Fuck You Very Kindly

Sunday, January 16, 2011

After I've prattled away in front of a group of Erotic Talk workshop goers, throwing around terms like "cock" and "cunt" with abandon, I always see at least a few eyebrows raised when I say that I used to be incredibly shy about sex talk, especially the saucy kind you might do with a lover.

Doesn't make it any less true.

I'd wanted to talk dirty to lovers long before I got there. After all, I'd been writing dirty poetry for quite some time, and was perfectly comfortable talking to strangers about their sex lives. But when it came to getting more than moans and gasps out of my own mouth, I'd think of the words, hit a wall of embarrassment, and lose them.

I remember the exact moment that changed for me. It was with a new lover here in Ottawa, in my second apartment here. It was a stuffy 4th floor room in mid-August and we were always covered in sweat. I can't remember the words he said at all, or even what we were doing; just he said something dirty, really dirty, and it was like the shutters on a closed window had opened, and the view was an ocean. He didn't tell me what to say or how to say it, but with just a few syllables he gave me the space I'd been afraid to carve out for myself.

It was a gift I still appreciate, and one of the kindest things he did for me.

That's the core, I think, of talking dirty. Not like it can't be done with bad intentions; humans are capable of a stunning amount of cruelty.

But for me, in my life, and what I try to transmit through my writing and workshops: telling someone what you want and when you want it is one of the kindest sexual things you can do.

It means that they're not wondering if they're doing a good job, so it's a kindness to their ego. It means, more importantly, that they also have the right to ask for what they want when they want it. It grants them access to some of your most vulnerable parts, and allows them to offer you the same. That's no small thing.

When dirty talk happens with kindness behind it - no matter what the words may be, because sometimes love manifests itself in orders or consensual humiliation - it brings people closer to loving themselves.

And we seem to have a hard time doing that, most of us. Maybe we just need the space.

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