God and the Straight

Friday, March 19, 2010

Question

I am 42, and my wife is 37. We have been married 12 years. We never had a great sex life. I have always suffered from premature ejaculation because of our once-or-twice-a-month sexual activity. Here is what our problem is:

  1. My wife takes a very long time to reach orgasm, usually about an hour with oral stimulation, although she prefers vaginal intercourse over oral. If I try vaginal intercourse, the only way she can have an orgasm is by laying down flat on her back with me on top, but then she has to squeeze her legs to achieve orgasm in this position. It becomes hard for me to penetrate her, while she expects a good half-hour of penetration in this position. If I try any other positions, she doesn't feel much. I'm an average 6 inches. Maybe size is an issue. Sometimes I remark to her that she definitely needs a bigger size, and she laughs. She hates toys, never even wants to try them.
  2. She is always wet down there, so she has to use panty ​liners. With very little stimulation she gets very wet and starts dripping.
  3. She feels that if she gets penetration for 40 to 60 minutes, she will feel more satisfied. I do not have this kind of stamina. She is religious and conservative, with no history of sexual experience before marriage. Can you advise?
  4. Festering

    Answer

    It sounds like you and your wife got married with little to no prior discussion about how your sex life would look. This isn't unusual for highly religious couples. The problem is that most religions are extremely confounded by the topic of sex, so relying on yours as a guide shuts down any possibility for your sex life to change and grow naturally.

    When consensual pleasure is viewed as sinful (oral sex, for example), you know you're going to have trouble integrating it in a straightforward, natural way.

    Also, many people are wary of altering their "method" of orgasm. They've carved that pathway, and they'll be damned if they'll let anything interrupt them on their way to that goal. Here's the thing: generally, you have sex with someone, not at them. You need to engage her in the process of change, compromise and exploration. Requiring things to be just so is one way of cultivating a very resentful and alienating atmosphere.

    However they're behaving and whatever they look like, please don't be suspicious of or mean to each other's genitals. They're the good guys. They didn't ask to be assigned to people who imbue them with wicked intentions. I often feel my hands are tied when advising people whose sexual identities are influenced by arcane, obfuscating and sexist religious doctrine, Festering. As an atheist myself, I find it exasperating and believe, to steal from Trudeau, that religion has no place in the bedrooms of the nation. I wish you the best of luck navigating your sex life in such a contradictory framework.

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