Hockey Fan

Friday, September 28, 2007

Question

I love hockey, and I love to watch my boyriend play hockey. There's something about watching him play that turns me on to no end. After watching him play, I can't wait to get my hands on him. Yet after he plays, he can't seem to perform, i.e., he can't get "it" up or hard. Any idea why this would be?

Answer

When a man is having trouble getting erections on occasions when he and his partner would like to have sex, it helps to take a look at his ability to perform overall. Is your boyriend able to have erections when the two of you want to have sex, if it's not after he's played hockey? Is he still getting erections during the night or waking up with a hard-on? If so, then there's probably not a physical health problem or a psychological sex problem; we can probably find a solution just by looking at what happens to his body during intense athletic activity.

Hockey is an unusually demanding sport. I would guess that a bout on the ice simply depletes his body and brain of the chemicals that we need to go through the sexual response cycle. He doesn't have a drop more of adrenaline, serotonin, or endorphins in him. Not to mention the fact that he is exhausted. Take him home, feed him a good dinner, give him a rubdown with some liniment, and let him get a decent night of sleep. Have at him the next day, would be my advice. Get a videotape of him on the ice so you can get yourself cranked up before you jump on him in bed. I am guessing there won't be a problem then.

If this doesn't ring true, let's look at some potential emotional dynamics. Just please, please remember that I do not know you or your boyfriend, and I can only make hypothesis or guesses. The two of you will have to work out whether there's any truth to what I am saying. If it's not helpful, please throw out my ideas and see what you can come up with in an honest conversation on your own.

Having given that disclaimer, here are my thoughts. On an emotional level, hockey is about man-to-man competition. It can be pretty hostile and aggressive. You don't have to hold back when you are competing physically with another man. The assumption is that he is of equal strength and can take whatever you can dish out. You are free to go to the limit. But when it comes to dealing with women, most guys have been taught that they need to dial it down. Way down. If you allow yourself to be too impulsive or aggressive with a woman, you might hurt her, and that makes you a Bad Person. Your boyfriend may have trouble switching over to being tender and reining himself in so he can behave in a way that he feels is appropriate when he makes love to you.

It could be, however, that this is precisely what you love about him as an athlete. You love to see the uninhibited male energy that he displays. Perhaps you would like him to be more forceful with you. Maybe he is treating you with more gentleness or consideration than you really need. If you have fantasies about this kind of passionate, winner takes all sex, you don't need to wait until a hockey match to have him chase you down and take you, despite protests or squealing.

If you are going to play resistance games with each other (where one party gets to protest and the other party continues to pursue his or her "selfish" pleasure), come up with a code word that means "ease up" or "stop." When a person is giggling and saying, "No, no, please don't," it can be pretty hard for the other person to tell when they may be hurting them in a bad way, going too fast, or doing something they really don't like. "I need a break" or "Time out" are phrases that make your intentions clear, but you aren't likely to utter them in the heat of arousal.

Lovers who explore more physically aggressive kinds of sex need to have a lot of mutual trust and good communication. Sometimes the difference between a good time and a bad time can be relatively minor, i.e., you like having your hair pulled, but not past a certain point. Being held bitten is okay—but maybe not if you'll have visible bruises. He can hold you down, but not if it's going to hurt your wrists the next day. When experimenting, if both parties are acting in good faith, it helps to avoid blaming one another for any misunderstandings. Nobody is trying to be evil; a mistake is just something you learn from and avoid repeating.

This sounds like a good jumping-off point for a whole new level of intimacy and sexual curiosity about one another's minds and bodies. I wonder what it is that YOU do that drives him nuts. Do you know? If not, this might be a good time to ask.