Elicit Feelings

Thursday, July 21, 2011


I have a couple of questions:

How can I convince my new fiancée to perform oral sex on me. She was raped when she was younger and is afraid it might bring back old memories.

I also wanted to ask how I can prevent early ejaculation. I was always able to control myself, but now, with my new partner, it just feels great and I can’t control myself. Awaiting your kind reply.


Well, you will be waiting for some time, my friend, because there is no kindness involved in convincing someone to do something that may prompt feelings of a time when they were forcibly deprived of their dignity and human rights.

Here’s what you’re going to do, John: You are going to do everything you can to apprise yourself of what it’s like to be the survivor of rape and sexual abuse. You are going to support your fiancée in her sexual explorations by making sure she feels listened to, safe and in control. You are going to be kind and respectful. You are going to ask her questions about how she’d like to explore sex and whether she’d like to attend therapy sessions with you or on her own. And you are going to do this all without looking at your watch and saying, “It’s been a year since we’ve been doing this and you still haven’t made any progress.”

People who have been sexually abused have had a core birthright (pleasure) tampered with on a very serious level. Asking them to ignore this or fast-track their healing for your satisfaction is not only foolish – it is cruel.

I will be happy to help you with resources on premature ejaculation once you’ve delved a little deeper into your first query.

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