Feeling Boring

Friday, November 05, 2010


During halftime, conversation turned to sex, and my buddy said that chicks have got dozens of ways to jerk off, but dudes have only one way to do it. For some reason, this really bothered me. But after he cited a lot of examples—vibrators, squeezing their legs together, vaginal or anal dildos, stuffed animals, the corner of a washing machine for God's sake—I was at a loss. Now I feel kind of inferior. Why does this bother me so much?


Maybe you are more bored than boring. Perhaps your buddy's comment highlighted a problem between you and your penis. If you've been wrapping your fist around your shaft and doing the same old thing ever since you hit puberty, with the same old hand lotion, well, your cock might be fed up with this predictable treatment. Is your cock feeling taken for granted?

Your friend isn't wrong. Women often do more things when they masturbate than most men do. But here's something that might strike more of a balance for you. There is a huge inequality in the sexes' knowledge of their own body and discovery of masturbation. Can you seriously imagine asking a sex educator where your cock was? Well, women do this all the time. I would estimate that about one-fourth of all women do not know about stimulating the clitoris because they are not sure where or what it is. They don't know that clitoral stimulation is almost always the source of a woman's orgasm.

If a man doesn't masturbate, it's because he has decided to abstain. It's a conscious choice. Women who don't masturbate are either hampered by ignorance of their own anatomy or fear of punishment and stigma. Little girls get punished for touching their genitals at a much higher rate than little boys. Their genitals are stereotyped as holes. If they are taught any words for their own genitals, the term "vagina" is the most common term employed. But the vagina is only one part of a complex system of sexual pleasure and reproduction. But the only sex act women are told they will experience is intercourse, and that alone is supposed to be enough to satisfy them. Would that work for you?

Imagine that you were never told that your penis had anything to do with sexual pleasure. If you ever tried to touch it or explore it, you got spanked. When you grew up, you kept your hands off it as much as possible. You were told that real sex, morally acceptable sex, psychologically mature and healthy sex consisted of getting fucked in the ass. Without a reach-around or self-stimulation. You are supposed to be able to come from that, all by itself, or you will be labeled frigid and bad in bed and sinful and a terrible partner.

This is the world that women live in.

Having made that grim little speech, I want to encourage you to diversify your solo techniques. Just as women have breasts, a clitoris, inner and outer lips, a vagina, a G spot, the perineum, and the rectum as potential erogenous zones, men have nipples, balls, etc. You don't have to focus on your penis alone when you jerk off.

 Wander through some on-line catalogues for women-owned sex shops. (You'll find better stuff on these websites and more explanations.) Any vibrator that a woman uses can also be used to stimulate the penis. But there are specialized phallic-pleasing implements, manufactured by capitalists who want Mr. Happy to be ecstatic. Vibrators can be awesome fun for guys.
Cock rings are an overlooked accessory. They allow blood to flow into the penis, but restrict it flowing out, so you get a semi-erection. Cock rings subtly alter the way it feels to stroke your dick. Just be sure to remove it before you come. Some cock rings are complicated devices that separate or compress your balls, or stretch the ball sac. This is an area that many guys ignore when they want to rub one out. If you like the way cock rings feel, you might want to buy some parachute cord at a sex shop or a hardware store, and tie up your naughty business. Some guys progress to hanging weights from their balls, stretching their foreskin, and doing other interesting and adventurous things to themselves.

Lube is another variable you can play with. Doing it dry versus oil-based lube versus water-based lube versus sexy scented powder. Some lubes have got ingredients that create a tingling sensation. Be sure to test just a little bit on your skin before applying it to your entire genital area. People perceive these things differently. A lube that just warms up one guy could make another guy feel like his dick was in a furnace. Also be aware that lube with silicone in it lasts a LONG time. When you get into the shower to rinse off, don't slip! That stuff will coat the bottom of your bathtub and create a safety hazard until you make it go away. But it is also really fun to have something slick that doesn't need to be renewed with water or another dab of juice every five minutes.

Timing is another sex aid. Slow down. Get an erection then let it go away. Get another one. Change your fantasies around. Look for fiction, pictures, drawings, DVDs that can put some new ideas into your imagination. Stimulate the opening of your urethra. Use items of different texture—rabbit fur, feathers, velvet, leather or latex. Change your position. If you jerk off when you are laying on your back, try it on your side, or with your belly against the mattress. Use both hands or a different hand. Get a piercing. (Just kidding. I think.)

Contrary to some people's dumb opinion, playing with your asshole doesn't make you gay. See if your bum enjoys a bit of stroking on the outside, or a small insertable toy. Just make sure anything you put in your bottom has a wide base. You don't want a greasy toy slipping up into your colon; you'll have to head for the emergency room to get it retrieved and create an embarrassing X-ray that will later be shown to medical personnel in training. Common sense can avoid such sensationalistic consequences. Start small and build up to a larger size, if you like. The prostate is quite sensitive, and many guys like to feel pressure on the prostate while they are pounding away. You might surprise yourself by having an orgasm without ejaculating. It is possible for men to build enough sexual tension and achieve a release of that tension without squirting. While it's pretty weird the first time it happens, it can be a bonus if you enjoy long J/O sessions. No pesky refractory period while you wait for your body to return to normal blood circulation and erectile capability.

Most of all—have fun! As boys, we learn to masturbate quickly so that we won't get caught. This leads to a pattern of solo sex that is harried and furtive. So light some candles, jerk off in the daylight, get naked and touch your whole body, celebrate the fact that you are alive. Get a mirror so you can admire your stiffie. Draw upon the wild, virile male energy that has helped to keep the human race going for millions of years.

Oh yeah—don't forget the box of Kleenex. No matter how you jerk off, you're going to need an absorbent little friend to receive the Grand Finale.