Dear Patrick: I am getting married in a month. My fiancée has told me she is a virgin. I have had sex with one other woman, but she was not a virgin. All I know about this is that sex is supposed to be very painful for women the first time around. I don’t want to hurt her at all! Is there anything I can do to make that first time special for her? I love her so much, I don’t want her to associate me with anything painful. I don’t understand why nature would make such a big mistake in the design of the human body. Help!
Dear Honeymoon Anxiety: This is an anxiety that a lot of considerate bridegrooms experience. If you love her, you want her first sexual experience to be a wonderful memory, not a painful ordeal that makes her wonder why she got married. Unfortunately, no one has been able to come up with a good reason why nature decreed that some women would be born with a membrane (hymen) partially blocking the vaginal entrance.
Nowadays, many women come to the marriage bed without these annoying accessories. The human can vary a great deal in how thick it is. Some women eliminate them naturally in the course of using a tampon or masturbating. It’s possible to feel nothing but a slight twinge when the hymen gives way. There may be a tiny bit of blood, but this is often not noticeable.
The best solution is to make her wait for penetration. Make out first. Kiss her, nibble on her neck, massage her body, play with her clit. Let her explore your body as well. Don’t even try to have intercourse until she is really wet and her body is begging for relief.
If your wife still has her hymen, you might be able to tell it’s there when you touch her vulva, lick her clitoris, or gently enter her with one or two lubricated fingers. The hymen isn’t very flexible, so it will resist stretching. Tell her that you will be as gentle as you can, and position your erect penis at the vaginal opening. Make sure there is a tube or bottle of water-based lube to apply. Let her put your cock inside herself. Chances are good you will just sink in, and she will only feel a bit of discomfort. That feeling can rapidly disappear into the ocean of tenderness and connection that takes place when two people who are in love can finally let their bodies join together.
It is rare for a virgin to experience significant pain during sex. If this happens to your wife, the two of you can bring each other to orgasm with your hands or lips, and wait until you can get her to a doctor before attempting intercourse again. A belligerent hymen can be encouraged to spring open with a little medical attention. The worst thing you can do is allow your worry about this to ruin your honeymoon. Intercourse is just one of many wonderful things you can experience with your wife. There are a lot of ways to be a virgin, and a lot of first times ahead for you.