Fag-bashed by a Straight Girl

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Question

I am a gay guy. I was having a drink with a girlfriend a few months ago, and we got on to the topic of sex. I told her about a lot of my feelings about sex, things that other people often judge, like the validity of nonmonogamy and the fact that I have had sex with most of my close friends. She totally agreed with me on everything. We talked about our kinks and other oddities. We were having a really good time. Half a bottle of Croatian absinthe later, we were putting our shared views on sex to the test. The sex was fantastic. We went down on each other. She used her hand to fuck me. We both got off a couple of times.

The next day, she freaked out, saying I gave her AIDS. I am negative and even took a home HIV test in front of her to prove it. After that, things just got weirder and weirder. I finally found out that this girl had been in love with me for months. She was convinced that I just hadn't met the right girl and that she could fix me. Before that night, she had even fretted over how to tell her parents that her new boyfriend, the man she would one day marry, used to be gay.

Boyfriend? Marriage? My God, this chick got me into bed by lying about not believing in those exact things! needless to say, she was totally heartbroken that I didn't turn straight, marry her, and plant my seed the very next day (as she was accusing me of infecting her with a virus I don't have). And now the general belief among our mutual friends is that I got her drunk and took advantage of her because I was confused about my sexuality.

Do gay guys have some obligation not to sleep with straight women? What should I do about all these people who essentially see me as a rapist, even though the sex was consensual and, hello, I was the one who got fucked, not her!

Answer

Sheesh. What a soap opera. Somebody who would lie to you about being nonmonogamous in order to have sex with you has very questionable ethics, and it's pretty hypocritical of your friends to not see that. It sounds to me like you are being punished for being open to sex with many different people, at several different level of intimacy. A woman who thinks that being gay is a superficial condition that can be cured by one sexual experience with a woman is not very well-informed about how deep sexual orientation goes. The woman you got it on with has emotional problems that go way beyond anything a layperson should be expected to deal with. She should be handled only by people with PhDs in psychology and MDs with really good drugs.

If she wanted a relationship, she could have found herself a nice, straight guy who believed in monogamy. It's not like there aren't a lot of them out there. It's my suspicion that she did not in fact want a relationship with you. This is somebody who stirs up a lot of discord, distress, and drama because it's much easier than actually finding somebody who is emotionally and sexually available. A person who enjoys getting this kind of attention for playing the grand, operatic victim probably doesn't have the staying power that it takes to create happiness in a day-to-day, ordinary, one-to-one relationship.

Gay men are NOT under some obligation not to sleep with women. Sexual experimentation over the course of a lifetime is normal and does not invalidate your orientation. The majority of gay men and lesbians have had heterosexual encounters at least once in their lifetimes, just as many straight men and women have experienced same-sex intimacy. Perhaps you are now a Kinsey 5.999 instead of a Kinsey 6. BFD. I don't recommend that you start calling yourself bisexual unless the behavior of this one female freak has not discouraged you from continuing to find, shall we say, blissful genital rapport with other members of her biological sex.

However, I do recommend that people who engage in any sort of erotic experimentation make sure that both they and their partners know what to expect and give informed consent. Absinthe is a poor prerequisite for the "informed" part of that equation. When new playmates tell me they are nonmonogamous, I always ask them to give me their history in regard to that lifestyle. I want to know how they decided to make nonmonogamy a policy, how that's worked (or not worked) for them in previous relationships, and what their agreements are with any current partner(s). I want to know if they ever get jealous and, if so, what triggers those feelings and how they take care of themselves when they feel that way. If somebody is really capable of a "no strings attached" encounter, they can usually give me intelligent responses to these questions.

I'm so sorry that what could have been a hot memory has instead become a bit of scar tissue on the road map of your life. Just stay calm, keep telling your friends you haven't done anything wrong, and jettison the people who seem determined to punish you when you haven't done a damn thing wrong. You probably need more new friends who would be on your side