Getting Bored

Friday, July 23, 2010

Question

I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost two years. So far I've only been moderately satisfied with our sex life. I have not once been able to experience an orgasm during sex with him. He usually misinterprets the signs and stops too early. I have mentioned this to him before, but he just smiles and claims that the expression on my face said otherwise. I feel like the sex is getting very repetitive. It's always in the same position and pretty much the same order. It has become rather mechanical. He rarely goes down on me whereas he seems to always want/demand oral from me. We both tend to avoid the topic (mistake number one, I know!) and as a result we're having less and less sex. I've always fantasized about a little role-play, but he's never been eager to engage. So here's my question to you: What's the best way to spice our relationship up a little? How is one supposed to go about addressing the orgasm issue? Do you have any suggestions in terms of toys we could introduce?

Answer

I am trying to understand why you would say you were even "moderately" satisfied with a lover who has never given you an orgasm. This guy is a selfish, nonconsensual sadist. You are the one who knows whether you climaxed or not. His "interpretation" of your facial expression is no substitute. He is deliberately denying you gratification, either because he is lazy or because he believes you should come when he does—or because he just doesn't think your gratification is very important. And while he blithely ignores your needs, he has the nerve to smile at you! I'd want to slap him. Hard.

Look at what is happening here. Ignore what he says and focus on his behavior. A guy who demands or expects oral sex and doesn't reciprocate is a selfish bastard. That kind of crap doesn't even fly in heterosexual porn any more! Somebody who is unable to get between your legs and drive you crazy with his tongue is of course not interested in role play. That would be even more work. Why should he bother to enact your fantasies if he can get you to suck his cock while he shuts his eyes and enjoys his own dirty thoughts?

A couple can only spice up their sex life if both parties are interested in becoming more intimate and generating more heat. By not confronting him, you have allowed him to get away with a lot of bad behavior. Those patterns may be too deeply engrained to change now. And by the way, I am not saying that the current situation is your fault. You shouldn't have had to say, "I need more stimulation so I can come" more than once. By not taking you seriously and fixing the problem at once, he sent you a very clear message that he doesn't care. He is mind-fucking you so he can continue to dominate the sex and ignore your needs.

He needs a really big reality check. Take some time to get in touch with your righteous anger. Don't abandon yourself. Vow that you'll stand up for yourself. Then drop the bomb. Tell him that sex has been one-sided and frustrating for you. Give him a deadline. If things don't improve within the next thirty days, you are leaving—or taking another lover. From now on, you are going first. Don't give him oral sex or intercourse until after he has made you come. You can joke around and be a flirt, but be firm about it. Ask him how many times he'd be willing to have sex with you if he didn't get to have an orgasm. He owes you, girl.

During intercourse, don't wait for him to give you clitoral stimulation. Touch yourself. Show him how your clit likes to be loved on. If you bring any new toys to the bedroom, make it a small vibrator that you can insert between your bodies so you can have that clitoral boost. If he comes before you do, continue to masturbate until you have a second or third orgasm. If he doesn't find that sexy and get inspired to help, I don't think he is really attracted to you.

If your new, upfront, erotically assertive self makes him angry, I think you ought to be concerned that this relationship is emotionally abusive. No woman could be treated this way without experiencing depression and damage to her self-esteem. I am quite indignant on your behalf and hope that you can become a stronger advocate for yourself. You deserve quite a bit more than this jerk has given you. Sadly, by being so limited and controlling, he has ruined sex for himself as well, hasn't he? What an idiot! This is like a road map of what is wrong with the patriarchy. Grrrrrrr.

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