Femme Novice Dominatrix

Friday, March 03, 2006

Question

My partner of seven years has always craved a dominant/submissive relationship (with me being the Dom). Not S&M or physical pain or anything. The problem is that I really have no clue what she wants me to do! All she says is that she has a desire to worship and please me. Which is totally okay. However, in typical butch fashion, she is not very good at communicating her needs. What does she want? Do YOU know????

Answer

There are several good books about S/M technique and safety available through the Venus Envy website. Read a couple. That will give you some ideas for different fantasy scenarios. Dominating someone who isn't interested in being whipped or tied up is actually a lot more difficult than other kinds of topping. You can learn how to put a clothespin on somebody's nipple or spank them, but domination is all about psychology. And few submissives really want to do anything the top desires; they have certain activities they find erotic and others they do not. By refusing to give you any details, she's set you up to fail. This is especially unfair given your lack of experience.

I'm scratching my head to come up with a way for you to get some helpful clues to this great mystery. If your lover has any experience with dominant/submissive relationships, ask her to tell you what she enjoyed or didn't enjoy about those. Talking about the past may be more comfortable for her than describing her needs in the present. Your first assignment for her could be to write a few paragraphs about an imaginary evening in which a butch submissive is dominated by another woman. Or ask her if she has any erotica that she likes.

If she is a novice, perhaps she can't answer your questions because she really doesn't know; she just has certain vague longings. In that case, try just a few little things and see how she responds. Do what you normally do during sex, but you take over the role of deciding what happens when. Tell her what to wear. Ask her to kneel. Direct her to strip for you. Tell her what articles of your clothing she may remove, and where she is allowed to touch or kiss you.

Dressing the part can really help get into the mood. What makes you feel sexually powerful? Put an outfit together that's a little different than what you would normally wear to turn her on. You might want to go shopping with her for high-heeled boots, a corset, a riding crop, or a dildo harness. You're role-playing here, with an emphasis on playing, so put on your costume and see how it makes you feel. Who is this new person? What does she like? If she was a trainer who had a brand new butch on her hands, what would she want that person to know how to do? You can be that trainer.

The riding crop is a great prop even if she doesn't want to get hit because you can use it to point to things or just run the tip of it over her skin. Slapping the bed makes a nice, dramatic noise that can emphasize a command to hurry up. Order her to get down on her knees and organize your shoes, or tell her to do the dishes. Having you stride back and forth, swishing your riding crop, might make these activities pretty exciting for a brand new submissive. Performing any act of personal service like putting lotion on your feet or brushing your hair could be arousing for your partner.

If you find yourself getting excited, you'll also start getting ideas of your own. But if this isn't sexually arousing for you, perhaps this isn't a viable path for you to take. Not everyone enjoys being dominant. But I see no reason why you shouldn't experiment and see what happens. You may surprise yourself!

One of the rewards of topping is the intimate knowledge you gain of your bottom. You need the ego rush of their response to keep going. Dominating someone takes a lot of energy. At some point, you need to pin this stubborn butch down and tell her that if she wants to belong to you, she needs to confess her sins and desires. As much as she complains and twists and squirms and pleads, deep down she wants you to know all of her secrets. Good luck getting them out of her.

Leave a comment

Comments will be approved before showing up.