Hardhat Sub

Friday, January 13, 2006

Question

Being a shy construction guy; I'm looking for advice on where I might meet an older, mature "dominatrix" who could instruct me with mild to medium discipline.

Answer

Part of being a member of a sexual minority like the BDSM community is coping with difficulties in how to find compatible partners. But whenever I feel kind of hard-done-by in this regard, I look at all of the letters I get from people who just want hot vanilla sex, and I don't feel so bad.

Many men who are bottoms decide to pay professional dominatrixes for sessions of bondage, verbal domination, whipping or spanking. Every domme has her areas of specialization. Some have glamorous wardrobes for cross-dressers, cribs and baby paraphernalia for adult infants, devices for cock-and-ball restraint, cages, suspension equipment, or some other assemblage of severe delights. If they are wise, they advertise that no sex is involved in their encounters with clients. This may provide some protection against arrest and charges of prostitution. But this restriction may be stretched to include self-release by the client (i.e., masturbation), dildo training, or body worship of the dominant woman.

You can find ads for dominatrixes in your area in your local adult newspaper or on the Internet. There's also a magazine called DDI, an international directory for dominatrixes. If you decide to go this route, make a phone call or send e-mail and tell her what your experience and interests are. Find out what she charges per hour (expect a minimum of $100) and what she looks like. If you decide to make an appointment, show up on time; phone ahead if you can't make it. It's a good idea to ask her if you can meet and talk for a few minutes, then see the dungeon, before deciding whether to proceed with the session. Be clean and polite. Have cash. Leave valuables and credit cards at home. Before taking off your clothes or getting handcuffed, check out the situation. If you don't like the setup (if it seems dirty or unsafe), or if she is intoxicated or there's just no chemistry, feel free to leave.

Whenever you get together with a stranger—especially one who might render you physically helpless—you should let a friend know where you are going to be and arrange a telephone check-in at a specific time. Most pro-dommes are highly skilled, intelligent, experienced women who have a personal interest in BDSM. But there are a few rip-off artists and sketchy characters out there, so until you know a domme well, don't expose yourself to unnecessary danger.

If paying for S/M is objectionable, you need to find a way to meet a woman who is dominant and searching for a man she finds personally attractive and interesting. Almost every large ISP has leather or dom/sub chat rooms and lists. You can also place a personal ad or answer some; or you can locate and attend a local BDSM support group or attend a fetish club. Since I don't know what area you are writing from, I can't help you with specific names or addresses, but I can tell you that most large cities have such organizations.

From what I've observed, most submissive straight men fuck up in the areas of common sense and etiquette. Show up looking your best. You don't have to be in an expensive leather outfit, but you should look well-groomed and neat. Don't proposition every single woman you see to top you. I've gone to some S/M groups with a woman on a leash, with her hands tied behind her back, and still had stray guys try to address her as "mistress" and kiss her feet. This is rude as well as dumb. Even if you see a woman who is surrounded by male slaves, don't address her as "mistress" unless she introduces herself by that honorific or gives you permission to kneel and speak to her, sub to domme. Be patient and helpful without being intrusive. Have some cards with your first name, phone number and e-mail address on them. That way, if you meet a woman who is interested in you, you can quickly and easily give her a way to get in touch.

For a more complete guide to the S/M community's rules for proper conduct, read Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt's The Bottoming Book: How to Get Terrible Things Done to You by Wonderful People and The Topping Book: How to Get Good at Being Bad. These books are out in revised editions as The New Bottoming Book and The New Topping Book, and the authors are now listed as Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy. But if you run across the older editions, they are worth having, if only for the illustrations by Fish. These books include solid information about S/M safety and technique, but they are also wonderful tools for learning the special set of social skills that this kinky community expects.

One thing in your favor is that you are not limiting your search to twenty-something, blonde wisps of girls who barely know which end of the riding crop to pick up. You're looking for a mature woman who knows what she likes. There are a lot more dominant women who resemble that profile than there are fashion model look-alikes. I hope you find the right mistress and receive the training you are looking for. You sound like a man who has a lot to offer.

Love and love taps,
YOUR ADVISOR
Patrick Califia