Haven't Gotten Laid Yet

Monday, December 31, 2012


Dear Patrick: I recently started to get erections and masturbate. A friend told me about sex, and I have seen an adult movie where the people in it did all kinds of stuff. I hope you won't think I am weak, but I have to admit that intercourse looks kind of scary to me. I don't really like the way that the women in the movie looked. I mean, I liked their bodies, but their vaginas were actually kind of scary to look at. I have fantasies about having sex with cute girls at school, but I am afraid to put my penis into a vagina. Maybe I am afraid of what is inside of her. Will it be okay? Can you tell me what “going all the way” is like? I have thought about experimenting with other things to lose my fear of sex. A weirdo at school claims he masturbated with a vacuum cleaner. Can you really do this? Are there other household devices I could use?


DO NOT TRY TO MASTUBATE WITH A VACUUM CLEANER!! Many models create suction with a small fan located near the opening of the hose. There are documented medical cases of unfortunate men who chopped off part of the head of the penis by using a vacuum cleaner as a sex toy. This damage usually cannot be repaired.

            I wanted to get that in big bold letters in the first sentence because your safety is at stake. Sex can be a really good thing if you take the time to make sure you are doing it safely. That includes emotional as well as physical safety. It sounds like you are old enough to be curious about sex, but may be not old enough to consider having intercourse. That's a big step. Guys often pressure themselves to rush into it, especially if their friends are making big claims of sexual prowess. Always take that bragging with healthy skepticism. It may be all hot air and lies. Every young guy (and a lot of us who are old enough to know better) want to claim we are getting better, wilder sex than any other man in the room. Sessions of mad boasting are not a good yard stick for what to expect of yourself.

            Nobody should have intercourse until they are well-informed about health issues and know how to prevent both pregnancy and sexually-transmitted infections. Contrary to high school mythology, you CAN get a girl pregnant the first time you have sex, even if she is a virgin. You can also catch herpes, hepatitis, gonorrhea, syphilis, and a host of other major diseases the first time you take it all the way.

            There are a lot of fun, less risky things to do that eventually build up to intercourse. Don't be in a big hurry, or you will miss a lot of important information and exploration. Making out can be frustrating, but it's also a rich source of new images, smells and tastes, sounds and emotions. It builds skills that will help make intercourse a great experience instead of a humiliating failure. Many adults would give up a kidney to be able to recapture the arousal they felt during early experimentation. For many women, these prolonged, teasing, sensual experiences are even more fun than intercourse. They crave the whole-body stimulation that allows them to reach peak arousal. Unfortunately, men tend to be ready for sex a little ahead of their female partners. Learning how to compensate for this difference in timing is one of the things that separates a good lover from a mediocre one.

            Porn may not be the best source of information about sexuality. Like the virile bragging of your peers, it's important to be aware of its pitfalls. The people who star in adult movies usually have bodies that conform to certain stereotypes of what is attractive. For example, the men have bigger equipment than most guys. The women almost all have breast implants and are way too skinny. The sex that takes place in an X-rated movie is not very realistic either. Few regular girls can deep-throat a hard cock, and it doesn't work to go down on a girl with your tongue stuck so far out of your mouth, your tonsils are in danger of falling out. Positions are chosen based on good camera angles, not on the participants' real pleasure. Sadly, a lot of porn features aggressive and angry behavior toward women. Don't model your behavior on that of a male porn star. Very few women would appreciate being humiliated verbally and ordered around, or being hurt or embarrassed.

            It is illegal in most countries for an adult to show a minor sexually explicit material, whether that's a magazine, individual photographs, a slide show, downloaded stuff on a computer, drawings, or videos. It may also be illegal for you to possess or view this material. Be aware of the laws in your area so you don't win up in serious trouble if you get caught. Don't trust an adult who makes porn accessible to a minor. Their motives are not friendly. They could use this material to attempt to arouse you so that you will be more vulnerable to sexual abuse. You may not be ready for the raw quality of most porn. If it scared you to look at it, save it for a bit later in life.

