'll be screaming your name and promising you everything you ever wanted if you'll just let those suckers go so they can climb up to the root of his dick and empty themselves.

Don't be afraid to be a wanton, cock hungry, wild girl. Allow the transformation from calm, normal you to this crazed sex fiend to happen gradually. Don't judge or criticize yourself while you are sucking him. Just let such thoughts go, and bring your focus back to the present, to your body and his body. Enjoy him. Really savor the taste of him, the look on his face, the shape of his dick, the force with which he wants you. Conveying your desire is at least half of the delight.

Men don't often get to lay back and get done. They like blowjobs in part because it is a culturally sanctioned opportunity to be sexually passive. You can work this dynamic or not. Whatever turns you on. I do appreciate the paradox between being penetrated orally while, in a fashion, dominating and ruling over his passions and his sensations.

Be patient with yourself. You'll do just fine.