Dear Patrick: A girl in school wants to have sex with me. She says she should be my girlfriend because she knows how to take care of my urges. She wrote me a note and said that she has older sisters so she knows what she is supposed to do for the man in her life. In the note she said she has wanted me for a long time but I haven’t made a move so she is speaking up and hoping I won’t think she is too aggressive. I wasn’t sure how I felt. While I was thinking this over, she saw me coming out of the boys’ restroom at school, and she pulled her top up. Nobody else saw me get flashed. I was turned on by the sight of her breasts. I had an erection that was painful, man.
Then she ran over and kissed me. She was in a big hurry so her teeth bit into me, and her tongue kind of choked me. Now I am thinking that this girl is definitely too aggressive. I held her at arm’s length and told her, “I like to be the one who makes the first move.” I never knew that until she got up in my face. She wanted her note back and I told her no. I would keep it private, but it was my property. Now she is spreading shady rumors about me and still trying to get me to look at her body and jump on her. I wish she had never noticed me. Why is she attacking me if she is in love with me like she claimed?
This girl may not have much real experience with dating or sex. I think the statement that gives it away is when she told you that she knows how to handle a man because she has older sisters who clued her in to how to behave. Another giveaway was the awkwardness of the kiss. She didn’t have enough practice making out to know how much force to use when she tried to get all sexy with you. Now, she is also revealing her lack of experience by overreacting to your rejection and acting as if it’s the end of the world, and you have to be destroyed.
If you can manage it, try to understand that her feelings are very hurt. She feels humiliated by you. Even though she is harassing and threatening you, on the inside, she feels as if she has to behave that way because YOU have all of the power. The only way this girl was told she could attract a young man is by agreeing to have sex with him. Right away, without getting to know each other at all! That doesn’t say much for her self-esteem. It also tells you that she believes this is how men and women treat each other. The only thing he will be interested in is sex. That’s a pretty sad version of male/female relationships. A real, lasting, committed romance has to include a lot more than just good sex. You have to like each other, for one thing, and if you insult somebody and spread vicious rumors about them, they won’t like you. Not ever.
If you want to stop the gossip, one way to do it would be to give her back her letter. She is probably afraid you are going to use it to embarrass her even more. She already feels like you are probably laughing at her and telling your friends stories about how she tried to kiss you and made a fool of herself. Only time is going to make this mess go away. She will eventually find some other guy she has a crush on, and start to obsess about him. It is really sad that she believes men are so driven by sex that all she has to do is show off her body, and sex will immediately follow. That’s true for some guys, but most of them will not think very much of her. In their minds, a young woman who exposes herself is in a low category. So having sex with her doesn’t involve any love or commitment. It’s okay to use her and then have nothing more to do with her. I am afraid her life is going to have a lot of anger and resentment in it if she doesn’t get a hint about slowing down and protecting her heart and her body from being exploited.
Unless you feel that she is physically dangerous, I think you should just ignore the gossip. Let your friends handle responding to it or defending you. Any attention that you give her will make this worse. If you get angry with her, she will think that means you are secretly interested. She is probably used to angry relationships between men and women, where a fight ends with having sex, which cements the connection between them. So when you feel provoked, do whatever you have to do to cool off. Count to ten, walk away, think about something else, listen to your favorite music, ask somebody else to walk with you—whatever you need.
I’m sure she can be very, very provocative and mean. When you want to give it back in the form of arguments, yelling, insults—try not to do any of that. She wants that energy. It will feed her campaign. The less you react, the more you are involved in other things and just leaving her alone, the more quickly she will focus on somebody else. And that’s what you want, right?
Do not date another girl right now unless you meet somebody who genuinely interests you. The problem with asking somebody else out is that this girl will just put her on her enemy list and go after her as well. If you do like a girl enough to ask her out, she should probably know about the gossip campaign beforehand so she can prepare to look out for herself. She should also know about the false things that are being said so they do not cause trouble between the two of you.
I’m sorry you ran into all of this craziness. Most women are not quite this nuts. I hope you survive the insanity and have a better experience the next time a girl thinks you are attractive. Dating and relationships are complicated enough without this girl’s baggage. She deserves a page in the record books.