            Women's genitals look odd to you because you are used to looking at your own body which is very different. That doesn't mean you are weak or less than masculine. It just means you are trying to assimilate brand new and somewhat shocking information. A woman's vagina is only one part of her genitals, by the way. That term refers to the opening, the place where a penis can be inserted. But women have another sex organ called the clitoris that is very important for pleasure. If you draw a line an inch or so up from the vagina, going toward her belly button, you'll see a little pink diamond-shaped organ, right where the inner lips come together. It's usually covered with a thin protective hood of tissue. The clitoris is kind of like the penis. All of its nerve endings are reserved for feeling sexual pleasure. She needs pressure or light stroking on that area to be able to have a complete orgasm. Some women get enough friction from pelvic pressure during intercourse to be able to come, but many need to have a partner touch the clitoris (or be able to touch it themselves) to remain aroused and reach climax.

            Porn movies usually don't show women receiving enough clitoral stimulation. They also leave out a very important part of sex, and that's the emotional connection. Some of the anxiety that you are feeling could be addressed more easily if you trusted and liked the person you were with. The physical part of sexual desire may feel so strong that you can think it doesn't matter who you are with. But it will affect you, if only by making you feel lonely or ashamed when the sex is over. You don't have to be ready to have sex tomorrow. Relax and let yourself gain the experience and maturity you need to be a good partner. For now, learning how to talk to girls and enjoy social activity with them might be more important than finding a sex partner. You need to know how to judge whether you are really comfortable with any particular girl. How can you tell who you can trust, who will tell you the truth, and who will be loyal? The more you like and admire your sex partners, the better the experience.

            We all felt a certain amount of shock the first time we saw a woman's nude body. But that shock fades and gets replaced with curiosity and admiration. You don't have to do anything special for this to happen. But it is a good reason to do your best to make sure your sexual experiences are good ones. The mystery of a woman's body is a lovely and exhilarating thing when you are able to get close to her and satisfy her. In order to do that, you need her to talk to you and tell you honestly what she does and doesn't like. If you really want her, you will also come to appreciate her entire body.

            The sensation of intercourse is difficult to describe. Some guys say it's like a rush of pleasure or a very intense tingling. Some men feel sexual pleasure only in their genitals; others feel it in their whole body. If you've had a lot of foreplay and you're taking your time, sex will not feel the same as an experience that has to be rushed. Most of us learn to come quickly because when we masturbate, we feel that we need to hurry it up. It would be better if we could take our time, because then we learn how to keep erect for longer periods of time. Learning how to let an erection come and go allows you to be more confident with a partner, and it helps you to stay aroused long enough to satisfy both of you.

            There are sex toys that vibrate and artificial vaginas that can be put over an erection to mimic the sensation of intercourse. But they are pretty expensive and usually illegal for minors to purchase or own. You might not have enough privacy to be able to keep a sex toy hidden from your parents. Finding such a device would probably upset them a lot and cause them to place restrictions on your movements, so it isn't worth the risk.

            Men who haven't had intercourse yet come up with some ingenious substitutes. Raw liver, a hole cut in a ripe cantaloupe, and a host of other things have been used to mimic vaginal penetration. I won't tell you not to do this because I don't see anything wrong with it. I will caution you to make sure you have privacy. Getting caught stimulating yourself can be a really awful experience. The majority of human beings masturbate, but our society still has a lot of arbitrary taboos about it. Just don't use anything that might hurt you or cause damage. Stay away from vibrating heavy machinery, for example.

            Remember, too, that you have millions of years of evolution on your side. If penises and vaginas didn't fit together and have a lot of positive feelings for one another, our species would have died out long ago. Being inside a woman creates intense physical pleasure and peak emotions. It's awesome, probably the most awesome thing that exists.

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